


Quiet Unrest

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Series: Married Barisi [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Case Fic, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Married Barisi, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-03-09 10:01:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 46,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13479102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: Rafael and Sonny return from their honeymoon only to immediately become immersed in a case of a missing teenage girl that takes its toll both on their young marriage and the entire squad.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> With all the AUs and everything I’ve been writing I just wanted to write a good ol’ case fic with a side of Barisi wedded bliss. 
> 
> I'm not sure how often this will be updated as it's my self-indulgent side project, but I'm really enjoying writing it, so hopefully I'll get to it often. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It was with the practiced laziness of ten days in paradise that Sonny woke, a slow affair that first had his brain registering the warmth of the sun on his skin and then the heavy weight of an arm across his middle before he opened his eyes. 

He immediately wanted to squish them back shut, willing the night to extend itself so they didn’t have to face the reality of the day. It would be their last here and wouldn’t even be a full one at that. That afternoon they’d be leaving their Antiguan villa with its private pool and the stretch of beach that was found just beyond it. Afternoons lounging in a hammock stretched between two palm trees would be replaced with stomping through icy slush on New York City streets. An unfair trade to be sure.

But, he reminded himself with a smile, he would be taking the most important part home with him. This thought in mind, he ran a hand down the arm that rested across him, stopping only when he reached the large hand of its owner, tracing the gold band that circled the ring finger. He felt the same jolt he had for the last ten days, every time he was reminded of the ring’s presence and the matching one resting on his own finger.

“It’s still there,” Rafael mumbled into his neck and Sonny felt his beard—long enough now after over a week of growth that it was soft instead of coarse and scratchy as it had been in the beginning—tickle his skin. Sonny thought that perhaps even more than the ocean and the sunshine, he would miss the beard when they returned to New York. “You don’t have to keep checking.”

Sonny’s smile grew bigger, both at the voice itself and the words. “It’s not that I think it will be gone—which, to be honest, this still feels like a dream I’m going to wake up from any minute—it’s just that I like to know it’s there.”

He felt Rafael’s smile against his skin, but when the man spoke it was a practical, “What time is it?”

“Does it matter?” Sonny asked, rolling so that he was facing him, running a hand lightly up and down his side.

“Unfortunately, today it does.” Rafael reached behind him, plucking his phone from the nightstand and checking the time. “I should shower. We still have to pack up and everything.”

“No,” Sonny practically whined, wrapping long, thin fingers around a tanned wrist. “Not yet.”

The past week and a half had been the best of Sonny’s life. Sure, the night Rafael first kissed him, when he’d proposed, their wedding, all ranked high, but even during those times he’d had to share him—with work, with their friends and families, and sometimes, it seemed, even with New York. But here Rafael had been all his, no distractions or obligations. He hated the idea of no longer having him all to himself.

“How about you join me?” Rafael offered in compromise, pulling his wrist free and slipping from the bed. He was still naked from the night before and Sonny took a moment to admire the view, one that put the crystal blue ocean waters just outside their door to shame, before hastily following suit.

They took their time, sharing lazy kisses with teases of teeth and tongue while they washed their hair and soaped up their bodies. Once those menial tasks were complete, Sonny gripped Rafael’s hips and pulled him close.

“You’re my  _ husband _ ,” he said in surprised delight, his blue eyes sparkling, before placing another slow kiss on Rafael’s lips.

Rafael had lost count of how many times Sonny had said that same sentence in that same wonderous tone, like he couldn’t believe that it was true. Rafael himself marveled at the fact, still disbelieving that he could deserve anyone as pure and good as Sonny, but unlike his partner, he didn’t feel the need to vocalize it every three seconds. “So you’ve mentioned,” he responded dryly.

“Aw, tired of me already?” Sonny asked, a small pout on his lips as he slid his right hand from Rafael’s hip to his cock, already mostly hard from the mere presence of Sonny in the shower with him and the kisses they’d shared.

“Not,” Rafael’s breath hitched in his throat and he reached out to grip Sonny’s shoulders. “Not yet.”

“Good,” Sonny’s breath was on his ear before he took the lobe between his teeth, gliding his hand slowly over Rafael’s cock. He kissed from his ear, along his jaw, and licked into his mouth before pulling back. Sonny winked and started to lower himself to the shower floor, but Rafael’s grip on his shoulders held steady, preventing his descent.

“No,” Rafael shook his head even though the want was evident in his eyes.

“Aw, c’mon, Raf. Let me blow you,” Sonny begged like Rafael would be doing him a great favor by letting him wrap his perfect pink lips around his prick.

“No.” Rafael was adamant. “You almost drowned the last time we did that and I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know that when the pretty bride dies on the honeymoon the husband is the first one they look at.”

Sonny smirked at him. “So, I’m the pretty bride, huh?”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“Well, this pretty bride wants to suck his husband’s dick.” He wrapped his hand around Rafael again and took pleasure at the moan he got in response.  

“Well, if you’re that desperate for it.” Rafael reached behind him and turned off the water. “Who am I to deny you?”

* * *

 

It could be a stressful thing, travel, and Rafael had seen his fair share of couples bickering their way through airports, but everything had gone smoothly with he and Sonny on this trip. It surprised him, if he was being honest. They’d traveled together before, but usually only upstate for a weekend, or a quick trip out to the Hamptons since neither of their jobs really afforded them much time off. 

He’d been worried that ten days with no one but each other might cause friction, but his anxiety had been for not. There hadn’t been an argument in sight. Sure, they’d had their normal back and forth, but that was just how they showed their affection.

Rafael looked up with a smile from his seat at the gate when the man himself approached, plastic bag in hand. “I hit the motherload.” Sonny dropped into the seat next to him and Rafael leaned over to peak into the bag. He was not at all surprised to find that it was full of chips and candy.

“You’re ridiculous,” he said with a shake of his head, but kissed Sonny’s cheek all the same.

“Gotta have my movie snacks,” Sonny said like it was obvious.

“I know, I know.” Rafael didn’t bother with his usual complaint that Sonny ate like a college freshman, and that laps in the pool at the Y and time spent chasing down suspects might keep him fit, but they wouldn’t stop his arteries from clogging. Instead he stayed silent, sipping from his paper coffee cup and fiddling with his phone.

Sonny bumped their shoulders together. “I thought we agreed no email until we landed in New York.” Rafael had done an impressive job of untethering himself from his phone for their trip, using it only as a camera and a clock, but Sonny supposed he was growing antsy at the thought of all he’d have to catch up on when he returned.

“It’s personal, not professional,” Rafael promised. “My cousin Santino apologizes for missing the wedding, but assures me we have a card in the mail. Probably full of coupons for whatever ridiculous business he’s running this time around, if past birthdays are any indicator.” 

“Ooh, think it will be for anything good? I like a good deal.” Sonny said brightly, tearing open a bag of Skittles.

“Well, last time it was for Cheap Alligator Tours—the actual name of the tour company by the way—so unless you’re planning a trip to Miami anytime soon…”

Sonny thought on it a moment. “I’m not sure I’d trust a business with Cheap in the name to take me on an alligator tour.”    

“You and everyone else. Probably why it went out of business.” Rafael sat his phone on the thigh of his jeans, rubbing a hand over his beard. “Would you stop?” he directed at Sonny when he caught the longing look he was sending his way. Well not his way, the  _ beard’s _ way. “I’m not keeping it.”

“But it looks so good.” Sonny had shaved his own two days worth of stubble that morning. If he could grow a beard like Rafael he’d never shave, but his just grew in patchy and weird.

Rafael frowned, thinking of the heavy amount of gray that grew in this time, overtaking the brown by spades. “It makes me look old.”

“Distinguished,” Sonny countered without hesitation.

Rafael just sighed and held out his hand. “Hush and give me a Skittle.”

Sonny grinned and poured some of the colorful candies into his palm.

It wasn’t long before they were called to board the plane, Rafael settling into the window seat with Sonny next to him. Once in the air, Rafael chose to forgo the window, instead leaning his head on Sonny’s shoulder, sleepily watching whatever ridiculous action movie Sonny had playing on his iPad, but with the luxury of not actually having to hear it.

Their fingers were threaded together, resting on Sonny’s thigh, and Rafael had the thought that he’d never felt so content in his life. 

But contentment, like all things, was fleeting and all too soon they were touching down at JFK. The slow way of the Caribbean was far behind them and they hurried to collet their luggage and grab a cab, the frigid New York temperatures seeming all the more bitter after having spent days in sand and sun.

“The beach is nice, but there’s nothing quite like this,” Sonny’s tone was reverent as he eyed the skyline from the back of the speeding cab. It shined like a beacon, welcoming them home.

Some days, after seeing the worst that the city had to offer, Sonny hated New York. He would long for a small town life where the biggest crime was some poorly spelled graffiti that the middle school kids found hilarious. But then he’d stop and grab a dollar slice of pizza at 2am or see a busker in the subway station with a beautiful voice and a dream, and he’d decide that there was nowhere else in the world for him.

Rafael ducked his head so that he could see out Sonny’s window, taking in the sight for himself. “No, there isn’t,” he agreed.

Before they knew it they were pulling up in front of Rafael’s building. Their building, Sonny corrected himself. He’d lived there for months now, but still wasn’t used to calling it his. Not that Rafael hadn’t made him feel welcome. He’d cleaned out a side of the walk-in closet and emptied drawers, presenting them to Sonny with his arms outstretched like a Price is Right model, and he’d welcomed Sonny’s presence in the apartment with equally as open arms. His books were tucked into rich mahogany shelves, cooking utensils that Rafael couldn’t even guess as to their use found a home in kitchen drawers, and there was even a framed photo of the Carisi family on the mantel. All signs that it was just as much Sonny’s home as his own.

“Home sweet home,” Rafael said when they walked through the door of the apartment, dropping suitcases in the entryway.

Sonny looked around, noting that everything was just how they left it, a small frown on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Rafael asked, wheeling his suitcase toward the bedroom. He was the unpack right away type, while Sonny was very much the live out of an exploded suitcase for a couple of weeks until he finally got around to unpacking type. At least he had been. He didn’t figure Rafael would appreciate that very much.

“I just thought that it would...feel different.”

Rafael stopped walking and turned, hand still on the handle of his suitcase and the hint of a grin on his lips. “Why, because we’re no longer living in sin?”

Sonny smirked at him. “No, the sinning was my favorite part.”

“Well, I can assure you, there is still plenty of sinning left to be had,” Rafael raised his eyebrows and continued into the bedroom, Sonny at his heels.

* * *

As he rode the elevator up to the squad room, Sonny was struck again by how everything had stayed the same. How the world kept chugging along just as it always had, while he’d been tucked away with the love of his life. 

Maybe he’d expected things to be different because  _ he _ was different. He was happier than he’d ever been. He had a life that he’d never expected, not when he’d spent his adolescent years convinced he was going to hell and his early adulthood reconciling his upbringing with who he was. So, yeah, he’d thought that maybe there should be some shift in the universe now that he’d gotten everything he ever wanted.

But he supposed that was the beauty in it. While it was nothing earth shattering, he still had all he could ever need. He had sweet kisses from a (sadly smooth-faced) Rafael on his way out the door, coffee from his favorite cafe, and a group of co-workers who were more like family. The latter of which brought a smile to his face as he walked into the squadroom.

“Hey, who missed me?” he greeted them, profferring the drink carrier he held in one hand and the bakery box he held in the other.

“Hey!” Rollins’ face brightened when he saw her and he dropped the box on her desk as she pulled him into a hug, trying his best not to drop the coffees. “You’re so tan! How was the honeymoon?” she asked, pulling back and taking one of the cups of coffee from the tray.

“It was...phenomenal,” Sonny’s tone was wistful.

“Ugh, please don’t say any more than that,” Fin grumbled, leaning over to Rollins’ desk, pilfering through the bakery box and coming away with a bear claw. “I do not need those images.”

“No,” Sonny felt his cheeks warm and pulled a cup from the carrier, setting it on Fin’s desk. He left the tray with his coffee and the Lieutenant’s on his own desk. “That’s not what I meant. Antigua was absolutely gorgeous. The water was so clear you could—”

“Hey, guys,” Olivia announced, coming out of her office. “We caught a case. Missing teenage girl. She’s been gone since last night and the Mom works as an admin in the mayor’s office so they kicked it up to us. Go talk to the parents and get a read.” She handed Rollins a slip of paper with the address on it.

Sonny, who had not yet taken off his coat, grabbed his coffee and handed the Lieutenant hers before heading toward the door with Rollins.

“Thanks,” Olivia tipped her cup toward him in gratitude, and then called out, “And, Carisi?”

“Yeah, Lieu?” He asked over his shoulder.

“Welcome back.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies that there isn't much Barisi in this chapter. I had to set up the case, but there will be much more in the coming chapters. :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Sonny had been in hundreds of apartments and houses during his career and he found it interesting how the state of the home said so much about the people who lived there. He’d been in tiny, cramped spaces with barely enough room to turn around in that were tidy and clean with photos and memories on the walls, and he’d been in massive townhouses worth more than he’d make in his lifetime that were cold and sterile, the unhappiness of the occupants on display in their shiny appliances and uncomfortable furniture. 

The Merlo apartment fell closer to the former. It was a small two bedroom, but it was warm—both literally and figuratively—and lived in. The couch had indententations from hours spent lounged on its soft cushions, the kitchen table had a puzzle, only about halfway complete, spread across its surface, and a small mound of snow boots in various sizes were piled by the door. All signs of a normal, happy family.

At least they had been, until today.

“Here.” Valeria Merlo handed him a photo, her voice still watery from the tears she’d shed when Rollins and Carisi had shown up at their door. He wasn’t sure if it was relief at someone taking her concern about her daughter seriously, or if their appearance made it all too real. Probably a little of both, he guessed, based on past experience. “This is our Denia.”

The girl in the photo was young, but pretty, with long, straight black hair and bronze skin. Her dark eyes shined against the cheap blue background of the school photo. She looked like Valeria, Sonny noticed, but was afraid saying so might send the woman back into tears.

“And the last time you saw her was last night?” Sonny asked, slipping the photo into his coat pocket so he could take notes.

“Yes,” the father, Edwin, answered, wrapping his arm around his wife’s shoulders. “She went to a friend’s house a few blocks over to work on a project for school. She—She never came home.”

“And you confirmed she was with the friend?” Rollins questioned, her own notebook poised.

Valeria nodded. “Yes, I spoke with Alison, Chelsea’s mother, last night. She said Denia left at about eight o’clock. It’s only three blocks, how could this happen?” Her voice broke again, but she managed to keep it together.

“Does Denia have a boyfriend? Maybe she met up with him and...lost track of time?” Rollins tried to be as diplomatic as possible, but it didn’t seem to help.

“Of course not,” Edwin’s shoulders stiffened. “She’s only fourteen.”

“Denia isn’t like that. She gets good grades, is on the volleyball team. She doesn’t concern herself with boys.” Valeria’s eyes began to fill with tears again.

Sonny didn’t have to look at Rollins to know they were thinking the same thing. They’d both heard the same speech from parents dozens of times and then it turned out that they didn’t know their kid as well as they thought they did.

Although, in this case, he wasn’t getting that vibe.

Worried that he was going to lose Valeria to another break down, he rushed to get more answers. “And there’s no other place she would go? No other friends she’s close to? Do you have relatives in the area that she stays with?”

“She has a few friends at school, but they don’t live in the neighborhood. The only family we have in the city is my brother,” Valeria explained. “He lives on 103rd street, not far, but I don’t think she’d go to see him.”

Amanda glanced at Sonny before looking back at the couple. “Why’s that?”

“I just mean, why would she?” Valeria shrugged, but then a small glimmer of hope came into her eyes. “But maybe she would? I didn’t even think to—I’ve been so worried and…” 

“Well, Mrs. Merlo, why don’t you call your brother and check just in case?” Sonny suggested softly.  “And Mr. Merlo, would you mind writing down the names of any of her friends you can think of as well as the contact information for the friend who she went to see last night?”

* * *

 

Rafael walked into the squad room to find it sorely lacking in detectives. Only a few uniforms milled about and he wondered not for the first time how long 1PP was going to allow the unit to go overworked and understaffed before sending in reinforcements. It had been the miracle of miracles that they’d let Sonny take time off for their honeymoon.

He found Olivia’s office door open and the woman herself behind the desk talking on the phone. She waved him in as she continued to speak. “It’s not looking like a runaway, but my detectives are speaking with her friends and—” She rolled her eyes at being cut off and Rafael took a seat across from her. “We’ll need to get a formalized search going, block by block. You know the drill. By this afternoon. Thank you.” She ended the call and looked up at him. “They already got to you too?”

Rafael nodded, face grim. “Apparently Valeria Merlo is very beloved in the mayor’s office.”

“There’s not much for you to do yet. We don’t even know for sure what this is. Could be an abduction, could be that she met someone online and took off. It’s still too early.”

“I can get you a warrant for any electronics in the home. Her phone records,” he offered, wanting to be useful.

“Don’t need one,” Olivia shook her head. “Parents handed over everything, signed off with the phone provider. We’re just waiting on TARU to do their thing.”

Rafael leaned back in his chair, finger tapping on his knee, realizing that he’d wasted a trip down here. He should have just called, should still be in his office, digging through the never ending mountain of emails that had been waiting on him that morning. He wouldn’t admit that a part of him had been hoping to see Sonny. After having him by his side non-stop for days, it felt strange being away from him, even for only a few hours.

He was pathetic.

“Carisi looked happy, at least in the ten seconds that I saw him,” Olivia said, almost as if she knew where Rafael’s thoughts had gone. “How was the honeymoon?”

“It was really good.” He couldn’t help the smile that crept across his face and he was glad that he didn’t have to. There was a time, a few years ago, when he and Sonny had done everything they could to keep what was happening between them a secret. He’d been terrified, both of the feelings he’d felt for the gangly detective and what it would mean for his career, for their careers.

Even now, it wasn’t easy. Rafael had to recuse himself from any case that required Sonny’s testimony and the snide comments, some murmured and some outright spoken, were many, but it was worth it to be where they were now, open and honest, especially with those they cared about.

“Wishing you hadn’t come back?” she asked with a smile.

“Something like that,” he grinned and stood. “Let me know when you need me to come in on this. I’m going to go read the ten thousand banal emails that came in while I was gone.”

“Have fun,” she called after him with a smile, happy to have him back even if he didn’t share the sentiment.   

* * *

If Valeria Merlo’s home was well-kept and comfortable, her brother’s was the opposite. Alvin Flores lived in a cramped studio that held a futon that leaned to one side and not much else. The stove was covered in junk mail, a fire hazard to be sure, and the trashcan overflowed with take out containers. 

He was a lot younger than his sister—if Sonny had to hazard a guess he’d put him at about twenty-five or so—and it definitely showed in his living conditions.  

“Alvin, when is the last time you saw your niece?” Sonny asked, standing near the door because there was nowhere else to go. It was a good thing Rollins had gone to interview a few of Denia’s friends. They probably wouldn’t have all fit in the small space.

“Sunday,” Alvin answered. “I always have dinner at my sister’s on Sunday. She wants me to have at least one home cooked meal.” He eyed the discarded take out containers with a bit of embarrassment.

“Are you guys close? I know I hope that when my niece gets older she’ll be able to come talk to me about things she can’t talk to her parents about,” he said affably. “Do you guys have that kind of relationship?”

Alvin shook his head. “Not really. I mean, we’re closer in age, so we talk about TV and music and stuff, but she doesn’t really tell me about her life or anything.”

“Does she seem to get along with your sister and Edwin?” Sonny questioned carefully, not wanting to put him on the defensive about his sister. “Do you think maybe she’d run away if she was upset with them?”

“No, she’s a good kid. They all get along well for the most part.” He stopped, as if he’d said too much.

“For the most part?” Sonny asked, not willing to let it go.

“Well,” Alvin thought a moment, running a hand through already unruly hair. “I think my sister has a hard time accepting the fact that Denia is growing up. She can be overprotective.”

“What do you mean?” Sonny prodded.

“I don’t know,” Alvin shrugged. “I’ve heard them argue about things at dinner before. Denia wanting to go to the movies with her friends and Valeria not letting her go. That sort of stuff.”

“Did anything like that happen this past Sunday?”

“No,” Alvin shook his head again. “She was actually pretty quiet. Has been the last few weeks or so.”  

“Okay, thanks.” Sonny flipped his notebook closed, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a business card. “Let me know if you think of anything else or if Denia gets in touch with you.”

“Sure.” Alvin slipped the card into the back pocket of his jeans. “Hey, is it okay if I go over there? To Valeria’s? I’d like to be with her.”

“Of course,” Sonny nodded. “I think she’d like that.”

As he was making the trek back down the six flights of stairs in Alvin’s building and wishing for a second cup of coffee, Sonny’s phone buzzed in his pocket. “Yeah, Lieu?”

“TARU tracked Denia’s phone. According to the GPS it’s within fifty feet of the Merlo’s apartment building.”

“What? That doesn’t make sense.” He took the stairs faster now, glad he was still within a few blocks of the Merlo home.

“Get over there and see if you can find it,” Olivia directed. “I’m going to send a CSU team just in case.”  

It took them awhile, with Sonny and the CSU team searching all around the Merlo’s building, but one of the techs finally found the phone in a trash can at the corner of the block. With it was Denia’s backpack. It wasn’t a good sign, the fact that these things were dumped pointed more to an abduction than a runaway, but Sonny was relieved that they weren’t found along with her body. It was possible that Denia was still alive somewhere.

After the techs took photos of the items in the trashcan, Sonny slipped on some gloves and went through the backpack. There wasn’t anything of interest, the standard notebooks and textbooks, pens and pencils. The only personal items were a tube of chapstick and small hairbrush.

Back at the station, once everything had been logged, printed, and examined he’d go through the notebooks just in case there was anything relevant, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t find anything more than math problems and notes on The Scarlet Letter.

Leaving CSU to bag and tag everything he walked back toward the Merlo’s building, not looking forward to telling them what they’d found.

* * *

 

Back at the station the squad gathered around the conference table, updating Olivia on what they knew. Rollins had gotten the same impression from Denia’s friends that Sonny had gotten from the uncle. Denia was a good kid with good grades and a close group of friends.

“At least, they had been,” Rollins was saying. “Chelsea, the girl who Denia was with last night, said that it was the first time Denia had been over in weeks and it was only because they had a project due for school. She said that whenever she contacted her to hang out she said her mom said she couldn’t.”

“The uncle said that Mrs. Merlo can be kind of overprotective, but it didn’t seem like it went that far,” Sonny chimed in, thinking of the way the woman had clung to him and cried into the front of his coat when he’d told them about the backpack and phone. “Think she was lying to avoid her friends?”

“Seems that way,” Rollins shrugged. “But why?”

“Not sure, but that timeline seems to coincide with her quitting the volleyball team,” Fin supplied. “Coach said she up and quit about a month ago. Didn’t give a reason.”

“Did the parents know that she quit?” Olivia asked from the front of the room where she was adding relevant notes and details to their whiteboard.

“They didn’t mention it. Said she plays volleyball, present tense,” Sonny answered, flipping through his notebook to verify even though he knew he was right.

“Teachers said they’ve noticed a change in behavior too,” Fin continued. “She’s always been pretty reserved, but seems that she’d gotten even more so lately.”

“And none of these people thought to bring it up to someone? Notify the parents that something was wrong?” Olivia questioned, but it was mostly rhetorical. They’d seen it all before, warning signs getting ignored or chalked up to teenage hormones and angst.

“What do we think this is?” Rollins asked. “All of her friends said she didn’t have a boyfriend, or girlfriend. TARU is still going through the electronics, but their prelim report is that there isn’t anything suspicious. It could be a stranger abduction.”

“It could, but something was clearly going on with her and these things usually aren’t coincidences.” Olivia put the cap on the expo marker and tapped it against her palm. “Do we think it’s abuse? Fin, did the coach or any teachers give you a vibe?”

“Nah, but we all know that doesn’t mean anything.” 

“What about the uncle?” She looked at Sonny.

He shook his head, “No, but like Fin said…”

Olivia frowned, aggravated that they didn’t have more to go on. She’d already fielded countless calls from the mayor’s office and 1PP today and they all were well aware that the more time that went by the lesser their chances of finding Denia alive.

“Maybe we’ll get something on her phone. In the meantime, go back and recanvas the neighbors, maybe someone will be home now who wasn’t earlier. Also check with any businesses nearby to see if they have surveillance footage,” Olivia ordered. “I’ve got uniforms out doing a block by block search. I’ll pull a couple more to help with the canvas.”

“I gotta make arrangements with the nanny,” Rollins told Sonny once Olivia had dismissed them. “Then we’ll head out?”

“Yeah, sure,” Sonny nodded as she left the room, pulling her cell phone from her pocket. Noting the late hour on the clock that hung on the wall, Sonny realized he should probably check in himself. Leaning against the conference table, he pulled out his phone and hit a few buttons before holding it to his ear. He scrubbed a hand over his face as he listened to the line ring.

“Hey,” Rafael finally answered, his tone affectionate.

“Hey,” Sonny echoed, but he just sounded tired, the events of the day finally catching up to him.

“Back at it one day and you’re already exhausted,” Rafael clucked his tongue, but the worry in his tone betrayed his playful gesture.

“Yeah, well, it’s probably only going to get worse. That’s why I’m calling actually. I don’t think I’m going to make it home tonight,” he sounded regretful. “By the time we get done I’ll probably only have enough time to crash in the crib for a couple of hours.”

“Not even married two weeks and I’m already being neglected,” Rafael teased. “I didn’t think it would start so soon.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just this case—”

“It’s fine, Sonny. I was only kidding.” Rafael’s voice was soft. “The mayor’s office has already called me about it and I’ve talked to Liv a few times today. I know this is a big one and she warned me you probably wouldn’t be home much until you find her.”

Hearing that made Sonny feel like he’d broken some marriage rule. He knew it was silly, but he felt guilty that Rafael had heard from Olivia instead of Sonny himself that he wouldn’t be home. He wanted to apologize again, but knew that Rafael would just brush it off as unnecessary. “So, how much do you think Antiguan real estate goes for?” he asked instead.

Rafael chuckled. “More than a couple civil servants can afford, unfortunately.”

Sonny sighed, “Well, I should go. We have to get back out there.”

“Be safe, okay? And try to get some rest. I love you.”

“I will. I love you, too.” Just as he was ending the call Rollins returned and the look on her face had him worrying. “What is it? Is something wrong with Jesse?”

“No,” she shook her head. “We just heard from the unis doing the search.They found Denia.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the tags apply to this chapter. We're getting into the nitty gritty. 
> 
> I am absolutely loving writing this story and I thank you all for letting me indulge.

The January wind whipped and pricked like needles on any bit of exposed skin, but the chill Sonny felt roll down his spine had nothing to do with the weather. He ducked under the stoop and into the cramped space that led to the building’s basement apartment, stepping around the CSU photographer and crossing himself as he squatted down to get a closer look. It was the last thing he wanted to do, moving closer to Denia’s lifeless body, but it was the job.

If it weren’t for the bruising around her neck in the shape of long fingers—probably the cause of death, but that would be up to the ME to confirm— and the gray tint of her skin, made even more evident by the lights CSU had set up, she would look almost serene. But he knew that what she’d been through had been anything but peaceful.

Having seen enough, he climbed the two steps from under the stoop and joined Amanda who had just wrapped up with the uniforms who’d found the body. “Less than two blocks from home.” She shook her head and he felt the sorrow in her voice echo within him.

“Does someone live here?” he asked, more out of curiosity at how someone didn’t notice a dead girl in front of their door than any hope that the killer was dumb enough to leave her outside his place of residence.

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Rollins answered, stuffing her cold hands in her pockets and looking up at the seven story building. “Seems like the whole building is vacant. Maybe a remodel since the unis said she had a tarp over her, only found her because her foot was sticking out.” She grimaced before continuing. “We’ll figure out who owns it and confirm.”

He nodded as the ME van pulled up. Dr. Warner stepped out of the passenger side as her assistant climbed from the driver’s seat and began removing their equipment from the back.

“Sorry, it’s a busy night for New York’s dead,” Melinda apologized, her breath coming out in puffs that the wind carried away. “It’s a kid?”

Sonny nodded. “Fourteen year old girl.”

“The one you’d been looking for,” Melinda guessed and Sonny nodded.

The alert had gone out almost immediately, not that any of the news stations had picked it up. Missing girls of color didn’t get the same round the clock coverage that blonde, middle class white girls received. She would be news now, if only because her mother had connections to the mayor’s office.

It left Sonny with a bad taste in his mouth.

Melinda’s assistant rolled a gurney up onto the sidewalk, her heavy black bag sitting on its middle. “Well, I’ll get to it then.”

“I know we always say this,” Amanda began, “but we need something on this fast.”

“You’re right,” Melinda said over her shoulder. “You do always say that.” And so did the detective at the crime scene she’d just come from, she thought. “But I’ll do my best.”

“Well,” Amanda said, looking up at Sonny, stomping her feet to try to warm them. “I guess it’s time.”

“Yeah,” he agreed solemnly. The only thing worse than dealing with the dead was telling the living that they’d lost someone they loved.

For the second time that night he made his way up the block to deliver bad news to the Merlos.

* * *

An hour later they walked out of the Merlo’s building, shoulders heavier now with the grief of two mourning parents. Sonny still felt the grip of Valeria’s hands on his forearms as she’d shouted at him, telling him he was wrong, that her daughter couldn’t be dead. 

Edwin had remained stoic, asking questions about Denia’s death in a stilted voice that Sonny hadn’t wanted to answer, but sometimes people just needed to know the facts. He’d seen it before. Everyone grieved in their own way.

He and Amanda had needed to ask them more questions, but that hadn’t really been possible tonight. The Merlos would have to go in to officially ID Denia’s body in the morning. They’d try to talk to them then, he decided. It felt invasive, to poke and prod at people who were already raw and bleeding, but again, it was the job.

As they walked down the steps to the street, Sonny noticed a man leaning against the concrete pillar at the bottom. He was tall, probably taller than Sonny, his bulky jacket making him look even larger, and smoke plumed from the cigarette he was smoking.

“Hey,” he said as Amanda and Sonny reached the sidewalk, nodding toward the badge Sonny had pinned to the pocket of his coat. “You here about the dead girl?”

Up close Sonny could see that he was young, despite his size, the pale skin of his face nearly glowing in the streetlight. “Yeah, I’m Detective Carisi, this is Detective Rollins. What’s your name?”

“Dylan.”

“You old enough for that cigarette, Dylan?” Sonny asked lightly, truly wanting to know, but not wanting to turn him off from talking to them.

“I’m eighteen,” Dylan took a defiant drag, the end of the cigarette glowing as he inhaled.

“You know something about Denia Merlo?” Rollins asked, having to crane her neck to look up at him.

Dylan shrugged, blowing out a puff of smoke. “I live in the building. I see things.”

“Like what?” Sonny asked, too tired to play games with some kid. Because that’s what he was regardless of the three inches he had on him. It was after midnight, over sixteen hours since he’d walked into the precinct with coffee and pastries, and he’d run out of patience.

“Like her uncle hanging out here when she gets home from school. When her parents aren’t home. Creepy dude if you ask me,” Dylan said with another shrug, tossing the cigarette butt to the ground and stomping it out with his worn sneaker.

“How often?” Amanda asked, eyes narrowing.

“I dunno. Couple times a week at least. More so lately.” He paused, trying to decide if he should say more. “He always leaves before the Merlos come home from work.”

“And how do you know this?” Sonny questioned, not sure if he was telling the truth or was just getting off on having the attention of the police. “Do you live on the same floor as the Merlos?”

“No, I live below them, but my parents kinda suck, so I hang out here a lot.”

“Even in the cold?” Rollins eyed his pink cheeks and ears and tried not to think about the blocks of ice forming where her feet should be.

Dylan shrugged again and Sonny was beginning to wonder if it was a tic. “Warmer than it is in there.”

“Well, if you see or remember anything else that can help us, give me a call.” Sonny retrieved a card from his pocket and handed it to Dylan.

“Sure thing, Detective,” Dylan shoved the card in his pocket and then fished out another cigarette, lighting it as Sonny and Amanda walked down the block to where they’d left their SUV.

“Think he’s telling the truth about the uncle?” Sonny asked her, rubbing his hands together and then blowing into them.

“Don’t have a reason not to,” Amanda answered as they reached the car. “We’ll bring him in tomorrow.”

* * *

“Hey,” Rafael said gently from the doorway of the bunk room, watching as Sonny worked his tie into a knot, using the mirror that hung on the inside of his locker. The shadows under his eyes after less than two days removed from a relaxing tropical vacation had Rafael once again cursing his husband’s chosen line of work. 

“It’s barely seven,” Sonny said in lieu of a greeting. “What are you doing here?”

Rafael stepped fully into the room, letting the door close behind him. “I wanted to see you before I went to the office, to see how you’re doing.” He stepped forward as Sonny finished the tie, slamming his locker closed. “How  _ are  _ you doing?”

“I’m…” Sonny turned to face him and Rafael let his hands land on his waist, rubbing circles with his thumbs, a gesture that Sonny always found comfort in. “I’m tired of finding dead girls.”

Rafael thought of Emma Lawrence and how Sonny hadn’t slept for days afterward, instead slipping out of bed in the middle of the night to pray at the Church of St Paul the Apostle. He’d spoken with Rafael about it very little, but seemed to find what he needed with the church so Rafael had let it go. Maybe he shouldn’t have.

Now, Rafael opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head. “It’s not what you need from me right now.” He tried to pull him closer, but Sonny resisted.

“I know what you were going to say,” Sonny said, then put on his best Rafael voice. “If you’re sick of it then quit and use your law license.”

“Well,” Rafael allowed a small grin to play on his lips even though he probably shouldn’t have, given the situation. “I’m not wrong.”

“Dammit, Raf.” Sonny took a step back, running a hand through hair that was still damp from his shower. “You’re seriously going to do this right now?”

“Hey,” Rafael held up his hands. “You’re doing it. I didn’t say anything.”

“You don’t have to say it when you’re thinking it so damn loud,” Sonny complained. “I stood over a dead fourteen year old girl last night, left like trash under a stoop. I had to tell her parents that she was never coming home and you’re going to use that as leverage to get me to quit and become a lawyer?”

“Again, you brought it up, but,” he said carefully, “I don’t like seeing you like this. I know how these cases get to you. You internalize all of it and it eats at you and you have nightmares for weeks. I’ll bet they’ve already started. Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Not really,” Sonny admitted begrudgingly.

“See?” Rafael stepped forward and was relieved when Sonny stayed put, allowing him to place a hand on his cheek, running his thumb over the dark circle under Sonny’s left eye. “I hate that you put yourself through this and it kills me that there’s nothing I can do to help.”

“You think you don’t help? Why do you think I didn’t get any sleep? Because when I did have a nightmare, you weren’t there to kiss me and tell me everything was okay.” Sonny tried not to think about the dream, Denia’s dead eyes staring up at him, her twisted mouth asking him why he hadn’t saved her, and instead turned his head to lightly kiss Rafael’s wrist that was just barely sticking out of the sleeve of his light blue oxford shirt and navy suit jacket.

“You do so much, clearly more than you know,” Sonny continued. “And I promise, if it ever gets to be too much, I’ll walk away.”

Rafael wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t bring himself to.

“I will,” Sonny insisted, reading the look on his face.

“Fine,” Rafael sighed, shaking his head. “I know this is important. I know that you want to find who did this to her, but take care of yourself, too, please.”

“I will,” Sonny repeated. “I promise.”

Rafael couldn’t ask for more than that. He raised himself up, pressing his lips to Sonny’s, desperately wishing that they were anywhere else so he could tilt his head and turn the kiss into something deeper, dirtier, if for no other reason to distract Sonny, but they weren’t anywhere else, so he pulled away.

“Not yet,” Sonny whined, dipping his head and capturing Rafael’s lips again, his hands coming up to play in the soft hairs at the nape of his neck. Their hips pressed together and Rafael parted his lips to allow Sonny’s tongue entrance. It was when he felt Sonny start to grow hard against him that he pulled back regretfully.

“We can’t do this here and I have to get to the office.”

“Okay, fine,” Sonny said, but a mischievous grin crossed his face. “Hey, remember that night in Antigua when…” he pressed his lips against Rafael’s ear so he felt the ghost of Sonny’s breath as he whispered words that had Rafael’s cock instantly pressing against his zipper.

“Dammit, Sonny,” Rafael tried to push him away, but Sonny only laughed, pulling him back against him and giving him another quick kiss. “You’re evil,” Rafael accused, the closest expression he had to a pout clouding his features.

Sonny laughed again. “I was just making sure you remembered because I  _ will _ be home tonight and there will be a reenactment.”

“I’m going to hold you to that,” Rafael warned him.

“You better.”

* * *

It was after nine when Sonny finally unlocked their apartment door, the ungodly heat that Rafael kept cranked—”I have Cuban blood, Sonny. I need to be warm.”—actually felt good for once after having been out in the frigid temperatures. 

He hung his coat in the closet by the door and kicked off his shoes before making his way into the living room. He found Rafael on the couch, legal pad balanced on his thigh as he scribbled, CNN playing low on the TV.

“Hey,” Sonny bent over the back of the couch to place a quick kiss on his cheek before circling around to collapse on the cushions next to him.      

“You know, for having such a bony ass you sit like it’s full of lead,” Rafael snarked, continuing to write. “You’re going to break the couch one of these days.”

Sonny huffed an annoyed sigh, pulling his tie loose. “My day was complete shit, thanks for asking.”

Rafael looked up now, frowning at the shadows under Sonny’s eyes, darker now than they had been when he’d seen him that morning. “Well, I made dinner,” he gestured at the take out containers on the coffee table. “It should still be warm. Eat while you tell me about it.”

Sonny didn’t have to be told twice. His lunch had consisted of a bag of chips from the vending machine and the emergency sleeve of Rolos he kept in his desk drawer. He grabbed a set of chopsticks and a container of what looked to be Kung Pao Chicken, digging in heartily.

After a few quick bites he looked over at Rafael. “You're not eating?”

“Already did. I wasn’t sure when you’d be home.” He tossed his legal pad and pen on top of the coffee table and patted his lap. Sonny swung his legs up resting his calves across Rafael’s thighs, his back against the arm of the couch as he shoveled in another mouthful of chicken. “I heard you brought in the uncle.”

Sonny nodded, chewing. “Yeah, claims the only time he goes to the Merlo’s apartment is for Sunday dinner. We went at him for awhile, but his story never changed. We tried to find someone in the building to corroborate Dylan’s claims, but conveniently none of them know anything.”

Rafael took one of Sonny’s feet in his hands, kneading the arch with his thumb and Sonny nearly moaned. “Surveillance footage?”

“We’ve already pulled it from all known cameras on their block. There’s only a couple, a bodega on the corner and a laundromat. They both only keep their footage a week, but it should be enough if we can catch him on it on a different day than Sunday. Fin’s been going through it, but you know it’s slow going.”

Rafael nodded, moving his hands from Sonny’s foot to massage his calf. The muscles there were unbelievably tight and Sonny winced a little. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. And if you stop, I’ll kill you.”  

Rafael chuckled, increasing the pressure a little bit.

Sonny popped the last piece of chicken on his mouth, chewing slowly as he put the empty container on the coffee table. He swallowed and was quiet for a moment before speaking. “We got Warner’s preliminary report.”

“I know,” Rafael said softly, switching to Sonny’s other foot. “Liv sent it over.”

Sonny just nodded and Rafael could see his eyes cloud over as the details from the report ran through his mind. Cause of death was likely strangulation, as he’d suspected, but that wasn’t the part that was eating at him, Rafael decided. No, it wouldn’t even be the fact that she was raped before she died. It would be the signs of long term abuse, the healing tears and bruises of varying ages on her thighs, which meant that it was someone in her life that had been assaulting her.

It wasn’t a random stranger who pulled her off the street. It was most likely someone she trusted. And that, more than anything, would be what curled within Sonny’s chest, squeezing with an unrelenting grip, what would keep him running himself ragged until he found the person responsible.

“Come back to me,” Rafael said softly, working his hand up Sonny’s calf, the muscles there just as taut as its counterpart had been.

“Sorry,” Sonny offered a small smile, leaning his head on the couch cushion. “This isn’t exactly dinner conversation.”

Rafael gave him a look. “On our first date you talked non stop about a serial rapist.”

“That’s because you didn’t tell me it was a date,” Sonny mumbled, his eyes beginning to close. He was so tired and the feeling of Rafael massaging his sore muscles was just so relaxing.

“I asked you to dinner, something I hadn’t ever done before, I didn’t think I had to spell it out for you.” He’d lost count of how many times they’d had this argument, but when he glanced over at Sonny, his chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm, he realized he’d won it for once.

He slipped out from under Sonny’s legs, standing to nudge him gently. “Hey, let’s go to bed.”

“No,” Sonny protested sleepily, keeping his eyes closed. “We gotta do the Antigua thing.”

Rafael smiled at that, loving that Sonny intended to keep his promise from that morning even though he was so tired he literally couldn’t keep his eyes open. “Not tonight.” He leaned over to give Sonny a kiss on the cheek. “I do need you to help me out though because as we established in an incident that I’d rather not relive, I can’t carry you.”

Sonny chuckled at that, a gravelly sound borne of the exhaustion that gripped every part of him, and finally opened his eyes. “Fine, you win.” Although he’d be the first to admit he hadn’t been a worthy opponent, not tonight. He took the hand that Rafael offered and allowed himself to be led into the bedroom.

And later that night, when Sonny woke in a cold sweat, chest heaving, Rafael was there to pull him close and whisper assurances in his ear. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here.” He held Sonny’s cheek and pressed his forehead to his temple. “I’m here.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly just filler, but the next chapter has some good stuff *cough*smut*cough*. :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Sonny stumbled into the kitchen, bedhead in its full glory and sweatpants slung low on his hips, to find Rafael standing in front of his actual true love, the coffee pot, pouring what was probably at least his second cup of the morning. He was already dressed for the day, a light gray suit over a lilac shirt with a perfectly knotted purple paisley tie. Normally Sonny would do his best to dishevel him, but now he just held up his phone and greeted him with a grumpy, “You turned off my alarm.”

“Yes, I did.” Rafael added a splash of cream to his coffee before returning the container to the refrigerator. Carrying his mug, he closed the space between them, giving Sonny a soft kiss on the lips and putting a hand to a cheek still lined with pillow creases. “You were actually sleeping for once and you needed the rest.”

Sonny ran a hand through his sleep mussed hair, only making it stick up even more. “Okay, but now I’m late for work.”

“It’s fine,” Rafael shrugged, dropping his hand and turning to pull a second mug out of the cupboard so he could pour Sonny his cup of sugar with a little coffee added. “I texted Liv. She agreed with me that a little extra sleep couldn’t hurt.”

Sonny frowned, dropping his phone into the pocket of his sweats so he could take the mug from Rafael. “I don’t need you texting my Lieutenant.” He ignored Rafael’s eye roll as he added more sugar to his cup, whether it was for the sugar or the formality with which he referred to Olivia he wasn’t sure. Probably both. “You shouldn’t use your friendship with her to get me special treatment. I don’t want that.”

Rafael huffed, leaning against the counter, drinking from his cup. “It’s not special treatment, it’s Olivia recognizing when an employee needs a break.”

“Rollins and Fin don’t get a break and they didn’t just spend ten days in the freakin’ Caribbean. Rollins has a kid and works just as many hours as I do.” As if on cue his phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out. “It’s Fin. Looks like they got something on the surveillance footage. I gotta go.” He drained his mug and left it in the sink.

“Do me a favor would you?” Rafael caught his arm as he tried to make his way out of the kitchen. “Make sure you always have someone with you?”

Sonny fought an eye roll. “Raf, you do realize that I’ve been a cop for a long time? I can take care of myself.”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Rafael paused, looking slightly ashamed. “I want this case.”

He should have known. As long as Rollins or Fin or the Lieutenant or even a freakin’ patrolman was with Sonny when he was investigating, they could testify at trial instead, leaving Rafael free to prosecute the case. And that’s what Sonny wanted for their victims, the best ADA there was working to put their perpetrators away, but sometimes it bothered him that he had to hold himself back in order for that to happen.

And it was, holding him back. The stipulation, put in place when he and Rafael had first disclosed, made Olivia hesitant to make Sonny the lead on their bigger cases, even though he’d more than earned it by now. It stung, but in the end he’d always put their victims, and Rafael, first.

“Oh. Yeah,” he said, acting like it was no big deal. Because it wasn’t, not really. In the end they were all on the same side. “I think we’re good there so far.”

Rafael found it funny that Sonny thought he could get anything by him. He used to tell him that he could read him like a book, but that didn’t even fit anymore. No, now Sonny was a well worn and beloved novel that he knew by heart. “I don’t have to keep it. I can go ahead and hand it over to DiCarlo if you want to step up on this one.” As badly as he wanted to be the one to handle it, he’d step aside if that’s what Sonny wanted.

“No, it’s okay,” Sonny shrugged his shoulders. “Rollins is already the lead detective of record. I’ll just be careful.”

“You’re sure?” Rafael looked up at him, eyes searching for any sign that he wasn’t.

“I’m sure,” Sonny grinned, wrapping his arms around Rafael’s waist. “I do kinda miss you going at me on the witness stand though. It was hot as hell.”

Rafael smirked. “You should have said something. I can cross examine you any time you like.”  

“Yeah?” Sonny asked, dipping his head and kissing Rafael in a way that left him breathless, a way that he shouldn’t, not when they both had places to be.

“Yeah,” Rafael pulled away and gave him a little shove. “But not now, you have to go.”

“I still have to shower. You can join me.” Sonny gave a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows that had Rafael rolling his eyes.

“Do you see this?” He gestured to his suit. “I don’t think so.”

“It was worth a shot.” Sonny began to make his way back to the bedroom, but seemed to think better of it, spinning around to hook one arm around Rafael, pulling him into a searing kiss. “I love you.”

Rafael smiled up at him. “I love you, too. Now go.” He swatted at Sonny’s backside as he left the room, grinning to himself as he finished the last of his coffee.

* * *

“Enjoy your beauty sleep?” Fin greeted when Sonny walked into the squad room an hour later. He’d thought about stopping for coffee again, as an apology for coming in late, but that would have only made him even later.

“Fin,” Amanda, ever Sonny’s protector except when she was the one going at him, chastised, not even looking up from her laptop.

“Look,” Fin leaned back in his chair, “all I’m saying is I wish I was sleeping with Liv’s best friend and then maybe I could get some rest too.”

“You want to sleep with Barba?” Rollins quirked an eyebrow and Sonny huffed a laugh as he hung his coat over the back of his chair.

Fin shot her a dirty look across their desks. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Watch out, Sonny. He’s coming for your man,” Rollins teased, enjoying the way Fin’s face twisted even deeper into a grimace.

“As much as I love talking about Fin sleeping with my husband,” Sonny said, the phrase, still new on his tongue, sent a small thrill through him as he strolled over to stand by their desks. “There was something in the surveillance footage?”

“Oh, yeah,” Fin tapped a few keys on his laptop, glad to return to the topic of murder where he was more comfortable. “Here’s your boy Alvin going into the bodega at the end of the Merlos’ block on Thursday of last week.” Fin clicked into a new window. “And here he is again on Monday.”

“Both times around three-thirty,” Sonny mused, checking out the timestamps. “Right around the time Denia would have been getting home from school.”

“Exactly,” Fin looked up at him.

“But not on Tuesday? The day of the murder?” Sonny’s mouth turned down, eyes searching the screen like he could make additional footage appear.

“No, but this proves he’s a liar." Fin gestured towards the computer. "Rollins and I are gonna go pick him up.”

“I can go,” Sonny offered.

“Nah, I’ve been doing nothing but staring at this screen. I gotta stretch my legs.” As if to prove his point, Fin stood, grabbing his coat.

Sonny wanted to protest, he already had a rapport with Alvin, but then he thought about the conversation he’d had with Rafael that morning and changed his mind. “Yeah, okay. I’ll do...something.”

“CSU sent over the contents of Denia’s backpack now that they’re done with it.” Rollins nodded to the plastic evidence bags on her desk as she zipped her coat. “If you want to start going through it.”

He collected the bags and settled at his desk as Rollins and Fins left the squad room. He fished a pair of gloves from his bottom desk drawer to protect his hands from the fingerprinting powder that coated the items. He’d learned the hard way what a bitch it was to get that stuff off of your hands.

He skimmed over TARU’s report on Denia’s phone, noting that there was nothing out of the ordinary, which he’d figured. If they’d found anything of note he would have been told already. He sat the report and the evidence bag holding her phone aside and reached for the bags containing her spiral notebooks.

They were each a different color, labeled neatly with the class it was to be used for. Sonny marveled at the level of organization, thinking back to his freshman year of high school and the way he’d kept all of his papers crammed in his Trapper Keeper—the one with the cherry red Mustang set against a day glo backdrop that he’d begged his mom for—with no rhyme or reason.

After filling out the date and time on the front of the first bag, and then scrawling his signature, he broke the seal and pulled out the contents.

He took his time, flipping through every page of every notebook, and he came away with nothing but a refresher on the quadratic equation and the symbolism found in Of Mice and Men. Well, maybe nothing.

Sonny flipped back through the Earth Science notebook. Up until a few weeks ago, Denia had taken thorough notes, with occasional doodles in the margins—hearts and flowers and other random items that seemingly had no meaning—but then the notes became more sparse, the doodles disappearing.   

He checked the other notebooks and noticed the same pattern. It wasn’t new evidence, if anything it just served to confirm the timeline they already knew, but it twisted something inside of Sonny, making his stomach hurt. This girl was just trying to go to school, to play volleyball, and spend time with her friends, just trying to grow up so she could go out and make her mark on the world, and now she never would.

He was resealing the final bag when Rollins and Fin returned with Alvin. He wasn’t handcuffed, but Fin had a good grip on his elbow as he steered him in the direction of the interrogation room.

“Detective Carisi!” Alvin called out when he caught sight of Sonny, his eyes wide. “Tell them this is a mistake. I told you, I—”

“It’s just a few more questions, Alvin,” Sonny told him calmly as Fin continued to pull him toward the hallway.

* * *

Rafael found Sonny in Olivia’s office, standing in front of the two way mirror, observing the interrogation happening on the other side of the glass.

“Hey,” Sonny offered him a soft smile, brushing his hand quickly with his own. It was absolutely not a secret that they were together—Rollins had hung their Save the Date on the cork board in the break room as soon as she’d received it—but they still tried to keep it professional at work. They failed sometimes (they were only human after all), but for the most part they did okay.  

“Where’s Liv?” Rafael asked, glancing around the otherwise empty office.

“Compstat,” Sonny explained, turning his eyes back to the window. They hadn’t been going at Alvin long. Rollins or Fin must have called Rafael when they’d been on their way back.

Rafael offered a sympathetic cringe for his friend, knowing how brutal the compstat meetings could be, before turning his gaze to the interrogation taking place as well. He reached up, turning the speaker up just a bit.

“—thousandth time. I only go to my sister’s on Sundays.” Alvin was exasperated.

“Then why do we have surveillance footage of you on their block twice last week?” Fin asked.

“I live three blocks away!” He looked desperately at Rollins like she would see be the one to see reason. “I go by the bodega sometimes on my way home from the train.”

“There are three other bodegas between your apartment and the 6 train. You have to walk out of your way to go to the one by your sister’s apartment.” Rollins said, not offering him the salvation he’d been hoping for.

“They’re the only one with my Filtros,” Alvin answered with a shrug, like it should have been obvious.

“Tell us about your relationship with Denia,” Fin switched tracks. “You two were pretty close, right?”

Alvin shook his head emphatically, “No. Like I told Detective Carisi—”

Rafael reached over and turned down the speaker. “You’re all sure this is your guy?”

“No alibi, we got a witness who says he hung around a lot, when he says he didn’t, tape proves that he was in the area when he said he wasn’t, the mom made a comment when we asked if Denia would have gone to his place…” Sonny rattled off.

Rafael tilted his head at him. “What kind of comment?”

“Just emphatically said that she wouldn’t have gone over there, like there was some reason,” Sonny said, knowing that it sounded weak even as he tried to make it seem like a bigger deal than it was.

Instead of commenting on how little they had, Rafael just turned the speaker back up.

“How could you think I could do something like this?” Alvin was getting agitated now, his hand clenched into a fist on the table top. “To my own niece?”

“Look, Alvin,” Rollins leaned forward. “We have your DNA on her body. This would go a lot better for you if you just tell us what happened.”

Sonny and Rafael shared a glance. It was a lie. There had been nothing under her fingernails, but some black fibers, and the perp had used a condom. Of course, Alvin didn’t need to know that.

“That’s not possible,” Alvin stood, the metal chair screeching across the floor, and Fin was out of his seat just as quickly.

“Sit back down, or I’ll cuff you to the table.”

Alvin’s jaw worked as he debated whether or not to follow the order. Finally, he sank back into the chair, defeated. “I didn’t do this.” He shook his head. “I didn’t do this.”

Rafael flipped off the speaker. “This was a wasted trip.” Sonny wanted to argue, but found that he didn’t have anything to help his cause. “He’s a 25-year-old kid who works at a grocery store,” Rafael said when he noticed Sonny’s disappointed look. “It’s not like he has the means to flee. Take your time. Get it right.”

Sonny just nodded and Rafael stole a quick glance around before rising up and placing a soft kiss on his lips. It lasted longer than it should have, but he couldn’t help it. Sonny’s supple pink lips were his one true vice. He could give up scotch and red meat and even the occasional stress cigarette that no one—not even Sonny—knew about, but he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to survive if he was told he could never kiss Sonny again. “I’ll see you at home, okay?”

“Yeah, see you at home.” Sonny offered him the smallest of smiles and before Rafael was even gone from the room he’d turned the speaker back on, sharp blue eyes trained on the window.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for the sake of this fic, I'm burying my head in the sand and pretending last week's episode never happened. Join me in the land of denial, won't you?
> 
> Also, basically this entire chapter was me working my way to the smut at the end. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm really not. :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It was rare that Sonny woke up in a bad mood. Sure, things made him angry and frustrated and upset, just like anyone else, but usually he tried to start his day out positively. It drove Rafael nuts how often he woke up with a smile, but today his husband would have worn a self satisfied smirk at the sight of the scowl that was already etched into Sonny’s face. Would have, if he was there.

It was Saturday, when more often than not they woke lazily, making love in the late morning light before their empty stomachs drew them from the covers. They’d spend the day running errands, or seeing a new exhibit at the Met, or just returning to bed, spending the afternoon tangled up in one another, whatever they felt like doing. It was their day.

But not today. Today, Sonny found himself yet again waking up on a lumpy cot in the bunk room, decidedly alone.

Once Rafael had left the day before, Fin and Rollins had gone at Alvin for at least another hour before Fin tagged Sonny in, but by then it had been too late. Whatever trust Alvin had placed in Sonny was gone and no matter what tactic Sonny had tried, he couldn’t get anything from him. He’d only insisted over and over that he was innocent and begged to be allowed to go home.

Eventually they had no choice but to let him. As Rafael had pointed out, they didn’t have enough to hold him.

Afterward, Sonny had dragged Amanda back to the Merlos’ apartment building, convinced that if they could get Dylan to ID Alvin in a line up and make a formal statement, it would go a long way. The only problem had been that the only information they had to go on was that Dylan lived on the floor below the Merlos.

He and Amanda had knocked on every single door on that floor without any luck, and then he’d insisted they knock on every door on each of the three floors below that one, just in case they’d heard Dylan wrong.They still came away with nothing.

When they were finished, Amanda had left to relieve Jesse’s nanny, giving him one last pitying glance, one he pretended not to notice, before heading off down the sidewalk. He should have gone home, should have grabbed food and cuddled up with Rafael and tried to shut out the day, but he hadn’t.

Instead he’d gone back to the precinct, reviewing the security footage that Fin had already scoured because he had to _something_ and it never hurt to have a fresh pair of eyes take a look. He’d watched the footage until it blurred before his eyes and his back ached from hunching over his desk. Only then did he stumble into the crib, collapsing on a cot without even removing his suit jacket.

He sighed now, lamenting a Friday night he could have spent at home and all he had to show for his stubbornness was a knot in the center of his back and probably an annoyed husband.  

He showered, cranking the hot water to an ungodly temperature, to relieve the former, and sent an apology text to hopefully appease the latter.  After shaving, and brushing his teeth he felt better, and as he pulled on his suit—the last clean one in his locker—he felt ready to face the day.

The squad room was nearly empty as he passed through it, grabbing his coat off of the back of his chair. He found a black beanie in his pocket and shoved it on, his mother’s warning to never go out in the cold with wet hair ringing in his ears.

Rollins had taken their Interceptor home the night before, so Sonny stopped at the Sergeant’s desk downstairs to check out a car from the motorpool. SVU had upgraded to the sleek black SUVs with all the bells and whistles months ago, but today it looked like he’d be back in a beat up Crown Vic. He didn’t mind. He loved the older cars.

It took a few minutes to get the heat going in the old car, but before long he was nice and toasty, making his way up to East Harlem. He thought about calling Rafael, but he hadn’t responded to his text, so he was either still sleeping (not likely) or still pissed (more likely) and he decided not to push it right now, not when there wasn’t much he could do about it.

His plan had been to knock on all the doors that no one had answered the night before, hoping to find Dylan, but for once luck was on his side. Sonny spotted him as he pulled the car to the curb, The kid was standing in the same spot at the bottom of the steps where he’d been standing the other night.

He was wearing the same bulky black coat and still didn’t have anything on to protect his ears from the cold. Rollins had complained half the car ride back to the station the other night that his ears were going to fall off and Sonny was half tempted to offer up his beanie.

“You must not be very good if they stuck you with that old piece of shit,” Dylan commented as Sonny climbed from the car.

He found himself thinking that today’s youth had no respect for history, and wondered when he’d become that guy. “Or, I’m so good that they know I don’t need a fancy new car to help me.” Sonny leaned against the cement column opposite the one Dylan was posted up against and felt a sense of triumph when Dylan fought a smile. “I was looking for you last night.”

Dylan shrugged. “Wasn’t here.”

“I noticed. We were hoping you could help us out.” Sonny stuck his hands in his pockets, the biting cold getting to him after only a few moments outside of the car.

“More than I already have?” Dylan shook his head, his ears red. “You want me to do your job for you?”

“I was just hoping that you could tell me if you saw Alvin, Denia’s uncle, around the building on Tuesday?”

“That’s the day she was killed, right?” Dylan took a minute, tilting his head back and forth as if the motion would physically shake the information loose from his brain. “Yeah, think I saw him.”

Sonny stood up straight now. “What time?”

Another shrug. “I dunno. About 3:30 maybe? Kids were starting to get home from school.”

“Did you see him with Denia?”

Dylan shook his head. Sonny supposed it was better than another shrug. “Nah, but she was home already when he went up. Came back out about half an hour later.”

“What about later that night? About eight o’clock.”

“Dunno. Wasn’t out here.”

It wasn’t perfect, but it put Alvin with Denia the day of the murder when he said he hadn’t been. “Hey, Dylan, you’ve been a lot of help. I was wondering if you could maybe come down to the station and sign an official statement? Maybe ID Alvin in a lineup?”

He looked hesitant. “I don’t know, man. Will I have to testify or whatever?”

“Maybe, if it comes to that,” Sonny hedged. “But for now, why don’t we just start with the statement and the lineup? We can worry about the rest later.”

“Yeah, okay,” he agreed. “If you think it will help.”

“It will,” Sonny promised. “Do we need to let your parents know you’re leaving?”

“Nah, they don’t ever notice when I’m gone.”

Sonny felt bad for him. He was 18, technically an adult, but was still so young. Definitely young enough that he still needed parents who cared. “Ok, then.” He started to lead him toward the car. “We’ll grab you a hot meal when we’re at the station. As a thanks.”

“Detective Carisi!” A frantic voice called and Sonny turned to see Valeria Merlo rushing from the building, shoving her arms into the sleeves of her coat.

“I’ll be right there, Dylan.” Sonny bounded up the stairs to meet Valeria halfway.

“I’m sorry, Detective Carisi. I spotted you out the window and—” Valeria panted, her breath coming out in puffs.

“It’s fine.” Sonny put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Just catch your breath. Is something wrong?”

“It’s Denia’s necklace. It wasn’t—It wasn’t in the things we received. It’s a gold cross that belonged to my grandmother. Did you find it?” Valeria looked up at him desperately, like her very sanity hinged on him having the necklace.

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “It wasn’t logged into evidence. But I’ll double check with the ME and the Crime Scene Unit,” he rushed to add when it looked like she was going to burst into tears. “I’ll find it.” He stopped short of promising even though he wanted to say all that he could to comfort this poor woman.

“Okay. Okay,” she nodded. “Thank you, Detective Carisi.”

“Of course. Call me anytime if you need anything, okay?”

“Yes, I will. Thank you,” she repeated before turning and going back inside the building, her shoulders sagging.

Sonny watched through the door until she disappeared up the staircase, his heart heavy.

“She’s really sad, huh?” Dylan asked, waiting by the passenger door of the Crown Vic.

“Yeah.” Sonny pulled open the driver’s door. “She is.”

On the way to the precinct he called Fin, who gave him shit about interrupting his plan of playing video games all day, but ultimately he agreed to pick up Alvin from the grocery store where he worked and bring him in for the line up. Next he called Rafael, and honestly, his call with Fin had been less formal, but he agreed to come in as well. Sonny sighed, gripping the steering wheel. He’d work things out with Rafael later, but at least they were getting somewhere with the case.

* * *

“Number four,” Dylan said confidently, staring through the glass at Alvin Flores and the six plainclothes cops that Sonny had managed to wrangle from downstairs.

“You’re sure?” Sonny asked as a formality.

“Definitely.”

“And where do you know this man from?” Rafael asked, tone flat. He was in what Sonny referred to as his weekend uniform—charcoal slacks, navy polo, and a blazer—and he was none too pleased to be there. He’d made it known to Sonny that it was a pointless gesture, and Sonny had a feeling that the gold bands on their hands were the only reasons Rafael was standing there right then.

Not that he’d shown any affection toward him. He’d been all ADA since he walked in the door, but he’d carried a garment bag with a suit inside for Sonny—”I figured you were about out of clean ones here.”—so Sonny took that as a good sign that he wasn’t still annoyed with him.      

“He’s Denia’s uncle,” Dylan said to Rafael like it was obvious. “He’s the one hanging around all the time. Saw him the day she was killed.”

“Great, thank you.” It was clearly a dismissal, but Dylan remained.

“Hey, Dylan, why don’t you have a seat at my desk?” Sonny held an arm out in the direction of the bullpen. “I have to talk to the counselor about something and then I’ll take you home, okay?”

“Sure,” Dylan shrugged and left the two of them alone in the small room.

“You’ve dragged this guy in here three times now, put him through a line up and he still hasn’t asked for a lawyer?” Rafael asked immediately.

“Nope,” Sonny ran a hand through his hair, which had been unsalvageable after drying under his beanie. He didn’t even want to think about what it looked like right now.

Rafael tracked Sonny’s hand with his eyes, but shook his head. “I still don’t see it. I know we don’t always, but this doesn’t seem like the guy to me.”

“So we should just let a rapist and murderer go because you’re not getting a vibe?”

Rafael sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, a sure sign that he was aggravated. “No, you should let a suspect go because you still don’t have enough evidence to arrest him.”

“Seriously, Raf?” Sonny crossed his arms. “We have Dylan’s signed statement and his ID in a formal line up stating that he was at the apartment the day Denia was killed. You can get a jury to draw the line from that to the murder.”

“You oughta be nice and limber after that stretch.” Rafael gave him a disappointed look. “You _know_ that’s not enough. It wouldn’t even get to a jury. Any second rate hack of a defense attorney would get this tossed in half a second.”

“I don’t get why you’re fighting me so hard on this every step of the way.”

“Because you’re being an idiot!” Rafael exclaimed. “You are one of the smartest people I know and you’re acting like some rookie straight out of the fucking academy who doesn’t know dick about anything.”

“Wow, don’t hold back at all,” Sonny scoffed. “If this about me not coming home—”

“It’s not! It’s about you being so desperate to solve this case that you’re grasping at straws and trying to force a prosecution of someone that, frankly, I don’t even think is guilty. And last I checked, it was up to me, not you, whether or not charges are brought against someone.”

“Trust me, I know you’re the one with all the power here.” It was low and forceful, Sonny’s blue eyes turned to steel.

The double meaning in his words were like a slap across Rafael’s face. He didn’t know how they’d gotten here. Two weeks ago they’d been standing at the altar, exchanging vows in front of family and friends and now here they were sniping at each other in the middle of the precinct. He knew part of the problem, the part that was easily solved anyway.

“Will you come home for lunch today?”

It came out of nowhere and Sonny was left confused. “What?”

“We haven’t had sex since the honeymoon,” he lowered his voice, “so I’d like you to come home and fuck me when you get a break today.”

“Jesus, Raf,” Sonny swallowed, looking over his shoulder at the bullpen. Fin was at his desk, engrossed in something on his computer and Dylan was tossing Sonny’s pens into his mug, a homemade version of a carnival game. Neither of them, nor any of the uniforms, seemed to be paying them any attention, but he blushed all the same.

Rafael smirked triumphantly at the color on his cheeks. “Well?”

“Uh, yeah, okay.”

Rafael squeezed his hand on his way toward the door. “Good. I’ll see you at home then.”

* * *

Sonny rushed into their apartment, kicking off his shoes and dropping his coat by the door. “Raf, you better already be naked because I only have half an hour.” His suit jacket came off next and he was tugging on his tie when a decidedly unnaked Rafael, save for his bare feet, stepped out of the kitchen.

“So, uh, my mother’s here,” he informed Sonny,  just a little too late.

“Shit!” Sonny hissed, hand frozen on his tie. “Did she hear me?”

“Yes,” Lucia’s amused tone called out from the kitchen, “she did.”

Sonny’s face turned pink and Rafael bit back a laugh at his mortified expression. “It’s not funny,” he whispered. “You could have warned me.”

“She just showed up a few minutes ago. I texted you.”

Sonny frowned, pulling out his phone with the sole intent of proving his husband a liar, but Rafael could tell by his expression that the text was there.

A smirk slid across his face and he crossed his arms. “It’s not my fault you’re so eager to get in my pants that you don’t check your phone.”

“Well, can you blame me after what you said at the precinct?” Sonny hissed.

Lucia stepped tentatively out of the kitchen and Sonny stood up straight, wishing that sheer will alone could get rid of the flush on his cheeks.

“Lucia, it’s good to see you.” He decided to pretend that everything was absolutely normal and he got an amused smile from Rafael for his efforts.

“You too, dear. I just stopped by to see if Rafi wanted to go to lunch, but it seems the two of you have plans.”

Rafael snickered at that and Sonny wanted to kill him. “Oh, it’s fine. I have to go back to work soon anyway. You two can go eat.”

“Another time.” Lucia leaned in to kiss Rafael on the cheek. “Call me this week, mijo. You owe me a meal.”

“I will,” Rafael promised.

Lucia stopped in front of Sonny, putting a hand to his cheek. “Try to get some rest, love, you’re looking awfully tired.”

“Oh, uh, I will. I promise,” Sonny stammered.

The second the door closed behind her Rafael burst into laughter, a loud, full body laugh that so rarely came from him, but Sonny couldn’t find it in himself to enjoy it the way he normally did. “I’m going to fucking strangle you.”

“Promise?” Rafael asked, sobering up immediately, something dark in his eyes.

“Oh, no.” Sonny shook his head. “The mood is officially killed.”

Rafael stepped toward him, putting his hands on Sonny’s hips and pressing up against him. “You know, I would buy that if you hadn’t fucked me in your twin bed the last time we stayed at your parents’ house. And they were in the next room.”

Sonny’s eyes widened at the memory. He supposed Rafael had a point.

“But,” Rafael took a step back and an honest to God whimper escaped Sonny’s throat, “if you don’t want to. We won’t.”

Sonny’s eyes darkened as he reached out to pull Rafael back against him. “It has to be quick. I only have twenty minutes now.”

“Fine by me.” Rafael shoved him back against the wall with such force that the frame that hung there fell to the floor, cracking in one of the corners. Rafael couldn’t care less. The photo was a print and the frame was a flea market find. All replaceable. The man in front of him, already hard against him, was not.

He rose up, drinking hungry kisses from Sonny’s lips and licking into his mouth, finishing the job of pulling off his tie before making quick work of the buttons on his shirt. He shoved the fabric from his shoulders, running blunt nails lightly over his chest and torso. Sonny shivered at the feeling of his hands on his skin and it went straight to Rafael’s cock.

Rafael wanted to take his time, to touch and taste every inch of pale white silk, but time was something he didn’t have, so he rushed to undo Sonny’s belt and then the button and zipper of his pants, shoving them along with Sonny’s briefs down past his thighs. Sonny ungracefully kicked out of them once they fell past his knees and Rafael found it unbelievably arousing to have Sonny standing there in their entryway, wearing nothing but a pair of black socks.

His cock, thick and already dripping with precome, bobbed invitingly and Rafael reached out, wrapping his hand around it. Sonny sucked in a breath and dropped his head to Rafael’s shoulder, turning to mouth wetly at his neck as Rafael pumped him. “Let’s go to the bedroom. I wanna fuck you.”

“No,” Rafael stepped back, pulling a small bottle of lube from the pocket of his trousers and tossing it to Sonny. “Right here.”

“Fuck, Raf. Really?” Sonny’s eyes dilated to the point where Rafael could no longer see blue.

“Yes, you’re in a hurry right?” Rafael pulled his polo up over his head before dropping his pants and boxer briefs to the floor and kicking them off. “Come on.” He took the two steps into the living room and bent over the back of the couch, looking at Sonny expectantly over his shoulder. “Well?”

Sonny’s cock ached at the sight and he scrambled over to him, flipping the cap open on the bottle still in his hand and coating his fingers before setting it down on the back of the couch. He wanted to taste Rafael, to work him open slowly with the flat of his tongue the way he liked it, but he knew that wasn’t what this was about, so he slipped one slick finger into Rafael’s exposed hole, enjoying the noise that escaped from his throat.

“Jesus,” Sonny breathed out, working in a second finger and imagining that tight heat wrapped around his prick. He scissored his fingers, working Rafael open and he finally saw enough through the cloud of desire to notice. “Did you prep?”

“Yes,” Rafael huffed as Sonny continued to work his fingers. “I knew, fuck, I knew we’d have to be fast.”

The thought of Rafael fingering himself, working his muscles loose in preparation for Sonny to come home had his cock throbbing and he couldn’t wait any longer. He removed his fingers, earning a whine from Rafael and picked up the bottle of lube again, coating his cock. “You ready?”

“Yes, c’mon Sonny, fuck me,” Rafael growled, a small wiggle to his hips as if Sonny needed any enticement.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Sonny intoned as he slid inside Rafael, his body tight like a vice around him. He took it as a sign to continue when Rafael pressed back against him, spearing himself even further onto Sonny, and he began to work his hips, slowly at first, but picking up speed when he got a gravelly, “Fuck, Sonny, come on, faster,” from Rafael.

“Jesus, Raf, you feel so fucking good.” Sonny gripped his hip with one hand and used the other to run a firm, flat palm up and down Rafael's spine.

Rafael keened into the plush cushions with every thrust, his hands gripping the back of the couch so hard his knuckles were white. “Right there, right there,” he praised when Sonny angled just so. “Yes, Sonny, god, right there. Don’t stop.”

Sonny had enough synapses firing to know he’d rather die than stop fucking Rafael in that moment. As if to convey that to Rafael he picked up his pace even more to the point that the couch scraped back and forth across the floor with every jerk of his hips.

Knowing he was close he moved his hand from Rafael’s hip to his cock, gripping the swollen flesh and using his precome to slick the way as he jerked him roughly. A breathy whine escaped Rafael’s throat at the contact and Sonny tightened his grip. “Yeah?” Sonny panted. “That what you like?”

“Yes,” Rafael moaned as Sonny twisted his wrist, swiping his thumb over the head of his prick. “Fuck, yes, Sonny, yes.”

Sonny felt him go rigid and it wasn’t long before spurts of warm come were coating his hand and fingers. He had the presence of mind to try to capture it all, protecting the couch, even as Rafael clenched around him and made him see stars. “God, Raf, you’re killin’ me.” It only took a few more rough pumps of his hips and then Sonny was burying himself as deep inside Rafael as he could go, staying there as his cock pulsed, filling Rafael’s body with his come.

“Jesus Christ,” Sonny blasphemed, dropping his forehead to Rafael’s back, trying to catch his breath as they both came down.

“I concur,” Rafael mumbled into the cushions, sounding just as wrecked as Sonny felt.

Finally, he placed a quick kiss on Rafael’s spine before rising up, letting his cock slip from Rafael and enjoying the sight of his milky white release pouring out of him as he did so. “Can we argue at work more often?”

A few minutes later, after a quick clean up, Rafael was tying Sonny’s tie for him, an act that Sonny found just as sensual as the one they’d just performed, when his hands paused on the knot. “We’ll talk about the rest later, okay?” He looked up into Sonny’s eyes. “I don’t want you to think that I’m just trying to fuck it all away.”

“I maybe wouldn’t mind that.” Sonny grinned, but Rafael’s expression stayed serious.

“I mean it. Tonight, when you get home.”

“Yeah, okay,” Sonny nodded. “But it’s really not anything. I was just pissed and—”

“Tonight,” Rafael repeated. He wasn’t going to let Sonny continue to invalidate his feelings on his behalf, but now wasn’t the time. Sonny was already supposed to have been on his way back to work.

“Okay,” Sonny agreed, finding his coat and putting it on. Rafael buttoned it for him, like he was a little kid on his way to school, but Sonny found it endearing. He liked that Rafael liked to take care of him.

Rafael finished the last button and placed a soft kiss on his lips. “Be safe. I love you.”

“I love you, too. And I always am.” Sonny tossed him a wink before disappearing out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to AHumanFemale and ships_to_sail for helping a non-kid person with the Jesse scene, and to Robin Hood for being my go to for all things Catholicism. <3
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy!

Sonny stayed at work longer than he needed to. It was the weekend, no one was around, and there wasn’t much more that could be done on the Merlo case, at least nothing that couldn’t wait until Monday, but he still took his time, filling out paperwork that had long sat untouched, organizing his desk and even finding a container of Lysol wipes that he used to wipe it down so that it was shining.

Deciding that he’d put it off as long as he could, he shrugged on his coat, and headed for the door. He dropped the keys to the Crown Vic with the desk sergeant and trudged his way toward the subway to buy more time.

He felt guilty and ashamed for not wanting to go home, especially when he hadn’t been there much the last few days, but the conversation that was waiting there was one he’d rather not have, at least not tonight. They’d just gotten married, were quite literally in the honeymoon phase, and why did Rafael have to ruin it?

He supposed he only had himself to blame, Sonny thought as he swiped his MetroCard and walked down the platform. When they’d first started dating it had been like pulling teeth to get Rafael to talk about anything that really mattered, but then stupid Sonny had to go and make him understand the importance of communicating in a relationship.

Should have just let him stay an emotional robot, he thought, stepping onto the train when it arrived, squeezing his thin frame in past a gaggle of tourists who didn’t get the concept of moving fully into the car.

It almost felt good to be crammed in among the masses. He drove all the time for work and Rafael refused to take the subway—something Sonny gave him a lot of shit for considering he was a born and bred New Yorker—so it was kind of a nice change of pace. But it wasn’t long before he reached his stop and the inevitable.

He found Rafael in the living room, kicked back in the brown leather recliner that had been Sonny’s biggest contribution to their home (Rafael had fought it tooth and nail, but had sat in it once and suddenly it became his chair), his laptop on his thighs and a legal pad resting on the arm of the chair.

He smiled up at Sonny when he walked in, continuing to type until he finished the sentence he was working on. “Hey, how’d the rest of the day go?”

Sonny shrugged a shoulder, loosening the tie at his neck. “Don’t have anything more than we did this morning.”

“I’m sorry.” Rafael closed his laptop and sat it, along with the notepad, on the end table at his elbow before using the lever on the side of the recliner to lower the footrest.

“How was your day?” Sonny asked and hated that they sounded like two strangers instead of men who knew the most intimate of details about one another.

“Well,” an amused smile crossed Rafael’s face. “I dropped off the laundry, bought a few groceries, and then spent the remainder of the afternoon googling how to get come out of a couch.”

“Oh shit,” Sonny laughed and felt some of the tension drop from the room as he spared a glance at the back of the couch. “I thought I caught it all.”

“It’s fine,” Rafael shrugged. “I managed to save it, but even if we had to throw it out it would have been worth it.” A far away look crossed his face, as if he was reliving their exploits from that afternoon. “Yes, definitely worth it.”

Sonny chuckled again. “Anytime you want a repeat performance, just let me know.”

A silence fell between them and the smile dropped from Rafael’s face, as if he’d just remembered what he’d promised for this evening. He leaned forward in the chair. “We need to talk about the other thing that happened today.”

He wanted to try to blow it off, to tell Rafael that there wasn’t anything to talk about, but Sonny knew he wouldn’t let it go. That didn’t mean that he couldn’t stall some more.

“Actually, do you mind if I—” Sonny gestured to his suit and Rafael nodded.

“Oh. Yeah. Of course, go ahead. Do you want me to order some food? You’re probably starving.”

Sonny couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten, or if he’d even that day, but the weight that had settled into his stomach like a rock prevented him from having much of an appetite. “Only if you want something. I’m not really hungry.”

“I’m fine, so I guess I just won’t order anything.”

Sonny went into the bedroom, unclipping his badge and leaving it on the dresser along with his wallet before moving into the closet to lock his gun in the safe, another contribution of his to their apartment. He put on a pair of black sweatpants and found his softest t-shirt, the Pearl Jam one he’d bought as a teenager when he’d snuck out of the house to go see them. It was a wonder it hadn’t disintegrated by this point, but it was still holding on strong.

As Sonny returned to the living room, he hesitated. Rafael was still wearing his slacks and polo from earlier in the day and Sonny wondered if that put him at an disadvantage here. Maybe he should have put something else on. Finally, shaking his head, he told himself he was being ridiculous and took the final few steps into the room.

Rafael sat his phone to the side silently as Sonny took a seat on the couch, back straight and feet on the floor, the opposite of the sprawl he usually fell into after a long day.

“I wish you’d stop acting like you’ve been sent to the principal’s office,” Rafael griped. “I just want to figure out what’s going on here.”

“I told you, I was just mad and—”

“Please don’t do that.” Sonny was struck by the softness in it and he stopped talking. “You’re not only insulting me by implying that I can’t tell when something is wrong with you, but you’re also lying to me. And I don’t know why.”

“Because there’s nothing that can be done about it anyway, so what’s the point?”

“Nothing to be done about it? If I have you thinking that you have no power in this relationship then that’s something I fully intend to fix.”

“It’s not that.”

Sonny knew that Rafael liked to pretend he was in charge of things, but that he’d do anything Sonny asked of him. They made decisions together (Sonny was quicker to compromise, but that was just his inherent nature to people please combined with his desire to make Rafael happy), and took turns picking movies since they had very little overlap in tastes. Rafael watched Sonny’s bad TV shows with him, pretending to work, not realizing that Sonny noticed when he became engrossed in what was happening on screen, and Sonny attended the opera even though he’d rather have an ice pick in his ear. No, at home, within their relationship, there was a balance of power, an easy back and forth borne out of love and respect. Work was another story.

“Then what is it?” Rafael leaned forward, putting a hand on Sonny’s knee.

"It’s stupid,” Sonny looked at his hands where they twisted in his lap and continued when Rafael remained silent, waiting. “It’s just that, in order for you to be successful, I have to not be.”

“Considering I can’t even do my job unless you’re successful at yours, I don’t think that’s true.” Sonny huffed a sigh and gave Rafael a look. He was the one who insisted on talking about this and now he was being glib. Rafael put up his hands. “I’m sorry. You’re right. If this is about the Merlo case, I told you I would recuse myself and let you step up.”

“It’s not just this case. It’s all of them. Liv won’t make me lead, I can’t investigate on my own, I can’t testify. I’m just there for all the work and none of the recognition.” A disgusted look took over his face. “Which sounds completely shitty and selfish because I’m still helping people and that should be enough.”

“It’s okay to want to be seen for the work that you do.” Rafael, who dressed in bright colors and patterns and enjoyed smarting off to defense attorneys and reporters alike, understood wanting attention to go along with his good deeds. “And if it’s any consolation, I know how hard you work and so does Liv.”

“Thanks, but I don’t really think 1PP will care that my husband thinks I’m great when I put in for Sergeant.”

Rafael knew he was right. The exam, which he had no doubts that Sonny would pass with flying colors, was only part of the process. That would only get him consideration for a promotion and barely having taken lead on investigations would certainly be a factor. “So, that’s what you want then? To move up within the NYPD?”

“I don’t know,” Sonny answered honestly.

“Because if you do. I can step away from SVU, work a different unit.” Rafael tilted his head, looking at him lovingly. “Give you the chance to be as great as I know you are.”

“See, that’s why I didn’t say anything. I knew you’d do that and then I’m the jerk who took our best prosecutor away from the victims who need him most.” He appreciated that Rafael’s expression stayed neutral, that he didn’t preen at the compliment. “And I love working with you. I would hate not getting to see you all the time.”

“We do live together, and, when you decide to come home, share a bed.” Rafael smiled now. “You’d still see me.”

“I know, but it wouldn’t be the same.”

They were both quiet for a moment and then finally Rafael spoke. “So, I think you need to decide what you want. Do you want to stay at the NYPD and grow your career as a police officer or do you want to become a lawyer? Once you decide we can go from there.”

“And what if I just want to stay a detective, put in my time, and then retire?” Sonny asked because honestly at the moment that seemed the most appealing. No pressure. No competing with Rafael over who got to be the one to succeed. “Would that be okay?”

Rafael’s eyes turned sad. “You don’t want that. Trust me.”

“You’re not stuck, Raf.” Sonny read him easily. Rafael didn’t talk much about his lack of upward mobility at the DA’s office, only when he was especially pissed or especially drunk, but Sonny knew that it was something that ate at him.

“This isn’t about me.” Rafael shook his head. “This is about what we can do to get you to where you’re happy.”

“That’s what you think? That I’m not happy?”

“I mean, isn’t that where all this started?”

Now it was Sonny’s turn to shake his head. “I just married the man of my dreams, my family is great, I have a job where I help people. A little bruised ego doesn’t diminish any of that.” Deciding that this wasn’t actually going to turn into an argument, Sonny stood and moved so that he was settled in Barba’s lap, arms draped around Rafael’s shoulders. 

“Your ass is so bony,” Rafael complained without any bite, shifting in the recliner so that he was a bit more comfortable.

Sonny just rolled his eyes. “You love my bony ass.” He kissed Rafael’s cheek, speaking low and forcefully, “And I love you. And I’m so happy with our life together.”

“I love you,too.” Rafael turned his head, seeking Sonny’s lips with his own and finding them ready and waiting. “I can’t help, but feel like we didn’t solve anything,” he said once they pulled apart.

“That’s okay.” Sonny rested his forehead against Rafael’s temple.

“I just don’t want you to resent me.”

“I could never,” Sonny assured him, but Rafael wasn’t so sure. He was trying to decide whether or not to say so when Sonny’s stomach growled.

“See, I _knew_ you had to be hungry. Come on, let’s order pizza.” Sonny had a sophisticated palate and had introduced Rafael to a lot of new foods, but he knew that the true way to the detective’s heart was good ol’ pizza.

“I guess I could eat,” Sonny said, grabbing Rafael’s laptop off of the end table so that they could place the order, and even though they hadn’t actually resolved the issue, he did feel better.

* * *

Early the next morning, while Rafael was still sleeping, Sonny slipped from the bed and into the bathroom, taking a quick shower before dressing in a dark pair of slacks, a white button down, and a muted gray tie. His mother wouldn’t be in the pew next to him to chastise him for wearing jeans, but he thought maybe she’d feel it somehow, all the way from Staten Island, so it was best for him to err on the side of caution.

The Church of St Paul the Apostle wasn’t quite the same as the Church of St. Thomas back home in Prince’s Bay, but it wasn’t far from their apartment and worked on the Sunday mornings when he just couldn’t bring himself to make the trek out to Staten Island.

He settled into a pew near the back, a habit he’d gotten into after having been called in by Liv on more than one occasion in the middle of Mass, and a he was suddenly struck with a memory from the day before. Denia’s cross necklace. With everything else that had happened he’d completely forgotten about his run in with Valeria.

Sonny spent the entire service anxious, standing, kneeling, and reciting prayers out of muscle memory more than anything, his mind elsewhere. Finally, when it ended, he bolted from the church and out onto the sidewalk. He was too impatient to deal with the obnoxiously difficult undertaking of using public transit to get across the park and up to East Harlem so he hailed a cab.

He bounced his knee anxiously as the driver maneuvered through traffic. He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten about the necklace. If the perp had taken it that would be their proof, and if he hadn’t, then at least it could bring Denia’s family some peace if Sonny could find it.

The driver finally pulled to a stop and Sonny tapped at the pay screen quickly, waiting impatiently as the machine read the chip in his debit card. Finally finished, he thanked the driver and stepped out into the winter chill.

Crime scene tape still covered the entry to the space under the stairs where Denia’s body had been found and he carefully removed one side so that he could place it back when he was finished. Using the flashlight on his phone, he swept it back and forth over every inch of the space, praying silently as he did so.

It was almost as if he needed this as much as Valeria did.

He was about to give up when the light bounced off of something. Quickly moving the phone back in that direction he found it, a delicate gold chain wedged in a crack in the concrete. He sent up a quick prayer of thanks and stepped back out from under the stairs, turning the flashlight off and pulling up his contact for Rollins.

“Hey, Amanda, sorry to interrupt your morning, but can you please come up to the Merlo crime scene? Yes, now. Yes, it’s important. I wouldn’t be calling you if it wasn’t. I’ll buy you…” He checked his watch for the time. “Breakfast. Fine, brunch,” he amended, not really sure there was much difference in the cuisines, but whatever would make her happy. “Oh, and bring an evidence bag, please. Thank you.”

Sonny found a Dunkin Donuts a couple of blocks away so he could get out the cold while he waited and get his first bit of caffeine for the day. He sent Amanda a text to let her know to meet him there instead and afterwards sent one to Rafael since he was expecting him home after Mass. _Amanda might have a break in the case. Gonna meet up with her to see what it is then might grab breakfast. Not sure when I’ll be home._

He felt a little guilty when Rafael immediately responded. _I hope it’s what we need to close this. Good luck._

Sonny had just finished off his coffee when Amanda walked in, Jesse’s hand in her own. “I hope you don’t think you can buy me a donut and call it brunch.”

“Hey, Jesse!” Sonny greeted the little blonde and then, in a lower tone for Amanda, questioned, “You brought your kid to a crime scene?”

“It’s not like the body is still there,” she whispered. “And you called me on a Sunday morning and asked me to come immediately. What was I supposed to do? Hand her the Times and hope the crossword kept her busy until I got back?”

Sonny supposed she was right and there wasn’t much they could do about it now. After buying a hot chocolate for Jesse, the three of them walked the two blocks to the crime scene, Sonny carrying Jesse at her insistence.

“So what are we doing here?” Amanda asked when they were standing outside the crime scene tape.

“Mrs. Merlo told me Denia was missing a necklace, so I came up to look for it and it’s there, Amanda. In a little crack just to the left of the door.”

“And you called me up here just to bring an evidence bag?” She was annoyed and he didn’t blame her.

“No,” he paused and looked at Jesse, like doing this in front of a kid made it worse, but she just looked at him curiously as she sipped her hot chocolate. “I need you to take the pictures of it on your phone, sign the bag, and say you found it. Or that we did together.”

Amanda didn’t have to ask why. She knew the deal, but this time, if the necklace proved to be important evidence, she’d have to lie under oath. It was a lot to ask of her, he knew.

“It’s not like I planted it or anything,” he said when she just looked at him, and he realized it made him sound like he did actually plant it. “It’s barely a lie. I just pointed you in the right direction.”

It wasn’t that Amanda really had a problem with it, Lord knew she’d put herself in enough gray areas over the years, she was just surprised that Sonny was exploring the world outside of the black and white. Without a word she took down the tape and walked under the stairs.

The second Amanda disappeared under the stoop Jesse wiggled to get down so she could follow her mom, dropping the cup so that hot chocolate splashed all over Sonny’s shoes and pant legs. “Mommy…”

“Sorry, but you’re stuck with me,” Sonny fought to keep a grip on her and had the passing thought that he had an easier time subduing perps than wrangling one little toddler. Having her present at a crime scene was one thing, having her run free at a crime scene was another.

Tears started to well up in Jesse’s eyes and Sonny turned back and forth, desperate for a distraction. “Hey, look, look at the pretty birds.” He walked over to the fence that separated the property from the sidewalk, where three pigeons were pecking at a spilled open bag of garbage. It wasn’t a scene out of Disney, but it seemed to do the trick, Amanda long forgotten as Jesse clapped at the birds.

Luckily, Amanda found the necklace quickly with Sonny’s directions and, after taking photos, pulled the evidence bag from her pocket and sealed it up. She climbed back out, using one of the stairs to press on as she filled out the information on the front.

“Are you making my kid watch pigeons eat garbage?” She asked from behind him when she was finished.

He spun, a laugh on his lips. “Hey, it’s a rite of passage for every child who grows up in the city. Besides, she doesn’t judge them. She thinks they’re pretty.”

“Pretty bird,” Jesse repeated gleefully.

Amanda just shook her head, stuffing the bag back in her coat pocket. “I’ll drop this by the lab on my way home. You can owe me brunch.”

“You’re sure? We can still go,” he offered even as she took Jesse from him.

The little girl protested and Amanda ran a hand over her hair. “It’s okay, sweetie. Uncle Sonny has to go, but we’ll make plans with him soon.” She looked up at Sonny. “I know you’ve been sleeping at the precinct, go home and spend the rest of your weekend with your husband.”

Sonny gave her a grateful smile. “Thank you. For all of this.”

She just nodded and started to go, but then turned around. “That’s still weird, you know?”

“What?” he asked with a grin. “That I have a husband or that it’s Rafael?”

She thought a moment. “Both.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rollins brought Jesse to the crime scene?”
> 
> “Uh, yeah, it was just a real quick thing.” He pulled off his tie, working to fold it neatly so he could avoid looking at Rafael.
> 
> He could still feel the scrutinizing gaze on him, and Sonny knew better than to hope that it was because he was undressing.
> 
> He’d replaced his dress shirt with the hoodie and was pulling on his most comfortable pair of jeans by the time Rafael spoke. “And it was Rollins who found the necklace?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More domestic filler. :)

The apartment was quiet when Sonny returned, just as still as it had been when he’d left early that morning, and he wondered if Rafael had gone out. Maybe Lucia had already called in the meal that he owed her. He felt disappointed at the thought. 

He kicked off his shoes before hanging his coat in the closet by the door. “Raf?”

“In here!” Rafael’s voice called from the bedroom and Sonny smiled, happy he was home, and made his way down the hall.

He stopped in the doorway, leaning on the frame and his smile widened at the sight in front of him. The bed was made and Rafael was dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a hunter green sweater, propped up on the pillows, knees raised with a book resting on his thighs.

It was a rare sight, Rafael relaxed and reading for pleasure, but he’d wrapped up or handed off most of his cases before leaving for the honeymoon. The ones he did keep didn’t go to trial for weeks and the only active case he had on his plate at the moment was the Merlo murder, but given how the squad had yet to bring him anything of substance, he didn’t have much work that needed done at the moment.

“How’d it go with Rollins?” Rafael looked at him over his book.

“We found Denia’s missing necklace at the dump site.”

“Think it will lead anywhere?” he asked, even though this was the first he was hearing of any missing necklace. It hadn’t been noted in any of the case notes he’d read over.

Sonny shrugged, stepping into the room and over to the dresser, searching for something more comfortable to wear instead of his church clothes. “The cross is small, so I don’t know if we’ll get any prints, but maybe some touch DNA or something if we’re lucky.” He was trying not to be hopeful. The necklace had been out in the elements for days. It was probably just another dead end.

Rafael nodded, watching as Sonny pulled a soft, gray hoodie from the dresser drawer, but then his brow furrowed. “Did you step in a puddle?”

“What? Oh.” Sonny looked down at the brown stains that flecked his pant legs. “No. It’s hot chocolate. Jesse dropped hers and it splashed on me.”

“Rollins brought Jesse to the crime scene?”

“Uh, yeah, it was just a real quick thing.” He pulled off his tie, working to fold it neatly so he could avoid looking at Rafael.

He could still feel the scrutinizing gaze on him, and Sonny knew better than to hope that it was because he was undressing.

He’d replaced his dress shirt with the hoodie and was pulling on his most comfortable pair of jeans by the time Rafael spoke. “And it was Rollins who found the necklace?”

“Yep,” Sonny said lightly, zipping and buttoning his jeans. He flopped on the bed then and Rafael rolled his eyes as the mattress bounced.

“You’re a child.” He found his bookmark on the nightstand, fixing it into place before setting his book to the side.

Rafael’s lap now available, Sonny bent his body so that his head rested there, looking up at him with crystal blue eyes.

“How was Mass?” His hand went to Sonny’s hair, his fingers threading through the silky strands that were absent of product on his day off. He always asked, every Sunday, mostly out of obligation, but as of late he found himself truly interested.

Sonny shrugged the best he could from his position. “It was fine.”

Rafael nodded, his fingers continuing to play in Sonny’s hair, quiet a moment. “Do you...think it’s working?”

Sonny’s forehead creased. “Working? You mean saving my immortal soul?”

He huffed a laugh. He supposed that was the goal after all, but he hoped that Sonny was getting more from it than that. “You had another nightmare last night.” A particularly brutal one, Rafael assumed, given Sonny’s sweat soaked skin and the anguished cries that had come from his throat. It had taken more effort than usual to wake him.

The wrinkles in Sonny’s forehead deepened and the corners of his mouth dipped. It had been worse than before, Sonny forced to stand by, unable to move, as Alvin strangled Denia. He forced the image from his mind. “What does that have to do with Mass?”

“I just, I had hoped that it was giving you what you needed. That it would help you to not be so affected by these cases.”

“It does help. Some. But do you really want me to be the type of person who sees what we do every day and not bat an eye? Because I don’t want to be that person.”

“No,” Rafael shook his head, sighing. “That’s not it at all. I just worry about you. Maybe...maybe you should talk to someone.”

“I talk to you. I talk to Father Dillon.”

“I know, but maybe you should talk to someone who knows what they’re doing. Not that Father Dillon doesn’t,” he added when Sonny opened his mouth to argue. “Spiritually, I’m sure he’s got it down, but I think this may be more than that.”

“I’m fine, Raf. I swear,” Sonny took Rafael’s other hand his his, tracing the gold band on his ring finger with his thumb, a move that had become second nature already. “It’s just a couple bad dreams, that’s all. Kinda like the one where you show up to take the Bar exam naked.”

Rafael looked down at him a moment, green eyes searching playful blue. Sonny was deflecting, it was textbook, but he decided to go along with it. He’d talk about it when he was ready and in the meantime Rafael would keep an eye on him and would make sure that Liv did the same. “I never should have told you about that one.”

“Nah, it’s cute. Hell, if you would have actually shown up naked they would’ve just handed you your law license for being so damn hot.”

The eye roll was so great that Sonny thought that Rafael might sprain something. “If only it worked that way.”

“For you they’d make an exception.”

Rafael went to argue, but Sonny’s stomach growled, interrupting them. “I take it you and Rollins didn’t grab breakfast.”

“No. Amanda insisted that I come spend time with my husband.” Sonny grinned up at him and Rafael had the thought, not for the first time, that the dimples that formed in his cheeks should be illegal.

“I haven’t eaten either. Want to go grab something somewhere?”

Sonny turned his wrist so that he could see his watch, not letting go of Rafael’s hand. “Brunch crowd is probably picking up. Why don’t I make us something?”

Rafael wasn’t going to turn that down. “Sounds good.”

“Great,” Sonny popped up, placing a chaste peck on Rafael’s lips before sliding off the bed. “Stay, read your book,” he said when Rafael moved to get up as well. “I’ll bring it to you.”

“You’re going to deprive me of my favorite part?” Rafael complained. The aspect of Sonny’s cooking that Rafael enjoyed the most was watching him do it, which was saying something since everything he made was absolutely delicious. There was just something about watching those hands at work.

Sonny grinned, shaking his head. “Okay, fine.”

“I still think the only way this would be any better is if you did it naked.” Rafael said once he’d settled onto a stool at the island, watching as Sonny began pulling items out of the fridge.

“I’ll cook naked if you promise to love me even if I accidentally burn my dick off.” Sonny sat a carton of orange juice on the counter and pulled two glasses down from the cupboard.

“Jesus. What are you planning on doing? Hibachi?” Rafael pretended to think on it a moment. “Nope. A little peep show isn’t worth it.”

“That’s what I thought.” Sonny laughed, digging out a bottle of vodka that was about a quarter full after their New Year’s Eve party. “Now, first things first.”

Rafael watched as he poured a bit of vodka in each glass before adding orange juice. “Boozy brunch. My favorite.”

“I know.” Sonny sat one of the screwdrivers on the island in front of Rafael. “I wish we had champagne, but…”

“We’ll make do.” Rafael took a drink, appreciating Sonny’s heavy pour.

Sonny sipped from his own glass before getting to work, cracking some eggs into a bowl and whisking them along with some milk and herbs. It wasn’t fair, Rafael thought, for someone to be so gorgeous, smart, and good in the kitchen. He just thanked whatever supreme being that was in charge of such things that this particular someone had somehow fallen in love with him.

He watched as Sonny put a pan on the stove to heat before digging in the fridge, coming away with a bag of precut broccoli florets and some shredded cheese, adding them to his mixture before pouring the whole thing in the skillet. 

Sonny picked up his glass, leaning against the counter to wait for the eggs to cook. He took a drink before grinning over at him. “Enjoying your show?”

“Immensely. But you know I’ve always been a fan of a Sunday matinee.”

“Hey, I’m happy to perform for you weekly if it keeps me out of the theater.”

“Nice try.” Rafael raised an eyebrow at him. “But you’re not that good.”

“Worth a shot.” Sonny shrugged, removing the pan from the heat and covering it to let the eggs firm up. “Toast?”

“Sure.”

Sonny made quick work of pulling out some bread and putting it in the toaster and Rafael was suddenly struck with the memory of the first time he’d made him breakfast in this kitchen. It had taken a while. Rafael had told himself it was just sex for much longer than it actually had been, but that Saturday morning, when Sonny had insisted on making him breakfast, moving around his kitchen like he belonged there, he’d realized just how far gone he really was.

“Where’d you go?” Sonny asked, setting a plate down in front of him.

“Just thinking about the first time you made me breakfast,” Rafael said with a smile, picking up his fork.

“Oh, man,” Sonny groaned, grabbing his own plate and glass from the counter before settling in on the stool next to Rafael. “Burnt toast and runny scrambled eggs. I was so nervous that I botched the whole thing.”

“That’s not how I remember it at all.” Rafael brought a forkful of fritatta to his mouth, chewing. “It was the best breakfast I’d ever had.”

“I had just blown you, so that probably clouds your memory,” Sonny grinned at him.

Rafael huffed a sigh. “Look at you, ruining my romantic notions with your crudeness.” A pause. “But you’re probably not wrong.”

Sonny laughed, leaning in to kiss him soundly.  “I love you.” The wide grin lingered and he stayed leaned in close. 

“What a coincidence…” He brought a hand up to caress Sonny’s cheek, tilting his chin so that their lips met again. “I love you, too.”

* * *

 

Sonny took a deep breath before knocking on the Merlos’ door. He didn’t want to do this, but they were at a dead end and if they didn’t get something soon they may never be able to prove what happened to Denia. 

Valeria opened the door and Sonny couldn’t help but notice the way her face flashed with despair at the sight of him. He supposed he was only a reminder of what had happened to her daughter. “Detective Carisi.” It wasn’t a greeting so much as a statement of fact.

“I’m sorry to bother you, Mrs. Merlo, but I hoped we could go over a few things again.”

“Fine.” She held the door open for him and Sonny saw now that she was in a nightgown and robe. She looked about ten years older than she had when he’d first seen her less than a week ago, but losing a child could do that to a person.

“Is Mr. Merlo home?”

Valeria shook her head. “He’s at work. Today is his first day back since...I’m still not...I can’t— Would you like some coffee?”

“Sure, thank you,” he said more because he felt that she needed the distraction than out of a need for caffeine. She gestured for him to take a seat at the table and he did so while she went to work setting the pot to brew. “I do have a bit of good news for you. We found Denia’s necklace.”

Valeria’s gaze swung quickly from the coffee pot to Sonny, her eyes hopeful for the first time since they’d found Denia’s body. “Do you have it with you?”

“I’m afraid not.” His voice was gentle. “It’s being processed as evidence, but we’ll be able to return it to you once the case is over.”

She pulled out a chair and sat across from him while the coffee percolated. “Will it ever be? Over?”

He opened his mouth to answer, to assure her that it would be, but thought better of it. He took a moment to form a more diplomatic answer. “We’re doing our best to find out who did this. That’s why I’m here actually.”

“You think it was my brother. My Alvin.” Valeria shook her head in disbelief. “Maybe if you stopped harassing him, dragging him down to your police station, you’d have more time to find out who really did this.”

“I want to go through the last few weeks again,” Sonny sidestepped, but he couldn’t help but be glad to hear the anger in her tone. It meant that this hadn’t completely deadened her. “You’re sure there was no change in her behavior? Nothing that stood out to you?”

“No,” she was adamant. “Denia was always a quiet girl, a good girl. Even these last few weeks, she went to school, went to volleyball, did her homework.”

“But she’d quit the volleyball team. Was she still coming home later in the afternoon, like she’d been at practice?”

“I’m not sure. Her father and I don’t get home until evening. She got home first even when she went to practice.”

“What about nights when she would have had games?”

Valeria thought a moment, looking ashamed. “We meant to go to her games, but there’s not—there wasn’t always time, you know? We should have gone.” Her eyes glistened for a moment, but she took a deep breath, fighting them back. “The nights of her games she was gone, didn’t come home until later.”

“Do you have the schedule? Maybe we can track down where she was those nights instead.”

She stood, removing the schedule from the refrigerator where it was held in place by a magnet shaped like the Statue of Liberty. “From a class trip she took when she was just a little girl,” Valeria explained even though Sonny hadn’t questioned the magnet.

She placed the schedule on the table in front of him, but stayed standing, moving over to the coffee pot to pour them both mugsful now that it was done brewing.

“Thank you,” Sonny said when she’d placed his mug in front of him. He drank it black, unwilling to ask Valeria to get up from her seat again to get him some sugar. It was bitter, but he kept his face neutral as he sipped. “I know this is difficult, but we do need to talk about Alvin.”

“Why? He wouldn’t do this.”

“I know you think that, but people like this, they’re good at hiding it.”

“No.” She sat her mug down on the table with such force that coffee sloshed over the rim. “Alvin can’t keep a secret to save his life. There hasn’t been a Christmas where he hasn’t told me what my gift is ahead of time.”

“We have a witness who places him at your building on multiple occasions when you and Mr. Merlo weren’t home, when Alvin says he wasn’t here,” Sonny explained carefully.

“Who says that? That boy I saw you talking to?” Sonny remained quiet, unable to confirm the name of the witness, and Valeria had her answer. She scoffed. “That boy is trouble.”

“How so?”

“He just stands out there at all hours, smoking, not saying anything to anyone. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t go to school…” She said it in the same tone one would use to say he was robbing old ladies.

Sonny just let it go, shifting back to Alvin. “Did Denia act differently around your brother these last few weeks? When he came over for your Sunday dinners?”

“No,” Valeria said firmly, her aggravation showing through. “Everything was normal. They’ve never been that close, but they chatted just like always. They like some of the same music, singers I’ve never even heard of, so they talked about that some, but nothing was off.”

He asked a few more variations on the same question, but Valeria didn’t give him anything else, only growing more frustrated by the minute.

“I think that’s all for now.” He took out his phone, snapping a couple pictures of the volleyball schedule and leaving the hard copy on the table when he stood. He thanked her and apologized once again for the intrusion, reminding her to call if she needed anything.

He’d just hit the street, the icy wind biting at his cheeks, when his phone rang. “Hey, Amanda. What’s up?” He nodded at Dylan who was in his usual spot, leaning up against the cement column. Dylan blew a stream of smoke from his nostrils, giving the slightest nod in return.

“Where are you?”

“Just finishing up with Mrs. Merlo.” He told Rollins, stuffing his other hand in his pocket, ducking his head to the frigid breeze as he made his way up the block toward where he’d parked the Interceptor.

“Just heard from the lab,” she informed him. “They were able to pull a partial off of the necklace.”

Sonny stopped midstride. “What? Really?”

He could tell she was nodding even though he obviously couldn’t hear it. “Problem is, we don’t have anything to compare it to. Alvin was never formally arrested so we didn’t print him. Think Barba will get us a warrant for his prints?”

“Yeah, I’ll figure out something,” he assured her. “I got one more stop to make and then I’ll be back.”

“Anything you need me for?” Her subtle way of asking if she needed to play buffer again. “I can come meet you.”

“Nah, nothing like that. Just a quick errand.” He ended the call and stared at his phone for a moment, considered calling Rafael. Given the right judge they could probably get the warrant, but Rafael was so convinced that Alvin wasn’t their guy that Sonny wasn’t sure he’d even try.

No, he’d have to take care of this himself. Stuffing his phone back in his pocket he turned and made his way back up the street in the direction of Alvin’s apartment.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned/wrote half of this chapter before this week's episode aired. If I'd only known how in character it would actually end up being...
> 
> Thank you to those of you who continue to read this story. I'm still loving writing it so it means a lot that you care too.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“Carisi.” 

Sonny looked up from report he was filling out, his heart beginning to thud as he took in the Lieutenant’s less than pleased expression. He made eye contact with Rollins as he stood and she gave him a look that was somehow a mix of concern and ‘I told you so.’

Olivia waited until he was seated across from her, steepling her fingers as she fixed him with an even stare. “You’re aware that I’m copied on any reports that have to do with our cases? From TARU, the ME,” she paused, her eyes narrowing, “the lab.”

Sonny just nodded, deciding that it was better not to speak at the moment.

“Which means you knew I’d see that you dropped something off for fingerprint analysis.”

He nodded again. He had known. That was why he’d done it himself instead of asking Rollins to.

“I’ve been doing this a long time and I don’t believe that Alvin Flores just handed you a piece of his mail so that you could compare his prints to the one we have in evidence.” Sonny finally opened his mouth to speak, but Olivia held up her hand. “Don’t. I don’t want confirmation that you not only obtained evidence without a warrant, but that you committed a felony doing it.”

“Technically it’s only a federal offense if you take it from a mailbox or a postal carri—” Sonny shut up when she shot him a look that said that would be in his best interest.

She leaned back in her chair, eyeing him carefully. “Rafael said that you might be a little too wrapped up in this one. Do I need to bench you?”

“No!” Sonny blurted, and then, more of a grumble, “I’d appreciate it if the two of you didn’t discuss me.”  

“He’s just worried about you. I’m starting to think I should be too.”

“I’m fine. I only want this one closed, just like all the others.”

“And you think the way to do that is by risking your career?” She shook her head. “I get it, Carisi. There are certain ones that get under your skin, but you do this once and it’s a slippery slope. How are you supposed to help the next victim if you’ve been stripped of your badge?” 

“Am I off the case?” He asked, ignoring her warning.

Olivia sighed, knowing that she should pull him, but not really having the manpower to do so. Benching Carisi would put even more weight on her other two detectives’ shoulders. “No, but Carisi, don’t pull something like this again. I won’t be as forgiving next time.”

Sonny nodded. “I won’t, Lieu. I promise.” He rose from his seat, but her voice stopped him.

“It wasn’t a match.”

“What?” It was more out of disbelief than not hearing her correctly.

“The print on the necklace. It’s not a match to Alvin.”

Sonny’s shoulders, already lowered in shame, slumped even further as he walked from her office.

* * *

He was poring over the evidence again, starting from the beginning, trying to find where he’d went wrong, what he’d missed, when Rafael walked into the squad room. The tension in his shoulders and the set line of his mouth told Sonny he was pissed, and he didn’t have to guess why. 

“I need to talk to you.” It was low, so that others in the squad room couldn’t hear, but there was steel in it.

Without a word Sonny stood and led him into the breakroom.

“Look before you—”

“What the  _ fuck _ , Sonny?” Rafael interrupted. “What in the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know!” Sonny flung up his hands. “He refused to come in again, wouldn’t volunteer his prints and I—it was just sitting there, on the counter, and before I knew it I’d…”

“And before you knew it you’d let your Confirmation Bias lead the way,” Rafael finished for him.  “And even if it had been a match, it wouldn’t have been admissible. It could have blown up the entire case.” Rafael ran a hand through this hair. “And I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, so I’d like to know what the hell was going on in your head that you thought this would be the right thing to do.”

“How do you even know about it anyway?” Sonny sidestepped.   

“You know this place leaks like a frickin’ sieve.” Rafael gestured toward the squadroom. “Nothing stays a secret here.”

Under other circumstances he might have made a joke that the two of them were evidence of that. They’d been met with blank, unimpressed looks, and ‘You think that’s news?’ from Fin when they’d announced to the squad over drinks that they were together. But now wasn’t the time to wax poetic about their history.

Sonny laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Less than an hour after I ask the Lieutenant to stop gossiping with you about me, and here you are.” He moved a hand up and down, gesturing toward Rafael.

“It wasn’t Liv.”

Rollins, Sonny had the realization. Traitor.

“Which is something that should concern you,” Rafael continued. “You want word getting around that you’re a dirty cop?”

Sonny’s head snapped up at that, his eyes blazing. “I’m not a dirty cop.”

“You’re not?” He crossed his arms. “Could’ve fooled me. I didn’t realize that upstanding police officers stole evidence from suspects’ homes. My mistake.”

“Really?” Sonny challenged. “I thought it was kind of like when upstanding ADA’s purposely cause a mistrial.”

Rafael’s jaw clenched so tight it ached. Deciding that it was better to walk away than to say the biting retort that was on the tip of his tongue, he turned for the door, but Sonny reached out to stop him.

He grasped Rafael’s left wrist and pulled it up so that his hand was in front of his face. “Do you see this?” The overhead light glinted off of Rafael’s gold wedding band. “This means you don’t get to walk away. Not this time.”

“No,” Rafael yanked his wrist from Sonny’s grip, angry that he’d brought their personal life into this. What Sonny had done had nothing to do with them. “All it means is that I have to come back eventually. And right now, Sonny, I’m so pissed at you that I can’t even see straight, so I’m going to go before I say something I shouldn’t.”

He strode from the room and Rollins quickly tried to look busy. “Detective,” he said in greeting, just so she’d know she’d been caught and he took pleasure in her sheepish look before he disappeared into Olivia’s office.

“Everything okay?” Rollins asked when Sonny came out of the breakroom, looking from him to the Lieutenant’s door that had closed quite forcefully behind Barba.

“Not at all.” Sonny slumped into his chair, but refused to elaborate further. He was little pissed at her in addition to Rafael and himself, knowing that she’d been the one to tell Rafael about what happened, but he wasn’t in the mood for another argument at the moment. He made it a point of  diving back into his case notes.

Amanda took the hint, letting it go even though it wasn’t in her nature. Sonny would talk eventually.

It wasn’t long before Olivia’s door opened again and Rafael walked out, not even looking at Sonny as he passed by his desk on his way to the door. The Lieutenant followed him out of her office, but she stopped at Sonny’s desk.

“Carisi, why don’t you take the rest of the day?”

His brow furrowed and he tossed a look over his shoulder at the doorway, but Rafael was already gone. “If this is about Rafael, I told you—”

Olivia held up a hand. “It has nothing to do with him. I just think that it would be helpful for you to take a step back from this for a bit. Come at with fresh eyes tomorrow.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really. No.”

* * *

There were countless things that Sonny could do with an afternoon off. He could go home and sleep for a few hours, he could finally put together that bookshelf he’d been promising Rafael he’d get to for weeks, he could go by Bella and Tommy’s to see his niece who was growing like a weed. Any of those things, or countless others, would have been a productive way to spend half a day, but instead he found himself at the Y, swimming lap after lap, until his lungs burned and his limbs ached.

And even still he continued. Each stroke, each turn at the wall, borne of muscle memory as his mind ran through the events of the case over and over, each time culminating in the disappointment he’d earned from Rafael and his lieutenant. And himself, if he was being honest.

He’d been honest with Rafael, he didn’t know what he’d been thinking when he’d slipped the envelope from Alvin’s kitchen counter and into his pocket. He’d just known that they needed something,  _ anything _ , to prove that Alvin was their perp. And no, it wouldn’t have been admissible, but at least then the squad would know the truth, Rafael would know the truth, and they’d be on his side.

But he’d been wrong. From the very beginning he’d been convinced Alvin was their guy. Well, maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe he just wanted Alvin to be their guy. “Confirmation bias,” Rafael had said, and, as usual, he was right.

Rafael. Their relationship had always been complicated, beginning in secret, a stolen kiss after a night out with the squad, celebrating a win, and growing ever more so as their hearts became involved. It was a delicate balance, managing their home life and their jobs, but they made it work. At least they had. Ever since they’d gotten married it seemed like everything was spiraling out of control. And it terrified him.

Finally, when his muscles couldn’t perform even one more stroke, he climbed from the pool. He showered quickly, and took a moment to choose between putting his suit back on or changing into the spare set of clothes he kept in his gym bag. Realizing what stop he needed to make next, he went with the suit.

* * *

 

He found Carmen at her desk, giving her a nod as he reached for the doorknob to Rafael’s office. 

“He’s not here.”

“What?” Sonny’s hand paused and he turned toward her.

“He went home with a migraine,” she explained. “I thought he would have let you know.”

“Yeah, well…” Sonny trailed off. He knew that Carmen knew just about everything that went on in Rafael’s—and subsequently his—life, but it was mostly from being fantastic at her job and her ability to read people. They didn’t talk about Rafael, at least nothing more than the occasional reminder that his doctor had told him to eat less red meat, and it felt weird to discuss their fight with her.

She probably already knew. He was sure Rafael had been more surly than usual when he’d returned to his office earlier that day.

“Seemed like a bad one,” Carmen said after a few moments. “You know he usually works through it.”

Sonny nodded, knowing that stress and spikes in blood pressure were a couple of Rafael’s migraine triggers, and knowing just what, or who, had caused that spike today. “I’m going to go check on him. Thanks, Carmen.”

“Of course, Detective Carisi. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

Despite the late afternoon sun that still shone outside, the apartment was pitch black when Sonny stepped through the door. Every blind and curtain was drawn, blackout fabric purchased for days just such as this one, and it took a moment for his eyes to adjust. He did his best to silently remove his coat, suit jacket, and shoes, knowing even the slightest noise could send a spike of pain shooting through Rafael’s brain.

Just as quietly, on socked feet, he made his way down the hallway, turning the knob to their bedroom door slowly. It was dark, but he could make out Rafael’s silhouette on the bed, lying on top of the covers, facing away from Sonny. He turned over slowly—feeling Sonny’s presence more than hearing it—and pulled off his eye mask, the gel one they kept in the refrigerator for him to use when his headaches struck.

“Sorry,” Sonny whispered. “I just wanted to check on you. Go back to sleep.”

“No, it’s okay. Stay,” Rafael said when Sonny started to back out of the room, waving him toward the bed. Despite the eye mask, his eyes were still a bit puffy, and he squinted them against the minute amount of light that his dilated pupils managed to find in the room.

It wasn’t what Sonny had expected. Rafael was normally less than pleasant when a migraine struck, understandably so, and that was when he wasn’t already pissed at Sonny on top of it. He wasn’t about to question it though. He hurried over, stretching out on the bed next to Rafael.

“How’s your head?” He still kept his voice at barely a whisper.

Rafael seemed to think a minute, evaluating his pain level. “Bearable.” An Imitrex, a dark room, and a little bit of sleep usually managed to knock a migraine down to a raging headache. A raging headache he could handle. He’d performed killer cross examinations with that level of pain.

Sonny propped himself up on one elbow, head in his hand and he placed the other one gently over Rafael’s eyes, his thumb on one temple and his middle finger on the other, rubbing soothing circles. Rafael closed his eyes and Sonny watched as he visibly relaxed, sinking deeper into the pillow.

It was something he did on the rare occasions that Rafael succumbed to a headache instead of fighting his way through it. Sonny didn’t know if it actually helped at all, but Rafael seemed to like it and it made him feel like he was helping in some way.

His breathing deepened and Sonny was beginning to think that he’d fallen back to sleep when Rafael spoke. “What’s going on with you?”

Sonny sighed, pulling his hand away. “You really want to do this now? You should be resting.”

“How can I rest when I’m worried that you’re losing it?” He opened his eyes and rolled his head on the pillow to face Sonny, a mistake if the grimace that crossed his face was any indication.

“I’m not losing it,” Sonny said defensively.

“Well, the Sonny I know wouldn’t be sidestepping the law in order to solve a case.”

“Says the man who loves to dance in ethically gray areas if that means getting justice.”

“That’s me. That’s not you.”

“It was an impulse,” Sonny admitted. “One I regret giving into, but I wanted so badly for it to be Alvin. To have proof that it was him.”

“I know you did, but even if it would have been a match, would it have been worth compromising who you are?”

Sonny thought a moment, genuinely not sure of his answer, and that pause had Rafael concerned. When they’d met, everything with Sonny had been black and white. The law was the law. He’d believed in that with everything he had. Rafael worried now that he was going to become another example of SVU chewing up a detective and spitting them out.

“I want to do the right thing, I do, but it’s becoming harder to know what the right thing is anymore.”

Rafael sighed. “I just don’t want you ruining your career over one case. Admittedly a truly heartbreaking case, but it’s one in a list of hundreds. The victims who come after Denia will suffer if you’re not there to help them.”

The corner of Sonny’s mouth tilted up with just the hint of a smile. “The lieutenant said almost the same thing this morning.”

“Great minds…”

“The truth is,” Sonny reached out, taking Rafael’s hand. “The job, the badge, they’re important to me, but you’re everything. And the way you looked at me today...I don’t want to do anything to disappoint you, anything to make me—to make me lose you.”

Rafael rolled completely on his side now to face him, despite the pain it caused in his head, squeezing Sonny’s hand tight and holding it to his chest. “You’re going to have to do a lot more than make some dumbass decision at work to get rid of me.” Sonny smiled a little at that. “I’m sorry if I was harsh with you. I just don’t want you doing things that you’ll regret later.”

“And I thought you were mad because I almost fucked up your case,” Sonny teased.

“That was only most of it,” Rafael joked in return, but then turned serious again. “I mean it. You’re not going to lose me. I love you. More than anything. The work comes second always. And I know that’s hard for me sometimes, and I’m not always going to be pleasant to work with, but know that no matter what happens out there, in here I’m yours, completely.”

Sonny just nodded, the lump in his throat preventing him from speaking. Guilt settled over him in a way that even his questionable methods at work hadn’t caused. He was the one who had fucked up and here was Rafael, comforting him when he didn’t deserve it.

Rafael leaned forward to kiss him softly, a wince crossing his features as he pulled away. “I think I may try to sleep a little more, actually.”

“Okay,” Sonny kissed his temple gently, just barely a ghosting of his lips on skin, and started to get up. “Need anything?”

“No. Just don’t steal anymore evidence while I’m out.” He smirked as he fixed his eye mask back into place.

Sonny sighed heavily, closing the door softly behind him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this chapter was going to be short so I added two fluff scenes that I liked too much to cut once I realized how long this was going to end up being. So, enjoy an extra long chapter. :)

Rafael had slept the entire evening, not even getting out of bed for dinner, and the rise and fall of his chest had still been steady when Sonny had finally climbed beneath the covers, but now, when Sonny rolled over ten minutes before his alarm was set to go off, the bed next to him was empty. 

“Morning.” Rafael stepped out of the closet, already dressed in a light blue shirt along with a dark vest and trousers that held just the hint of a pin stripe. The matching jacket was draped over his arm and he held a dark blue tie with polka dots in his hand.

“Good morning,” Sonny fought a yawn. “Feeling better?”

“Much,” Rafael leaned down to brush a quick kiss across his lips before laying his jacket carefully on the end of the bed and looping the tie around his neck.

Sonny watched him closely as his hands worked deftly to knot the tie.

“What?” Rafael asked, finishing off the knot and pushing it up to tighten it.

“Do you think we’d be together if we didn’t have work in common?” He’d had a lot of time to think the night before while Rafael had been sleeping his migraine away, and it was something that he’d wondered about as he contemplated his future.

“What?” he asked again, huffing out a small laugh. “Where is that coming from?”

“Seriously,” Sonny propped himself up on an elbow. “If you were like, a stock broker,” he ignored Rafael’s scoff, “and I was, I dunno, a bakery owner or something and I just hit on you at a bar, would we be here now?”

“First of all,” Rafael sat on the edge of the bed, his back warm against Sonny’s bare torso. “I would have at least gone home with you because you’re fucking gorgeous, but all those free pastries? That would be worth sticking around for.”

“Who said free?” Sonny’s brow furrowed in mock indignation. “I’ve got a business to keep afloat.”

“Wow,” Rafael chuckled. “Baker Sonny is mean.”

“The restaurant world in New York is cutthroat. I can’t afford to just give away product, even if it’s to get into a hot stock broker’s pants.”

Rafael shook his head, smiling. He would have been happy to continue with the silly bit—something that he never would have done before Sonny came along, but that he often found joy in now—but there was an undercurrent to this that was much more serious. “I ask again, where is this coming from?”

Sonny sighed, “It’s just that, so much of our relationship is spent at work together, or talking about whatever case we’re working on. Otherwise, we’re so different. If we didn’t work together anymore, do you think that—Well, would we—”

“Yes,” Rafael interrupted him. “I would love you if you were a baker, if you were a mechanic, if you were a mime—which honestly, I wouldn’t mind with the way you babble on sometimes.” Sonny rolled his eyes, but a grin spread across his face. “I love you  _ despite _ the fact that we work together, not because of it.”

Sonny’s face fell. “You don’t like that we work together?”     

“I love getting to see you during my work day, I love getting to see first hand at how great a detective you are, but there are some things that would definitely be easier. You know that.” Sonny didn’t say anything, just looked contemplative, and Rafael ran a hand over his hair and then down the side of his face to rest against his neck.

“I love you. I  _ married  _ you, and none of that has anything to do with what we do for a living. Yes, we’re different, but that’s a good thing. You brighten my world in ways I never even imagined and all I want is for you to be happy. So, if you’re thinking of making a change because that’s what’s right for you, then do it. I’ll always be here for you to come home to at the end of the day, no matter where you’re coming from.”

There were days when they struggled, days where Rafael was the hardass that he had met and dealt with on a daily basis early on in his time with SVU, days where they sniped at one another and went to bed with only an obligatory peck on the lips before turning their backs, but most days this was the Rafael that he, and he alone, got the privilege of having. He was warm and caring and made Sonny feel so loved that he thought his heart would burst. 

The ball of anxiety that had been sitting in Sonny’s stomach for days loosened just a bit. He still didn’t know what he wanted to do, if he wanted to do anything at all, but knowing that Rafael would be there for him no matter what he chose made it all a little better.

“Thank you.” It wasn’t enough, would never be enough. Just simple words of gratitude, but Sonny hoped he heard the feeling behind it.

Rafael shook his head. “That’s like you thanking me for breathing.” It was true. Loving Sonny was natural, something his heart did without any instruction, and vital to his survival.

“It’s not fair,” Sonny complained. “You’re so much better with words than I am. I manage a ‘thank you’ and then you say something like that.”

Rafael chuckled, but it died when he leaned over to press his lips against Sonny’s, noticing not for the first time how perfectly their mouths fit against one another. “You do just fine.”

Sonny tilted his chin so that their lips met again. “I love you.”

“See?” Rafael smiled and he was still so close that Sonny could feel it. “You know just what to say to get my heart racing.”

* * *

“Okay, so, we’ve got Edwin and the volleyball coach,” Olivia tapped each name with the Expo marker as she said them before turning to look at her squad, all seated around the conference table. “Who else?”

They were starting from the beginning, reviewing evidence (not that there was much) and listing potential suspects, hoping to find something or someone they’d overlooked.

“A teacher?” Fin suggested. “We can do a deeper dive at the school. See if there was anyone who spent an unusual amount of time with her.”

Olivia added it to the board. “See if there were any new hires or if her schedule changed, since this all appears to be recent.”

Rollins looked at Carisi for a moment before speaking up. “Dylan.”

“What? No.” Sonny shook his head as Olivia silently added Dylan’s name to the list. “He’s been helping us since the beginning.”

“More like lying to us since the beginning,” Fin supplied.

“Just because Alvin isn’t our perp doesn’t mean Dylan was lying about seeing him. We have the security footage to back it up.”

“But didn’t the mother tell you that she had her concerns about him?” Olivia asked.

Sonny scoffed. “She just doesn’t like that he hangs around and doesn’t have a job or go to school. That doesn’t make him a homicidal rapist.”

“What is with you and this kid?” Rollins was starting to get frustrated. “Why do you refuse to see what is right in front of you?”

“He’s just a lonely kid with a bad home life.”

“And the lonely kid with the bad home life has never been our perp.” The sarcasm dripped from her words.

“Okay.” Olivia held up a hand. “It’s definitely worth looking into. How much did you vet this kid?”

“Did a standard run when he came in for the line up,” Sonny shrugged. “Nothing popped.”

“Well, dig deeper,” she instructed and Sonny nodded his agreement. Even if he was reluctant, he was never one to disobey an order.

They reviewed evidence and talked through theories for a little while longer, but Sonny found it hard to pay attention. His mind was still on Dylan. Had he missed something? Admittedly his instincts had gone haywire on this case, but was he really that off?

Even if Dylan had been lying about seeing Alvin, Sonny got the feeling that he just liked the attention that he was receiving from the police. It didn’t seem that he got much, if any, from his parents, and it probably felt good to be important to the investigation.

But he’d do his due diligence and look into Dylan more thoroughly.

Finally, Olivia dismissed them and they began gathering up their files and notepads, intent on making some sort of progress that day.

“Sonny,” Amanda stopped him once Fin and the lieutenant had stepped out into the squadroom.

“I already agreed to follow up on Dylan, you don’t have to keep pushing me on it.”

“No, it’s not that. I just…” She shifted uncomfortably on her feet. “I didn’t mean to cause problems between you and Barba. I was worried that you were gonna get suspended or something and I thought he should know what was going on, but it probably wasn’t my place.”

“No,” Sonny put his hands on the back of the chair he’d been sitting in for their briefing. “It wasn’t. It’s complicated enough, our relationship, I don’t need you jumping in and adding to it.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I’ll do my best to stay out of it from now on.”

Sonny couldn’t help the small grin that pulled at his lips. Of course she couldn’t promise that she wouldn’t do it again, only that she would try. It was completely Rollins and he felt his anger at her dissipating. “I guess that’s all I can ask.”

“But before I butt out—” Sonny groaned. He’d known it had been too easy. “Can you please not make anymore dumbass moves like the one you pulled? You’re lucky you’re not on desk duty or worse.”

“Wait,” Sonny snapped his fingers. “My desk.”

“Yes, exactly,” Rollins said like he was slow to catch on. “The place where you’re going to be taking up residence if you fuck up again.”

“No.” He waved it away, having already moved on. “When he came in for the line up Dylan sat at my desk. He kept messing with all of my stuff. We probably have his prints.” He mentally kicked himself for wiping down his desk for the first time in ages when he’d been killing time before going home on Saturday, but Dylan had also been messing with his pens and mug and other knick knacks he kept on his desk.

“You sound pretty excited for someone who doesn’t think he did it.”

He didn’t know what he thought anymore, but he didn’t tell her that. “Well, this will either rule him out and I’m right, or I’m wrong, but we find the person responsible for what happened to Denia. I’m okay with either outcome.”

“Okay, then.” Rollins nodded once, settling the matter. “I’ll call and have them send someone over.”

* * *

 

“He’s on the phone,” Carmen cautioned when Sonny appeared that afternoon, a drink carrier in one hand and a plastic bag in the other. It wasn’t to stop him from stepping into Rafael’s office, just a warning to be quiet when he did so. 

“Thanks.” Sonny held out the drink tray, three Starbucks cups nestled in it. “Yours is on the right.”

It wasn’t the first time he’d brought her coffee, not even close, but her eyes still widened in surprise as she took the cup. She was invisible to most people and seen as a hindrance to others—it wasn’t her fault people didn’t know how to make an appointment—but Detective Carisi had taken care early on to find out how she liked her coffee and when her birthday was, always sure to bring her a cupcake and a card. Her boss had certainly found a good one.

“Thank you, Detective,” she said before taking a grateful sip.   

“Hey, I gotta keep the keeper of my husband’s calendar caffeinated. Otherwise I may never see him.” Sonny tossed her a grin before quietly opening the door to Rafael’s office and disappearing inside.

Rafael smiled at him from behind his desk, holding up a finger as he listened to the person on the other end of the line. “Yes, we did have a line up, but—” He sighed quietly as he was cut off.

Sonny cringed, knowing that whatever verbal lashing Rafael was receiving was his fault. He busied himself setting the tray of coffees on the table in the center of the room before pulling neatly wrapped sandwiches and two bottles of water from the bag.

“I understand, but it’s very little to go on. We need to have more evidence before I’m comfortable convening a Gran J—yes, I know. I know. Of course. I’ll keep you updated, Mr. Mayor.”

Sonny heard his cell phone drop to his desk and turned, his face scrunched. “I’m sorry.”

“You brought me caffeine and food, you’re forgiven.” Rafael stood, coming around his desk to meet Sonny who still stood near the table. He wrapped arms around his waist, giving him a quick squeeze and a chaste kiss on the lips before dropping into a chair. “Thank you.” He didn’t waste anytime, tearing at the wrapper on his sandwich.

“Of course.” Sonny sat next to him, picking up his own sandwich.

“What’s on your hands?” Rafael asked around a mouthful, already on his second bite, as he eyed the black smudges on Sonny’s hands. A bit of it had transferred onto the white sandwich wrapper.

“Ugh, dammit. I thought I’d gotten it all.” Sonny reached into the bag to pull out napkins, scrubbing at his hands even though he knew it wouldn’t do much good. “Fingerprint powder. ECT dusted my desk and I just spend an hour trying to get this shit off of all my stuff. I now feel sorry for every person whose home we’ve ever dusted. Those people probably never get rid of it all.”

“And why, may I ask, were they dusting your desk for fingerprints?” He finally sat down his sandwich, half gone now, and reached for the bottle of water, cracking it open.

They both ate—with Sonny hoping silently that fingerprinting powder wasn’t poisonous—as he filled Rafael in on their morning briefing and his realization that Dylan’s prints were probably on his desk.

“It’s a good idea,” Rafael chewed thoughtfully. “But you know we won’t be able to use it in court if there is a match. Any half ass defense attorney can argue that we don’t have proof it was Dylan who left the prints on your desk. And they’d be right.”

Sonny put the cap back on his water and sat the bottle on the table. “I know, but it would be enough to use as leverage in an interview, to get a warrant.”

“You could bring him in now. Tell him you have the prints. You don’t actually need them.”

This was something Sonny was glad hadn’t changed. He had always loved coming in here, discussing cases and bouncing ideas off of one another. The only difference was that now he could touch and kiss Rafael whenever he got the urge instead of just daydreaming about it. He didn’t know how they’d ever gotten any work done early on since he’d constantly found himself lost in visions of pressing Rafael up against his desk, kissing him until he was breathless.

The day he’d learned that Rafael had been fantasizing about him too was one of the greatest days of his life.

He took advantage of that freedom now, turning to face Rafael and resting a hand on his thigh. If the wedding ring on his finger wasn’t enough evidence of Rafael’s love for him, the fact that he didn’t even complain about the possibility of Sonny getting fingerprinting powder on his pants was.

“I want to do things right this time. He’s eighteen with no job, he’s not going anywhere.”

Rafael smiled, crumpling his sandwich wrapper and putting it in the bag. It was a good sign that Sonny was slowing down, taking his time now, but he knew he was still on a razor’s edge. “Will you be okay? If it turns out to be Dylan?” He knew Sonny and the kid had a bit of a rapport, that Sonny felt sorry for him.

Sonny thought a moment, his thumb rubbing a ghost of a circle on the inside of Rafael’s thigh as he did so. Rafael was pretty sure he wasn’t even aware that he was doing it. “I’ll be disappointed if it’s him.” It was something he hadn’t been willing to admit to Rollins earlier. “And it’s not because I’d have to admit to being wrong. We both know I’m plenty used to being wrong.”

Rafael gave him a small grin just because he knew that’s what he’d been going for. “I know.”

Sonny finished up his sandwich and checked his watch. His hour was almost up. “I gotta get back, but unless something big breaks I should be home on time tonight. Maybe I can make us a real dinner. We’ve been living on take out lately.” He stood and began gathering their trash. “I’ll stop by the store on my way home. Anything in particular sound good?”

“I’m fine with anything,” Rafael stood as well, grabbing his coffee.

“I’ll come up with something.” Sonny leaned down to kiss him. “I love you.”

“Love you too. Be safe.”

Sonny picked up his own coffee and headed for the door, pulling it open just as Olivia was reaching up to knock. Carmen had given her the heads up that Sonny was inside and she’d learned the hard way to knock before going in. Seeing her detective in Rafael’s lap with his belt undone once was enough. More than enough.

“Oh, hey, Lieutenant,” Sonny said in surprise. “Did you need me for something?” He immediately reached in his pocket for his phone to check to see if he’d missed any messages from her.

“No, I was actually coming to see Barba.” 

“Oh, okay. I’ll leave you both to it then.” Sonny tossed a final wave at Rafael, who had settled back behind his desk during the exchange, before walking out.

“Looks like you already had your coffee delivery,” she said, sitting down in a chair across from him. She sat the drink tray she carried on the corner of his desk and pulled her own coffee from it.

“You say that like I won’t drink both,” he said, reaching for the second cup as proof. “What brings you by? Sonny just filled me in on the Merlo case.”

“How’s he doing?” She asked and Rafael sat back in his chair, contemplating what to say.

He knew that Sonny didn’t like it when they discussed him, but he also needed Liv to help keep an eye on him. “A little better. I think.”

“Things have been crazy since the two of you got back. But then again, I guess they always are.”

“You got that right.” He finished off the coffee that Sonny had brought him and tossed the cup into the trashcan, not even hesitating before picking up the fresh cup from Liv. He opened his mouth to say something else, but then closed it.

“What?” Olivia asked with an arch of her eyebrow. It was rare for Rafael Barba to hold back.

“I can’t seem to convince him that I’m not going anywhere. I put a ring on his finger, did the whole ‘til death do us part’ and all that and he still thinks I’m going to disappear any minute. Did I do that? Did I do something to make him think I’m not all in despite the marriage certificate?”

The questions were mostly rhetorical. She knew that. As close as she and Barba were she didn’t know everything that went on in their relationship, so there was no real way for her to know the answer, but she still felt the need to comfort her friend. “I don’t think it’s anything you did, really. I just get the feeling that Carisi has always thought he’s punching above his weight.”

Rafael scoffed over the rim of his coffee cup. “That’s ridiculous.”

Olivia shrugged as if to say, ‘that’s Carisi.’ “So I think that maybe he’s just afraid that one day you’ll realize you’re too good for him, wedding ring or no.”

Rafael shook his head. “We both know that if anyone is too good for the other, he’s too good for me.”

“Yes, we do.” She grinned and he frowned even though he’d been the one to say it. He hadn’t expected her to so readily agree.

“So,” he leaned forward in his chair again, his forearms on his desk. “Did you come here just to discuss my relationship?”

“Hey, given my dating life I have to live vicariously. But no,” she added and he huffed a laugh. “I wanted to give you a heads up. I sent Rollins and Fin out on a call a bit ago. If what we’re hearing is true there’s a middle school teacher sleeping with students. It’s going to be a nightmare, especially once the press gets ahold of it.”

Rafael pinched the bridge of his nose, all sense of joviality from a moment before gone. “Keep me posted.”

“Will do,” she promised, standing. Her phone buzzed in her pocket. “Benson. What?” Rafael eyed her curiously. “Okay. Okay, I’ll be right there.” She ended the call and shoved her phone back in her pocket. “I gotta go, there’s something going down at the Merlos’.”

“What? What is it?”

Olivia was already to the door. “Not sure. I’ll fill you in when I can.”

She was gone before he could ask anything else.

* * *

By the time Olivia pulled up to the Merlos’ building there were already several squad cars parked out front, their red and blue lights bouncing off the buildings as the January sun began to set, despite it still being only afternoon. 

She spotted Rollins and Carisi on the sidewalk, both of them in their NYPD coats and black beanies.

“Hey, Fin stayed at the school, but I came as soon as I heard,” Rollins explained, hands stuffed in her pockets to ward off the cold.

“That’s fine. What’s going on?”

“Looks like Dylan has Mrs. Merlo in the vestibule of the building,” Sonny explained, his expression grim.

“Gun?” Olivia asked and Sonny nodded.

“Negotiator’s on their way.”

“Okay, wait here.” Olivia took a deep breath before turning to bark orders at the uniforms. At least for now she was the ranking officer and they needed to get the scene under control.

“Dammit, you called this,” Sonny said to Rollins once Olivia had walked away. “If I hadn’t been so focused on Alvin...”

“Hey,” Amanda put a hand on his arm. “We all thought Alvin was good for it. And none of us saw this coming. But now we need to focus so we can get Valeria out of this.”

“Yeah. Okay. You’re right,” Sonny nodded, taking a deep breath, the frigid air burning his lungs.

“Looks like the negotiator’s here.” Rollins watched over his shoulder as the van pulled up.

Sonny followed her gaze. “Let’s hope he knows what he’s doing.”

He didn’t.

At least not in Sonny’s opinion. They’d been there almost an hour and they hadn’t even found a way to get Dylan to speak with them. He didn’t have a cell phone and he wouldn’t answer Valeria’s when they called it.

The next try had been using a megaphone and that had failed spectacularly.

Sonny was just grateful that Dylan had tucked himself and Valeria back into the corner of the vestibule where the snipers couldn’t get a clear shot, otherwise he probably would have had a bullet in his brain by now.

“I’m telling you, let me go up there and try to talk to him.” Sonny implored Chief Gabriel, the incident commander, for the millionth time.

“No,” the chief responded. “You’re not trained for these situations and I’m not having an officer’s head blown off on my watch.”

“Chief,” Olivia stepped in. “With all due respect, we aren’t getting anywhere and Detective Carisi and the suspect have a relationship. He may be able to talk him down.”

She didn’t like the idea either, but it was only a matter of time before a nosy resident came down the stairs against NYPD’s orders and spooked Dylan. Carisi might be their only hope.

The chief stared at him for a long moment. “Kid, I got six months until retirement. Don’t fuck this up.”

It wasn’t the vote of confidence that he’d like, but Sonny would take it. “Yes, sir.”

“You got your vest on under there?” Olivia gestured toward his coat and he nodded.

It only took a few minutes for ESU to set him up with an ear piece and a body cam, and then Chief Gabriel patted him roughly on the back. “Alright, kid. Let’s see what you got.

Olivia climbed down out of the van with him. It was even colder now that the sun had fully set and her breath came out in puffs as she clamped her hands on Sonny’s shoulders. “Nothing fancy, Carisi. If he doesn’t seem receptive or he starts to get agitated, I want you to back out of there. Okay?”

Sonny nodded. “If...Tell Rafael—”

Olivia shook her head. “You’ll tell him yourself. Now remember, no heroics.”

Sonny’s heart hammered in his chest as he made his way up the cement stairs to the main door of the building. He stopped at the top, not willing to go any closer until he gauged Dylan’s state of mind. The lighting in the vestibule wasn’t great, but the lone bulb was enough that he could see him, his back in the corner, one arm around Valeria, the other holding a gun at his side.

When he saw Sonny he stood up straight, moving the gun to rest against Mrs. Merlo’s temple.

“Dylan,” Sonny called out. “It’s me, Detective Carisi. I just want to talk to you.” He took a tentative step forward.

“Go away!”

“I can’t do that, Dylan.” Another step. “I want to help you, but you have to let me.”

“It’s too late,” Dylan’s voice shook. “Nobody can help me.”

“That’s not true. I can. I just need you to let me in okay?” Sonny was up to the door now. He raised his hands so that Dylan could see that he was unarmed.

“Careful, Carisi,” Olivia said in his ear.

Sonny ignored it. “What do you say, Dylan? Can I come inside?” He was met with silence and took that as a go ahead. He reached tentatively for the door knob, holding his breath as he pulled the door open. He stepped slowly inside, the sound of the door falling closed echoing in the small space.

“That’s close enough,” Dylan swung the gun in his direction. His arm shook, but Sonny figured from this range it wouldn’t make much difference. He’d have to really be off to miss him.

Sonny raised his hands again. “Okay. Okay. I’m not moving.” He looked at Valeria. Tears streaked down her cheeks and her whole body trembled where it was held pressed up against Dylan. He looked even larger next to her small frame. “Are you okay, Mrs. Merlo?”

She nodded, almost imperceptibly, terrified of moving.

He shifted his gaze back to Dylan, not wanting to take his eyes off of him for too long. “You’ve got me now. Why don’t we let Mrs. Merlo go?”

“No,” Dylan shook his head emphatically, keeping the gun on Sonny. “This is her fault!”

“Okay, but this isn’t the way to handle this. Just drop the gun and we can talk this out. You can tell me why it’s her fault.” Sonny slid his foot forward just slightly.

“She...she did this.” Dylan was near tears.

“What did she do, Dylan? Tell me and I can help you.”

“All her fault,” he practically whined and Sonny was once again reminded of just how young he was.

“Why? Why is it her fault?”

“Because she—” The gun lowered a few inches and Sonny took the opportunity, lunging forward.

“Carisi, no!” Olivia yelled in his ear, but the only response was the gunshot ringing out, echoing in the small space. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you completely by AHumanFemale and Robin Hood. They wrote all the best parts and coached me through the rest. I'm so lucky to have such amazingly talented and generous friends. Thank you both! <3

His heart pounded in his ears, the blood coursing so loudly through his veins that he could hear nothing else. His limbs felt numb and it was pure adrenaline that kept him upright as he sprinted from the elevator. He ignored the stares from those he passed as he continued to run, not stopping until he found Olivia. 

“He’s fine,” she said even as he slid to a stop in front of her, panting.

“I need you to explain to me,” Rafael fought to catch his breath, “why I had to hear it from  _ Carmen _ that my husband’s head was almost blown off?” She’d pulled him from a meeting, something she rarely did unless they’d planned it ahead of time, and the look on her face had told him immediately that something was wrong.

He thought he’d throw up on her shoes, even as she told him that Sonny was okay, but he’d managed to fight it back. Carmen had barely gotten out that he was at the precinct before Rafael had taken off, leaving her to explain to the other ADA’s where he’d gone.

“Because he’s fine,” Olivia repeated. “And he didn’t want to worry you.”

“Where is he?” He demanded. His need to see for himself that Sonny was okay outweighed his desire to point out the idiocy displayed in the decision made by both his best friend and his husband.

“Observation.” She tilted her head toward the hallway that held the viewing windows for the interrogation rooms.

He was still wearing his bullet proof vest—that God forsaken vest that Rafael both loved and loathed—standing tall and beautiful as ever, the only evidence that he’d even been in any sort of scuffle was the curl of hair that had come loose and fallen over his forehead. He had his arms crossed and was frowning at whatever was taking place behind the glass. Rafael’s knees nearly gave out, the wave of relief that flooded him was so great.

Rafael stood frozen in place at the end of the hall, not quite able to get his feet to work now that the adrenaline that had fueled him was waning, but Sonny turned, a grin breaking out across his face at the sight of him. That’s all it took to get him moving and in half a second Rafael was standing in front of him, hands on his shoulders, his arms, his neck, his face, in his hair.

“I’m fine, I promise. Raf, Raf, come on, I’m fine,” Sonny chuckled a little, grabbing Rafael’s hands with his to stop their frantic ministrations. “Look at me.” Finally still, Rafael looked up into Sonny’s bright blue eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Okay. Okay.” Rafael nodded, letting out shaky a breath. “They said you were okay, but I didn’t—I couldn’t—I just, had to see you.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you.” Sonny brought Rafael’s hands to his lips, kissing lightly across his knuckles.

“I’d just prefer not to be made a widow less than a month in, that’s all,” his tone was sarcastic and he threw in the hint of a smirk for good measure, but there was a tremble in his voice that had Sonny tilting his head and squeezing Rafael’s hands again.

“You’re never gonna be a widow. I’m gonna live forever.” A dimple appeared in Sonny’s right cheek as he flashed him half a grin.

“Okay, but humor me and pretend that you are a mere mortal. Next time—even though there better not be a next time— can you call me, send me a text, something? ‘Hey, Raf, I was shot at, but I’m okay. No need to berate a cab driver into breaking sixty traffic laws so you can get to me.’”

Sonny laughed. “I wasn’t shot at. A gun went off in my general vicinity.”

“Alright, Counselor,” Rafael rolled his eyes and Sonny took it as a compliment.

“I learned from the best.”

Rafael ignored the flattery. “You know, when I tell you to be safe every day that doesn’t mean single handedly take on a kid with a gun. Your job is dangerous enough without you being reckless.” Sonny’s mouth opened to speak, but Rafael interrupted him. “If the words ‘Felipe Heredio’ come out of your mouth, we’re getting divorced.”

Sonny clamped his mouth closed again, but there was a twinkle in his eye. It was his go-to move to remind Rafael of the time he gave his address to a man who was trying to kill him whenever he complained about Sonny doing something dangerous, but maybe now wasn’t the time.

“I just...I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.” He reached up to lovingly brush back the curl of hair, but it was one of the few things in the universe unwilling to bend to the will of Rafael Barba and it immediately fell back into place.

“Well, the good news is you aren’t going to have to find out.” Sonny wrapped his arms around him and Rafael rested his head against Sonny’s chest, hating that the layer of kevlar prevented him from feeling his heartbeat against his cheek. He was standing here, holding him in his arms, but the steady beat of his heart would have added some reassurance as to his well being.

“Sonny?” Rafael asked, looking down at the floor.

“Yeah?”

“Why are you wearing your gym sneakers?”

“Oh, um, well,” Sonny laughed nervously. “The bullet kinda hit my shoe.”

“What?” Rafael pulled back now so that he could look at him.

“Yeah, but it’s fine,” he said quickly. “You know how my left foot is a little smaller than my right? Well, that was helpful because it mostly just got leather. I barely bled at all.”

Rafael went from shocked to worried to relieved in a matter of seconds, but then it turned into something else, his brow furrowing. “Wait, were you wearing the Ferragamos I bought you for Christmas?” When Sonny nodded he had to remind himself of the way he’d felt just minutes earlier. The important thing was that Sonny hadn’t been hurt, at least not badly.

“I’m sorry.” He truly looked it and Rafael sighed.

“They’re only things.” He rose up on his toes to kiss him softly. “But this year you’re getting a membership to the Bread of the Month Club.”

Sonny laughed, brushing their lips together again. “I love bread.”

Rafael cleared his throat and nodded toward the interrogation room. “So what’s the deal?”

If Sonny was thrown off by how quickly he shifted gears he didn’t show it. “According to Mrs. Merlo, she was leaving to go meet with the funeral home to confirm the arrangements for Denia and she saw Dylan outside as usual. She said something to him about lying about her brother and it escalated from there. Dylan pulled the gun on her and yanked her inside.”

“He still lives at home, right? Where are the parents?” Rafael knew that Dylan was eighteen, but that didn’t usually stop pushy parents from trying to be involved.

“Trying to find them. There was no one in his apartment, but you shoulda seen that place, Raf. It’s a pigsty. No food to be found. Cold as a meat locker. No wonder he has no problem standing outside in the cold all day.”

Rafael looked up at him, not at all surprised that Sonny still managed to dredge up sympathy for the kid. The visions he’d had his whole way over here, Sonny bloodied and lifeless, prevented Rafael from managing to do the same.

Sonny reached over to turn up the speaker, which was practically pointless since Dylan hadn’t spoken a word since they’d brought him in. No matter what Rollins or Fin said to him, he just sat in the chair staring at them, arms crossed.

“It was a match,” Sonny said after a few minutes of silence.

“What was?”

Sonny turned to look at him, his mouth in a straight line, and his eyes dark. “The thumbprint Dylan left on my coffee mug, it matched the partial on the necklace. The report was waiting here when I got back.”

“Oh,” was all Rafael said. That seemed like something he should have led with, but he supposed Sonny was still processing the truth himself. As much as he’d said he’d be fine if it was Dylan, Rafael knew that he had hoped it wasn’t.

Olivia appeared at the end of the hallway,  “Anything?”

Sonny shook his head. “You gotta let me have a go at him, Lieu. He’ll talk to me.”

“Carisi, less than two hours ago he was holding a gun on you. Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“He didn’t want to shoot me,” Sonny argued.

Olivia gave him a look. “Yes, that’s often the case when someone points a loaded gun at you.”

“I’m just saying, if he wanted me dead, I’d be dead.”

Olivia glanced at Rafael, as if to get his opinion on the matter, but he’d stayed silent throughout the exchange and remained so now, even if his jaw ached with the effort. If he had his way, Sonny wouldn’t go anywhere near Dylan again. Instead he’d grab him by the arm and drag him home where he’d be safe, but it wasn’t his place to intervene. Olivia wouldn’t want his thoughts on whether or not Rollins should be in an interrogation and the same should go for Sonny.

“I can do this,” Sonny said when she didn’t say anything.

“Fine,” Olivia caved. “But Rollins stays with you.”

“Yeah, of course,” Sonny agreed readily, pulling at the velcro straps of his vest. “You going to stay?” He directed at Rafael.

“I would, but I ran out of the office without any of my stuff.” He patted his pockets. “I don’t even have my phone.”

“And here I thought it was physically attached to you.” Sonny grinned, pulling off the vest and Rafael took it from him without a word. He’d drop it at Sonny’s desk on his way out.

“Funny.” Rafael started to raise himself up to kiss him, but thought better of it, looking over at Olivia. “Avert your gaze, Liv.”

Olivia laughed and rolled her eyes, but looked up at the ceiling anyway, just to play along.

“Kick some ass,” Rafael whispered in Sonny’s ear before kissing him soundly. “See you at home.”

* * *

With Rafael’s encouragement in his ears, Sonny knocked on the interrogation room door before letting himself in. “Hey, Fin, the Lieu wants to see you outside,” he said, deliberately casual, knowing that Fin would catch on.

Sure enough, Fin looked almost relieved as he levered himself out of his seat, brushing past Sonny with a murmured, “Good luck.”

Dylan did his best to keep his face neutral as Sonny took Fin’s seat, but Sonny caught a flicker of something in his eyes. What it was, he wasn’t sure yet.

“Hey, Dylan,” Sonny said amiably, sliding the can of Coke he’d brought with him across the table. He’d rolled the sleeves of his shirt up above his elbows and left his hair hanging down over his forehead, hoping to appear casual.

Dylan remained still, but his eyes went to the can of soda before looking back at Sonny, who gave him his best attempt at a friendly smile.

“Look, no hard feelings, okay? I mean, the only harm here was done to a pair of shoes and there’s no law against that.” Something he was sure Rafael would change if he could. “Honestly, they weren’t even shoes I liked, you know? So really, you did me a favor there.”

Amanda shot him a glance, less because she was questioning where he was going and more because she undoubtedly knew that the opposite was true, and Sonny was glad that Rafael had left or he likely would have rapped  on the glass window and yanked him out over the damned shoes.

For the first time since being brought in, Dylan relaxed, just a little. “Yeah,” he said, finally. “Yeah, I did you a favor.”

He seemed to warm to the idea, and Sonny figured he might as well run with it. “Right, so now I owe you a favor,” he said, nodding. “And I wanna get you outta here, really I do. I mean, it’s not your fault my big feet got in the way, right?” Dylan almost cracked a smile, and Sonny leaned forward. “But, uh, you gotta talk to me first about what happened, ok?” Dylan heistated, and Sonny pressed, “What happened today, Dylan? Was this about Denia?”

There was the flash again, but Dylan stayed silent.

“Okay, you don’t wanna talk about Denia, that’s fine.” They’d work their way there. Hopefully. At this rate he wouldn’t do any better than Rollins and Fin had done. “What about Mrs. Merlo?”

Dylan glanced at him warily. “I’m not dumb enough to say anything without a lawyer.”

“Nah, I don’t think you’re dumb at all,” Sonny said dismissively. “Denia didn’t either, did she? But Mrs. Merlo — well, she clearly didn’t realize how smart you were, right?” Dylan was still frowning, but he also nodded, jerkily, and Sonny took that as permission to continue. “You told me what happened today was her fault. What’d she do?”

"I was minding my own business," Dylan said pointedly, as though what had just occurred was a verbal altercation and not something involving a firearm.

“Sure you were,” Sonny said, nodding. “I mean, that’s what you do, right? You keep outta the way, you mind your own business. You’re not a troublemaker.”

Dylan nodded. “I just want to be left alone,” he said. “I never bother anybody, and suddenly she shows up, ear to the phone, bitching under her breath about how I’m wrong about her brother or some shit.”

“She said that to you?” Sonny marveled, shaking his head in mock-dismay. “Christ. I mean, no wonder you were mad. I’d’ve been mad, too, someone came after me like that.”

Dylan sat up a little straighter. “Yeah,” he said, more confidently than before, and Sonny could feel Amanda relax next to him, just slightly. They were starting to get somewhere. “Yeah. She got all up in my face, told me to take back what I said, that I was a liar.”

“And you couldn’t let her call you a liar,” Sonny said reasonably.

“Exactly.”

Sonny nodded slowly, trying to think ahead of how to circle this back to Denia in a way that wouldn’t raise Dylan’s suspicions. “Not when you know that Alvin’s up to no good.”

Dylan seemed slightly less sure of himself now, eyes flickering from Sonny to Amanda. “Right,” he said. “Yeah, he’s...he’s not a good guy.”

“And that’s what all this was about, right, Dylan?” Sonny kept his voice as light as possible without sounding patronizing. “Alvin’s not a good guy, and you were just looking out for Denia.”

He said it like it was a fact, and Dylan nodded, more firmly this time. “Yeah,” he said. “She’s...she was my friend.”

“Just your friend?” Sonny asked with a smile. “I mean, c’mon, good looking guy like you — she was into you, right?”

Dylan returned his smile. “Yeah,” he admitted. “Yeah, she was into me. I looked out for her. Our neighborhood’s not the greatest, and with her uncle and everything else…”

He trailed off and Sonny nodded understandingly. “She needed someone to protect her,” he supplied. “Someone to keep her safe.”

“Exactly,” Dylan said, sounding almost relieved, and Sonny knew he had him, that he just had to keep him talking for long enough for it all to tumble out. “She needed me to keep her safe.”

“You’d never let anything happen to her, right?” Sonny said.

“Never,” Dylan swore, almost breathless in his conviction, and Sonny had to swallow the bile that rose in his throat at how deluded Dylan sounded as he continued, “She’d come home and I’d be there to meet her, to make sure nothing happened to her. And we fooled around a bit, you know, because we were, you know, together. I loved her.”

Sonny thought of the imprint of fingers around Denia’s throat and forced himself to look at Dylan. “Right,” he said, nodding. “You loved her. You’d never hurt her. But, uh, something did happen to her, Dylan. She did get hurt.”

Dylan’s expression faltered. “I know,” he said softly.

“You were supposed to protect her, Dylan,” Sonny said evenly, leaning forward. “So what happened?”

Dylan’s eyes flashed up to his. “I didn’t mean to hurt her,” he said, his voice low.

“I know you didn’t,” Sonny said. “I know this is all a big misunderstanding. But you gotta tell me what happened.” Dylan shook his head and Sonny sat forward, resting his elbows against the table. “Listen, I owe you a favor, remember? And I can make all of this go away. But you gotta talk to me.”

For a long moment, Dylan was silent, a long enough moment that Sonny cursed internally. He’d pushed too hard too quickly, or said the wrong thing, and the moment with Dylan was broken. He’d have to walk out of the interrogation room and admit defeat and— “We were fooling around,” Dylan said softly.

Sonny almost heaved a sigh of relief, but managed to control himself. “You and Denia?” he clarified, more for his sake than Dylan’s.

Dylan nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “And we’d...we’d done it before, right? And she’d always been kinda nervous, you know? I was her first. But this time—” His expression twisted, darkened. “It was different. She was crying,” he said, and Sonny could feel Amanda tense next to him. “She was crying and she said that she was gonna tell her mom, that she hated me…” He trailed off and shook his head, his eyes wide, almost helpless. “I don’t know why she said that.”

“And you couldn’t let her do that,” Sonny prompted. “You couldn’t let her tell her mom. Her mom would never understand.”

“Exactly,” Dylan said. “So I...I was just trying to get her to stop, to shut up, but she wouldn’t stop crying, and...and so I put my hands around her neck and I…” He shook his head, eyes still wide. “She wouldn’t stop crying,” he whispered.

“And so you killed her,” Sonny said coldly, unable to keep the venom fully out of his voice.

Dylan looked up at him. “What? No.”

“You put your hands around her neck, and you squeezed until she stopped crying, right?” Sonny said, almost viciously, his hand curling into a fist. “And then when she stopped crying, you kept squeezing until she was dead.”

Dylan shook his head wildly. “I didn’t...I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“Right,” Sonny all but snarled. “Just like you didn’t mean to rape her.”

Dylan froze, his expression turning from bewildered to angry so quickly that Sonny almost couldn’t track the change. “I didn’t,” he said coldly. “We were in love. And now I’m done talking until I get a lawyer.”

“Fine,” Sonny said curtly, shoving his chair back from the table. “You said everything I needed to hear already anyway.”

* * *

 

It was late when Sonny finally got home, so late that he probably would have gotten more sleep just crashing in the crib, but he couldn’t bring himself to, not after the day he’d had. He wanted nothing more than to climb under the ridiculously expensive—but damn comfortable—duvet Rafael had insisted on buying and curl up against the man he loved. 

The man who, instead of sleeping, was propped up against the headboard, scribbling something on a legal pad, a thick law volume laid out next to him. “The man of the hour,” he said with a soft smile when he saw Sonny appear in the doorway. Sonny had texted him that he’d gotten the confession, at least enough of one, and Rafael hoped that he’d finally be able to start to put this case behind him.

Sonny gave a small smile at the compliment, but couldn’t muster up much pride in it. There was nothing about this case worth gloating over. “What are you still doing up?”

“I was waiting for you. It’s hard enough for me to sleep most of the time when you’re working, but tonight…” he trailed off.

“Well, I’m home now.” Sonny bent to kiss him. “I’m going to take a shower, but try to go to sleep, okay?”

As much as he wanted to collapse into bed, he had to wash the day away. He felt dirty, and not just from the grime that still stuck to him from where he and Dylan had landed on the vestibule floor, but the scalding water did its job and by the time he stepped out he felt a little bit more like himself. He toweled off and pulled on only a pair of briefs before stepping back into the bedroom.

He shook his head when he saw that Rafael was still in the same position he’d been in when Sonny had left the room. “You’re so stubborn. Go to sleep.”

Rafael looked up at him, his eyes trailing over him appreciatively, but then his face fell and his eyes narrowed.  

“Oh, yeah,” Sonny looked down at the focus of Rafael’s stare: a smattering of purple bruises on his ribs. “It’s just from where I tackled him. No big deal.” He slid beneath the covers, mostly so that the bruises wouldn’t be visible anymore.

It wasn’t at all rare for Sonny to come home battered and bruised, but it never made it any easier for Rafael to see.  

“No big deal,” he echoed with fake nonchalance. He closed his book, setting it and his legal pad on the nightstand, and flipping off the lamp before turning to snuggle in close to Sonny. His bare skin was still warm from his shower and he smelled of soap and shampoo and a scent that Rafael could never place except for to say that it was completely Sonny.

He draped an arm across him, his fingers gripping at Sonny’s skin as he pressed every inch of his body against him. But try as he might, he couldn’t seem to get close enough.

Sonny seemed to understand, wrapping an arm around him and holding him tight. He dropped a kiss into Rafael’s hair. “It’s okay.”

“I was so close to losing you.” It was so soft that Sonny barely heard it. “You have to promise me you’ll be careful. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I can’t—” His voice broke and Sonny’s heart broke along with it.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay,” he soothed, tilting Rafael’s face up toward his, kissing his forehead, his cheeks, and finally his mouth. “I’m always going to be here, okay?” He mumbled against Rafael’s lips between sweet, soft kisses. “I love you so much, how could I ever leave you?”

Rafael’s hand came up to grip the back of his neck, holding him close as the kisses shifted into something hungry and desperate. “I need you.” His voice was rough and filled with just as much desperation as his kisses had been.

“You have me. Always. You have all of me.”

“Show me,”  Rafael nipped at his bottom lip as he reached down to pull roughly at the waistband of Sonny’s briefs. Sonny added a hand to help the cause and the two of them managed to shove them down until they were low enough for Sonny to kick them off.

Without breaking their kiss Sonny rolled so that he had a knee on either side of Rafael’s hips. He thread his fingers through Rafael’s as he slid his own hips forward, rubbing his cock against Rafael’s tented sweatpants and he couldn’t tell if the moan he felt vibrating in his chest had come from him or Rafael. Probably both.

“Feel that?” he whispered into Rafael’s mouth. “I’m a part of you.”

Rafael kissed him again, hands playing in Sonny’s damp hair as a few tiny droplets of water shook loose and ran down Sonny’s cheek.

Finally Sonny pulled away, his need to have Rafael naked beneath him the only thing powerful enough to make him do so. Rafael helped, lifting his back and then his hips off of the mattress to aid Sonny in quickly removing his t-shirt and then his pants and boxer briefs. The last offending article of clothing hadn’t even hit the floor before Sonny was back on top of him, straddling his thighs as he bent to draw kisses from his lips, licking hungrily into his mouth.

Rafael’s hands gripped at Sonny’s hips as he lifted slightly up off the bed, searching for friction that Sonny was more than happy to give. He ground against him, rubbing their cocks together in a way that sent a shiver down his own spine.

With one last biting kiss, Sonny sat up and Rafael’s head lifted off the pillow, chasing Sonny’s lips. But he was already too far away, leaning to the side to retrieve the bottle of lube from the nightstand. Bottle in hand, he kissed his way down Rafael’s chest and torso before shifting so that he was resting comfortably between his thighs. It was almost without thought that Rafael gripped his legs behind his knees, exposing himself.

“Jesus, Raf.” Sonny dropped the bottle to the bed, so that his hands were free to palm Rafael’s ass, spreading him even wider as he ran his tongue over the tight circle of muscle before licking into him.

“Yes,” Rafael sighed when he did it again. “Yes.”

Sonny loved the taste of him and under other circumstances would be content to continue to work Rafael with his tongue, enjoying the way he squirmed against his mouth, but his own need was getting the best of him tonight. As he pulled away, Rafael whimpered at the loss of contact, but didn’t say anything, watching with pure need in his eyes as Sonny slicked up his fingers.

Sonny slowly worked a finger inside of him, reaching out with his other hand to stroke Rafael’s cock as he did so. Rafael gasped at the combination of Sonny’s hand wrapped around his dick while he fingered him, and he gripped at the sheets when Sonny added a second finger. “Fuck, Sonny.”

It didn’t take long before Sonny worked him open enough to add a third finger, his other hand pressing a thumb just under the head of Rafael’s prick, rubbing circles there. It elicited the sharp intake of breath and the jerk of Rafael’s hips that he’d known it would. “Are you ready for me, Rafi?”

“Yes, yes, please.” Sonny dropped his hand from around him and removed his fingers. Rafael felt inexplicably like he might cry at the emptiness. “Please,” he said again, broken, and Sonny scrambled forward, positioning himself at Rafael’s entrance before sliding slowly into him.

The moan that escaped him was something primal, completely involuntary, as he pushed into the tight heat of Rafael’s body. “Oh, Rafael. You feel so fucking good.”

Rafael made a noise in agreement, wrapping his legs around Sonny and lifting his hips to show him that he was ready for more. Sonny began to move within him, his hands resting on the bed as he slowly pulled out, almost completely, before sliding back into him, as deep as he could go.

He mouthed wet, sloppy kisses up Rafael’s neck and across his jaw before reaching his lips.

“Promise me,” Rafael breathed into his mouth, looking up at him with blown pupils. “Promise me you won’t leave me.”

“I promise. God, Raf, I promise. I promise.” And suddenly he needed more, needed to be even closer still. “C’mere.” It was practically a growl in Rafael’s ear and before he knew it Sonny was leaning back and Rafael was being pulled into his lap.

Rafael sucked in a breath as he became fully seated, Sonny buried so deep within him he could practically feel it in his chest.

“Are you okay?” Sonny looked up at him, his arms wrapped around his back to keep him in place.

“Perfect,” Rafael answered gripping his shoulders.

It was hard to get much leverage in this position but they managed to make it work, moving just enough to have waves of pleasure washing over both of them.

Sonny held Rafael tight against him, and when Rafael threw his head back, exposing his throat, he couldn’t help but lean forward and bite at the soft skin he found there, careful not to do it too hard.

“Harder,” Rafael panted. “Mark me, baby. Please.”

Sonny’s already racing heart kicked up a few notches. Rafael rarely used any kind of pet name. It didn’t bother Sonny, that’s who he was, but every once in awhile, when the heaviness of the day was pressing down on them or Rafael was especially lost in the sensations Sonny was sending through his body, he’d forget and let one slip.

Like now.

Even with the request, Sonny dropped his mouth a few inches, knowing that tomorrow Rafael would not be happy to have a mark where it would show. Stopping just above his collarbone, Sonny bit down, hard. Removing his teeth, he ran a soothing tongue over the mark before sucking a bruise into his skin. It would be safely hidden under Rafael’s immaculately pressed shirt the next day, but they would both know it was there.

“Again.” It was meant to be a demand, but it sounded more like a plea.

“Yeah? More?” Sonny only nipped lightly at him, reaching down between them to take Rafael’s cock in his hand, sliding his hand lazily up and down the length of him, the precome that had been dripping onto Sonny’s thighs slicking his way.

“Y—yes. I’m yours. Show me I’m yours.” Rafael stuttered as Sonny sped up his hand. His fingertips pressed deep into Sonny’s shoulders and he hoped he’d have bruises of his own.

He ran his tongue down Rafael’s neck, stopping just past the juncture where his shoulder began before biting down so hard that he tasted just the hint of blood.

As Sonny was sucking the second bruise into his skin, Rafael came, crying out as his body tensed, come coating Sonny’s hand and stomach. Sonny kept his grip on him, moving his hand slowly until every last drop was spent.

Heart still hammering and chest still heaving, Rafael slid his hands from Sonny’s shoulders to find purchase in his hair, rolling his hips sinfully and putting his lips to Sonny’s ear. “I want you to feel as good as you make me feel. What do you need?”

“Kiss me,” Sonny demanded.

Rafael had never so easily complied with a request, kissing Sonny long and deep, tugging on his hair just enough for it to sting. He swallowed Sonny’s moan as he came, feeling each pulse of his cock as he emptied himself inside of him.

“I love you.” Rafael leaned back just a bit, reaching up to brush Sonny’s hair up off of his forehead before placing a kiss there.

Sonny placed a kiss on his lips in return, tightening his arms around his back before lowering his forehead softly to Rafael’s shoulder. They couldn’t stay like that forever, his muscles were already aching, but he wanted to hold on for just a little bit longer.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many many thanks to power-bottom-barba and ships_to_sail for talking me through all of this and helping to get better work out of me. <3
> 
> Trigger warning: Panic attacks

_ Rain poured down, soaking him to the bone, and the smell of dirt filled his nostrils as he once again sank the head of the shovel down into the muddy earth. Over and over again, he dug, moving shovelfuls of soil into the pile at his right. His rain soaked hair was plastered to his forehead and raindrops stung his eyes, but still he dug.  _

_ He didn’t even know what he was looking for, but he knew he had to find it. He couldn’t rest until he did. Finally, the shovel hit something solid and he tossed it to the side, dropping to his knees in the mud and digging with his hands. Instead of something, he found nothing. Just a gaping hole that seemed to lead through to the other side of the earth. _

_ He panted, staring down into the darkness, his eyebrows furrowed. The rain picked up speed, becoming a near torrential downpour, and a sense of hopelessness overcame him. It was nearly unbearable. He thought he’d be crushed under the weight of it when a hand reached up out of the hole, grasping desperately at his knee. _

_ He jumped, his first instinct fear, but then he realized the hand was small and delicate and was trying only to be saved. He tried to take the hand in his, but everytime he reached out, his rain slicked fingers couldn’t find purchase. _

_ “Detective Carisi, please.” _

_ He leaned over the opening in the ground and saw Denia, dangling over the street, three stories up, fear in her eyes as she tried to hold on. _

_ “Come on, Denia,” he said, continuing his futile attempt to take her hand, some unseen force preventing him from succeeding. “Give me your other hand.” _

_ “Please,” Denia said again, rain pelting her in the face as she looked up at him. “Please.” _

_ Her hand slipped off of his knee and he reached out for her, his hand finally wrapping around her wrist, but at the last second it too slipped from his grasp and she fell, screaming, toward the pavement below. _

_ “Denia!” He leaned forward, desperate to catch her before it was too late, but his momentum was too great and he went tumbling into the hole after her. _

_ He landed with a thud on the grungy tile floor of a building lobby, his tailbone aching from the effort. He looked up, confused, expecting to see sky, but was only met with the seemingly never ending spiral of an old, rundown staircase. His suit was still soggy, but the rest of the space was dry, and he was grateful to no longer have the burn of raindrops in his eyes.  _

_ But his relief was short lived. A noise in the corner caught his attention and when he turned, his heart nearly froze in his chest. _

_ “Sonny.” Terror blazed in Rafael’s eyes, the cold steel of Tom Cole’s SIG Sauer pressed against his temple. _

_ Instinctively, he reached for his own gun at his hip, but came up empty. Panic seized him. _

_ “Tom,” he said, voice shaking, and he raised his hands in a calming gesture as he got to his feet. “It’s me you want, not him. Just let him go.” _

_ Tom shook his head. “It’s too late.” _

_ “No, it’s not.” He took a step forward, trying his best to keep his eyes on Cole, even though all he wanted was to look at Rafael, to tell him it would be okay. “Come on, we can all walk outta here.” _

_ “It’s too late,” Tom repeated and this time Sonny chanced a glance at Rafael. _

_ “It’s gonna be okay, Raf. I promise.” _

_ “Sonny,” was all he said again, his voice raw and afraid. “Sonny, I—” _

_ The gunshot echoed in the small space and the ringing in Sonny’s ears made him disoriented. He spun, searching for Rafael as the room inexplicably filled with a hazy smoke. “Raf! Rafael!” _

“Sonny. Sonny, come on. Wake up.”

Sonny’s chest heaved as he finally opened his eyes, blinking rapidly. The room was dark, but thanks to the streetlights outside he could make out Rafael, hovering over him, running a hand lovingly over his clammy forehead and through his sweat dampened hair.

“You’re alright,” Rafael said soothingly, worried green eyes searching Sonny’s blue. “It was a bad one.” It wasn’t a question. It had taken him longer than usual to pull Sonny out of it, long enough that it had a bit of panic fluttering in his chest.

Sonny just nodded. His throat felt raw. He must have been yelling in his sleep.

“Want to talk about it?” Rafael asked, continuing to run reassuring fingers through Sonny’s hair. It was just as much a comfort to himself as it was to Sonny.

“No,” Sonny rasped in a voice that barely sounded like his own. It was the last thing he wanted, to rehash all of the worst things that had happened to him, to put to words to the terror of seeing a gun to Rafael’s head.

“I’ll go get you some water.”

“No,” Sonny said again, holding tight to Rafael, keeping him from going anywhere. “Just stay here.”

“Okay, okay.” Rafael settled back down onto the bed, back against the pillows and Sonny pressed up against him, head on his chest. “Go back to sleep. I’ll be here.”

Sonny’s only response was to squeeze him tighter.

They stayed that way, Rafael continuing to thread gentle fingers through Sonny’s hair, and after awhile, Sonny’s breathing deepened again. Rafael’s did not. His eyes remained open, looking off into the darkness, staring at nothing.

He’d thought—he’d hoped—that arresting Dylan would start to put Sonny’s mind at ease, but tonight’s nightmare had seemed worse than usual, and waking him up and comforting him was as far as his expertise extended on the matter. And it wasn’t enough.

Rafael must have finally nodded off because when his alarm sounded, the sun streamed through the windows and the bed next to him was empty.

Rolling over to reach for his phone, he smiled when he saw a mug of still steaming coffee sitting on the nightstand. It was that stupid mug Sonny had bought him last Valentine’s Day with the scales of justice printed on it and ‘Make it legal, do it with a lawyer,’ written underneath. Of course Rafael had scoffed and rolled his eyes when he’d read it the first time, but if it happened to be the mug he used the most, well then, that was just coincidence.

He propped himself up on an elbow and turned off the alarm on his phone before reaching for the coffee, only then noticing the note that was pinned underneath it.  _ Caught a case. Love you. _

It surprised him that he’d managed to sleep through the call that had awoken Sonny in addition to all of his morning routine. Normally Rafael was a light sleeper, but the late night coupled with waking up with Sonny’s nightmare had apparently been enough to knock him out. If only it had been for longer. He hoped that Sonny felt more rested than he did.

He drained the coffee and then hauled himself out of bed and into the shower. He had Dylan’s arraignment that morning and felt a little relieved that Sonny had caught a case and wouldn’t be in attendance. Now that they’d be going to trial, Sonny wouldn’t really be involved, and that was a good thing in his opinion.

He just hoped he could convince Sonny of the same.

* * *

The one thing Rafael hated most was being caught off guard, followed closely by incompetence. That morning he’d been hit with both and, combined with a severe lack of sleep, it had him seeing red as he stormed off of the elevator and into the squadroom. There wasn’t a detective to be found, which only served to fuel his anger. 

He decided to try Olivia’s office and found the first bit of happiness he’d felt in hours, and that was only because he’d happened upon all three subjects of his ire.

“Would any of you care to explain to me,” he said, interrupting whatever meeting Olivia, Rollins, and Sonny were having, not caring in the slightest what it had been about, “why, after arraigning Dylan Connors, did his counsel hand me a motion to suppress the confession?”

“What?” Rollins and Olivia asked almost simultaneously.

“On what grounds?” Of course that was Sonny.

“She says he asked for a lawyer and you continued to question him anyway.”

“What? No he didn’t,” Sonny shook his head. “Well, he did at the end, but—”

“Did he or didn’t he?” Rafael interrupted. “First you all let some 18-year-old kid elude you for days and then you pull this amateur bullshit. Can none of you do your jobs properly?”

“Hey, Rafa, why don’t we calm down,” Olivia said from behind her desk, holding up her hands. “I was watching the whole time. He didn’t lawyer up until after the confession and Carisi and Rollins immediately left the room.”

“That’s not what they’re saying.” Rafael crossed his arms, still pissed but trying to reign it in. “Dylan’s lawyer said he asked for a lawyer _before_ the confession. I need to know exactly what happened, word for word, which I’d already know if you’d managed to get your report to me before the arraignment.”

“We caught a case and—”

Rafael held up a hand, cutting Rollins off and ignoring the glare she sent his way. “I don’t need your excuses. I need to know what happened.”

Sonny walked him through it, recalling almost word for word his conversation with Dylan the evening before.

“Wait, so he did mention a lawyer.” Rafael interrupted again.

“All he said was, ‘I’m not stupid enough to talk to you without a lawyer,’ but then he kept talking anyway,” Sonny explained, leaning back against the window that allowed them to see into the currently empty interview room.

“No, he brought up a lawyer, and then you manipulated him into continuing.” Rafael shook his head. “I would expect this from some junior detective or something, but not you. You’re a lawyer for Christ’s sake. I should contact the New York Bar and have them revoke your license.”

Sonny’s eyes narrowed. “That interrogation was textbook.  _ Dylan _ decided to continue.”

“Did he sign a Miranda waiver?” Rafael challenged as Olivia and Rollins watched them with wide eyes, heads moving back and forth like they were taking in a tennis match.

“It was an implied waiver and you know it. And if you can’t win that motion, a motion that any two bit lawyer could win, well, that’s on you, not us.”

“Barba,” Olivia cautioned when she saw the anger that flashed in Rafael’s eyes, knowing that something cruel—even more so than he’d already been—was on the tip of his tongue. He turned it on her instead. “Where were you when this was happening? Or you?” He looked at Rollins. “Both of you should know better.”

“Hey, leave them out of this, they—”

“Carisi, it’s fine,” Olivia said calmly. This was not her first time going a round with Rafael and she was sure it wasn’t her last. “Barba, you know as well as I do this kind of thing happens all the time. He didn’t actually ask for a lawyer, he continued talking, it’s a textbook implied waiver.”

“If one of you says the word ‘textbook’ to me one more time, I swear to God,” Rafael warned, pinching the bridge of his nose, but the fight was gone from his tone. “Just please get me the report so I can prepare for the hearing tomorrow.”

He walked out just as he’d walked in, pissed and without pleasantries. He was starting to regret not just handing this case over to DiCarlo from the beginning. He doubted she’d want the mess now.

“Rafa!”

He’d just made it to the elevator and turned with a sigh, “What, Liv? I’m not really—” He stopped when he saw the stricken look on her face. “What is it?”

“You need to come back. It’s Carisi. He—”

She didn’t get a chance to finish. Rafael was already rushing past her, going back into the squadroom. She wasn’t far behind him.

In Olivia’s office Sonny was sitting on the floor, knees to his chest, under the window where he’d been leaning just minutes before, but what worried Rafael was the hideous wheezing noise that was coming from his throat.

“You’re okay, just breathe, Carisi.” Amanda’s voice was surprisingly soothing and Rafael was reminded that the hardass that he worked with on a daily basis was also a mother. She was kneeling on the floor next to Sonny, hand on his knee as she continued to assure him that he was fine.

Rafael dropped to the floor on Sonny’s other side. “What’s wrong?” he asked Amanda, eyes wide. “Did you call a bus?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think he needs one.”

Sonny wheezed again and Rafael reached up with shaky hands, loosening Sonny’s tie and unbuttoning the collar of his shirt, not sure at all that it would help. “Are you sure? Because it sounds like he can’t fucking breathe.”

“It’s just a panic attack,” Rollins told him, something certain in her voice. “Trust me, I know what they look like.”

Rafael looked back and forth between Sonny, whose pretty face was red and clammy, to Rollins who looked completely sure of her diagnosis.

“Okay, Sonny, I need you to breathe for me okay?” Rafael ran a hand over his hair, down the back of his neck, landing between Sonny’s shoulder blades where he rubbed soothing circles over his suit jacket.

He put another hand on his wrist, using his fingers to feel Sonny’s pulse and he threw a worried look at Rollins when he felt that his heart was racing. 

“Maybe we should call,” Olivia said from behind them when it didn’t seem that Sonny was improving. If anything his breathing was even more shallow.

Sonny started shaking his head, almost violently, trying to protest, but only strangled sounds came out instead of words.

“Sonny,” Rafael pleaded as Sonny began to rock back and forth, his fingers digging into his own thighs.

He rocked himself with such force that his head hit the wall with a sickening thud and that had Rafael sitting up on his knees. He put a hand behind Sonny’s head, holding it gently so that he wouldn’t hurt himself again, even as he continued sway back and forth. Rafael felt the scrape of the wall against his knuckles, but better his knuckles than Sonny’s head.  

“Sonny, baby, I need you to look at me. Please.” It took a moment but Sonny slowed his frantic movements, his, wide, terrified eyes meeting Rafael’s. “Deep breaths. Just try to take some deep breaths for me, okay? I’m here and you’re going to be okay. Just breathe.”

Sonny continued to wheeze, but the next one went on for a bit longer, and the one after that was longer still, which meant that he was getting a little bit more air into his lungs.

“That’s it,” Rafael said softly. “That’s it, you can do it. Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.”

It took a while, but the wheezes turned to rasps, and eventually Sonny’s breathing had almost completely returned to normal. He leaned his head back against the wall, wincing at the effort of filling his lungs with air, but reveling in the oxygen all the same.

“I’m...I’m sorry,” he managed to get out, his voice rough from the battle his throat and lungs had just fought.

“Don’t apologize.” Rafael brushed back the hair that had fallen over his forehead. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Sonny took some more time, head back and eyes closed, breathing in deep, grateful breaths and once he was able to get back on his feet, Olivia ordered him to go home for the rest of the day. Sonny tried to argue, but she wasn’t having it and he didn’t have the energy to put up much of a fight.

Rafael secured a Lyft for the both of them and in the back of the car Sonny protested when he called Carmen, telling her that he’d be working from home for the remainder of the day and asking that she messenger over a couple of files that he’d be needing.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Sonny grumbled when he ended the call. “I’m fine.”

Rafael didn’t respond, only gripped his hand, and neither of them said another word until they were inside their apartment.

“Do you want to go bed?” Rafael asked, hanging up his coat in the hall closet and removing his suit jacket. “I can bring you some tea.” Normally he’d balk at even the thought of making tea, but he didn’t think Sonny needed caffeine at the moment.

“No. I’m not sick,” Sonny said petulantly. “I want to go back to work.”

“Sonny,” Rafael sighed, something pleading in his tone.

“What?”

Rafael sank onto the couch, suddenly exhausted, rubbing a hand over his face. “We need to talk about this. Please,” he added when Sonny continued to stand, his jaw set and his arms crossed.

“I don’t know what there is to talk about,” he said even if he gave in and joined Rafael on the couch, but as far away as the piece of furniture would allow.

Rafael scoffed. “You’re kidding me, right?”

Sonny just stared at him.

“The nightmares, the way you’ve been tiptoeing in gray areas at work, risking your life, and now you’re having panic attacks in the precinct? It’s not healthy.”

Sonny crossed his arms again, looking at Rafael pointedly. “I had a panic attack at the precinct because you basically attacked me and my ability to do my job in front of my lieutenant.”

Rafael didn’t bother to point out that this was not the first time that he’d done that and it had never resulted in a panic attack before. “That’s not why it happened.”

“It’s not?”

“No,” Rafael shook his head. “It happened because in your zealousness to close this case, you messed up  _ again _ , and you couldn’t take it. The thought that you’d let Denia down, that you’d be the reason that she wouldn’t get justice, was too much.”

“Thank you, Dr. Barba,” Sonny said sarcastically, reminding Rafael of a time when he’d mocked Sonny in the same way. It seemed so long ago. “Wherever did you find the time to go to medical school?”

“That’s just it, Sonny.” Rafael reached up, tugging his tie loose. “I’m not a doctor and I have to admit that this is all beyond my expertise. I can’t help you, not the way that you need it and it’s killing me.” The pain in his voice was enough to have Sonny softening a bit. It took a lot for Rafael to admit that he couldn’t do something. “You’re hurting so much and I can’t do anything about it and it’s  _ killing  _ me,” he repeated. “And I know you may not have any regard for yourself, but I know that you love me, so can you do this, for me? Can you please go talk to someone?”

Sonny closed the distance between them, his heart hurting at the mere idea that he’d caused Rafael any kind of pain. He took Rafael’s face in his hands, kissing him soundly, as he threw a leg over his hips, setting into place with a knee on either side of his thighs.

“It doesn’t have to be the department doctor,” Rafael said between Sonny’s kisses, trying his best to keep the conversation going. “We can find you someone with no affiliation.”

Sonny nipped at his lips before slipping his tongue between them, grinding down onto his lap so that he could feel him even through the fabric separating them.

“Sonny,” Rafael said calmly as Sonny began kissing his jaw and down his neck, shifting back just enough that he could reach the button on Rafael’s pants. “Sonny,” he said again, more forcefully. “Stop.” He put his hands on Sonny’s stopping their movements before dropping them and refastening his pants.

Sonny frowned. “The last time you yelled at me at work I got to fuck you into oblivion and this time I get a shrink?”

Rafael sighed, “Can you please—” The sound of Sonny’s phone beeping interrupted him. “Ignore it.”

“It might be work,” Sonny said, like he was still on call and hadn’t been sent home for being on the verge of a mental break down. He didn’t move from Rafael’s lap, just shifted so that he could fetch his phone from his pocket. His face fell as he read the message. “The lieu says that since tomorrow is Friday, I should take the day and we can see where I’m at on Monday.”

“Good,” Rafael said, his hands resting on Sonny’s thighs. “I’ll see what strings I can pull to get you in to see someone tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Panic threatened to take hold of him again. “No good doctor would have an opening that soon.”

“The longer you put this off…” Rafael trailed off and Sonny’s brow furrowed.

“What? The crazier I get?”

Rafael tilted his head, looking up at him, his eyes sad. “Stop. You’re not crazy.”

“If I’m not crazy, then why are you making me do this?” His voice broke and Rafael felt it in the depths of his soul.

“I’m not making you do anything. I promise. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to, but Sonny,” he reached up and placed a loving hand on his face, “I really think you should. I love you and I’m worried about you. You’ve been taking crazy risks and disregarding your own safety and I just...I’m scared, okay?”

Sonny did his best to swallow the lump in his throat, but it didn’t go away, aching as tears burned at his eyes. “I’m scared too, Raf.”

“I know you are,” Rafael said, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close as Sonny dropped his head to his shoulder. “But it’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“I know that I’m—that I’m broken, but please don’t give up on me,” Sonny whispered into Rafael’s neck, his warm tears soaking through the shoulder of Rafael’s striped shirt.

“Never,” Rafael hugged him even tighter. “Never.”

* * *

Sonny didn’t know who Rafael had talked to or what favors he had to cash in, but the next morning Sonny found himself in the small office of a very reputable—if the internet was to be believed—psychiatrist. He didn’t want to be here. At all. 

It had taken every ounce of willpower to leave the apartment that morning, to wish Rafael good luck at the motion hearing and walk the few blocks to the subway that would bring him here. It was terrifying, the thought of opening himself up to a complete stranger, and even scarier still thinking about what she’d conclude when he did. What if she didn’t think he should be a cop anymore? Then what?

Then, he supposed, he could give Rafael what he wanted and begin practicing law.

Another thought that frightened him. He was a good cop, a great cop even. He didn’t know if he’d be a good lawyer. He had the knowledge, he wouldn’t have passed the Bar if he didn’t, but that didn’t mean anything. What if he failed miserably? Then he wouldn’t be any good to anyone.

“Mr. Carisi?”

He jumped, ripped from his mental spiral by the cheerful receptionist. “Yes?”

“Dr. Sawyer will see you now.”

“Thanks.” Sonny stood, running a nervous hand through his hair as he made his way over to the doctor’s door. He put his hand on the knob, took a deep breath—still a glorious feeling after the day before—and pushed it open.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sonny's panic attack is based on personal experiences as well as those of friends. I know everyone has different experiences and it is in no way meant to be representative of everyone with anxiety.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to power-bottom-barba for all the help with this chapter.
> 
> Only one more chapter to go after this one. Thanks to all of you who have stuck it out with me! <3

“Well that sucked,” Olivia commented, meeting Rafael in the back of the courtroom. 

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious.” He shoved open the door and she followed him through it.

Even with the dressing down he’d given SVU the previous day, he’d never thought for a second that the judge would actually rule in favor of the defense. It was a gray area, but the argument for an implied waiver was a strong one. However, Dylan’s attorney had argued that he was young and uncertain and had been taken advantage of by the detectives even though he’d tried exercise his right to an attorney.

And the judge had sided with her. The confession was out.

“How screwed are we?” Olivia asked as he jabbed at the call button for the elevator.

“Royally.”

They stepped onto the elevator and Olivia pulled her phone out, texting Rollins and Fin an update and asking them to go over everything yet again. “We’ll try to get you something.”

“It needs to be something good. Right now, there’s no way we get a conviction.” They stepped out into the cold where snow swirled and coated the sidewalks in a layer of slush, and started for the stairs. “I’m going to be working from home the rest of the day, but I’ll be reachable if you find anything.”

“How’s Carisi doing?” she asked, assuming correctly that he was the reason Barba would be working from home.

Rafael sighed and it came out in a puff of condensation, blowing away on the icy wind. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“You’re my friend, but you’re also his boss and that’s making things complicated. I think I owe it to him, especially right now, to keep his confidence.” He trusted Olivia in a way that he trusted few people, but Sonny had to come first, especially now when he had begun the work to get healthy.

As soon as they hit the sidewalk he made a beeline for the coffee cart, clearly needing caffeine more than he needed the warmth a car home would provide at the moment. He rattled off his order and then looked at Liv questioningly, but she shook her head.

“I can separate the two, you know,” Olivia said once he had his coffee. “But I understand. Just know that I’m here for both of you and I only want what’s best for Carisi.”

“I know you do. And right now, what’s best for him is for me to abide by his wishes.” He glanced up the street, frowning. “I’ll never catch a cab in this weather. Can you hold this please?” He handed her his briefcase so he had a free hand to pull out his phone and call for a Lyft. “Don’t walk back in this, the precinct’s on the way. We’ll do two stops.”

He finished ordering the Lyft and tucked his phone back in his coat pocket, looking up to find Olivia looking at him, a soft smile on her face.

“What?”

“Marriage has turned you into a softie.”

He rolled his eyes, taking his briefcase from her. “Oh please, when would I ever have made you walk in a snowstorm?”

“I can think of a few times.”

He chuckled. “Good point.”

* * *

Even though it wasn’t rush hour, the weather had traffic snarled even more so than usual and it took him nearly an hour to get uptown. By the time he walked into their apartment, snow melting on his shoes and dripping onto the hardwood, he was jonesing for another cup of coffee. 

The apartment felt empty, but he called out for Sonny anyway. His appointment had been a few hours ago and he should have been home by now. After hanging up his coat and scarf, Rafael headed for the kitchen, pulling out his phone to tap out a quick text to Sonny, inquiring as to his whereabouts. 

He set to work making coffee, leaning against the counter checking emails while it brewed. He frowned when it was done and Sonny still hadn’t responded. He tried calling him. It just rang and rang before going to voicemail.

Rafael tried to stop the panic that began to rise up within him. There were a million reasons why Sonny was unreachable, he told himself, trying to let logic prevail. Maybe after his appointment he’d caught a movie or went to a museum and turned his phone off. He was sure he’d hear back soon.

Half an hour later, the coffee was nearly gone and there was still no word from Sonny. He wanted to reach out to Olivia or his sisters to see if they’d heard from him, but he didn’t want to worry them too.

He poured the last of the coffee into that ridiculous ‘Do it with a lawyer’ mug and picked up his phone to try calling him again. He’d just put the phone to his ear when he heard a key turn in the apartment door. He ended the call and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms while he listened to Sonny shuffle around, taking off his shoes and hanging up his coat.

When he rounded the corner into the kitchen he nearly jumped out of his skin. “Jesus, Raf. You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing home?”

“Well, I was going to work from home so that I could be with you, but I haven’t really been able to get much done since I’ve been worried about you for the last forty-five minutes.” Now that the fear and anxiety were subsiding, they were replaced with irritation.

“Worried about me? Why?”

“Maybe because you haven’t answered any of my calls or texts.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Sonny pulled his phone out from his back pocket. “I put it on silent for my appointment and I guess I forgot to turn it back on.”

“Where were you?”

“I went for a swim. It was...kind of a lot and I just needed to clear my head.”

Only now did Rafael notice his damp hair where melting crystals of ice clung to the strands. “And then you went out in this mess with wet hair? You’re going to catch pneumonia.” 

“I’m fine.” 

Rafael took his hand, pulling him into the bathroom. “Sit.” Sonny did as he was told while Rafael fetched a towel from the cabinet, draping it over Sonny’s head and rubbing it roughly over his hair.

“Damn, Raf, you’re gonna rip my head off,” Sonny complained.

“Sorry,” Rafael said, and even sounded it for once, slowing his hands down, his touch more gentle. “So it was bad, huh?” he asked after a few moments of silence.

“Not bad…” Sonny thought a moment. “Just a lot to think about.”

“Anything I can help with?” Satisfied that he’d gotten most of the snow and ice out of Sonny’s hair and at least warmed his scalp, Rafael tossed the towel in the hamper. He moved around in front of him, standing between his knees, continuing to run fingers through his hair more out of comfort than utility.

“Not really.” He practically moaned when Rafael’s strong fingers began massaging his scalp. “Is it okay if we don’t talk about it? At least not yet?”

“Of course,” Rafael agreed easily even though it took real effort not to continue to pry. “But tell me one thing, do you think you’ll keep going?” He tried not to sound too hopeful. If Sonny didn’t agree to continued sessions, he wasn’t sure what to do.

“Yeah, I do.” As much as he was enjoying Rafael’s hands on him, Sonny reached up, wrapping long fingers around his wrists to bring fingertips to his lips. “Thank you for making me go.”

“Thank you for going.” Rafael leaned down to kiss him briefly, but then decided that wasn’t enough, pressing their lips together again and tilting his head to fit them together more easily, resting his hands against Sonny’s chest. Finally, he pulled away, sighing. “I guess I should actually try and get some work done now that I know you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere.”

Sonny rolled his eyes at Rafael’s dramatics and followed him into the kitchen. “Speaking of work…” he trailed off, but Rafael knew exactly to what he was referring.

He set to work putting another pot of coffee to brew, buying time, but finally turned, resting his back against the counter. “I lost.”

It didn’t go unnoticed by Sonny that it wasn’t ‘we lost,’ or ‘they won’ or ‘the judge sided with the defense,’ but ‘I lost.’ He couldn’t help but feel like he’d put a little bit of that burden on Rafael’s shoulders with his comments the day before. Rafael put enough pressure on himself without Sonny adding to it.

“We still have the fingerprint,” Sonny said, trying his best to sound optimistic.

Rafael shook his head. “It’s only an eleven point match on a partial. The defense will argue that there’s no way to be certain that it’s actually Dylan’s print.”

Sonny knew that, but he didn’t need it pointed out to him when he was trying to be hopeful. “The coat fibers then. The fibers under Denia’s nails matched Dylan’s coat.”

“And how many people in New York own that same coat? If you don’t know, I’m sure the defense will tell us.”

Sonny frowned. “Do you always have to be so damn pessimistic?”

“No, but I do have to be pragmatic.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, suddenly looking tired. “I know you want this.  _ I  _ want this. But I need you to use that brilliant mind of yours instead of your heart. We can’t win this. Not with what we have.”

“We’ll find something,” Sonny assured him. “Now that we know where to look, there’s gotta be something.”

“I hope you’re right,” Rafael said genuinely.

“But…” Sonny prompted, crossing his arms.

“But until you do, I’m not going to move forward with the murder and rape charges.”

“Raf—“

“I will, however,” Rafael continued, talking over Sonny’s protests. “Hand the case over to ADA DiCarlo so that she can pursue two counts of attempted murder, in addition to a count of assaulting a police officer and other charges.”

“He did not try to kill me!” Sonny practically shouted with exasperation. “And assault? Are you kidding?”

Even with Sonny’s outburst, Rafael remained even keeled. “Did he or did he not discharge a firearm of which the result was bodily injury of a police officer?”

“The gun went off because I charged at him and it was barely a scratch.” Sonny wouldn’t relent.

“Do you want to see this kid behind bars or not?”

“Yes, but I want him to be punished for what he did to Denia, not some made up charge that makes me out to be the victim. She deserves justice.”

“She does, but this may be our only shot,” Rafael softened. “No one is saying you can’t keep working the case. Charges can always be brought later, but I’m handing it over.”

“Just like that, without caring what I think?”

“I’m doing this  _ for  _ you, even if you can’t see that.” He turned then, under the guise of pouring a cup of coffee from the now full pot, but mostly so he no longer had to look at the hurt in Sonny’s eyes.

“How much coffee have you had today?” Sonny asked, voice loving, and Rafael knew that he’d won, at least for now.

“I don’t know,” Rafael answered honestly, grabbing some cream from the refrigerator and splashing it into his mug.

“And I’m going to go out on a limb and say you haven’t eaten anything today either.”

“Wrong,” Rafael said triumphantly, turning back around to face him. “I had half a muffin right before court.”

“My mistake,” Sonny said sarcastically, coming around the island. “You’re the picture of health.”

“And what have you eaten today?” Rafael asked knowingly.

“Okay, but I haven’t had two gallons of coffee.” Sonny kissed the side of his head on his way toward the refrigerator. “But you’re right. I’m going to make us some lunch.”

Sonny started pulling out the fixings for sandwiches, about all he had the energy to make at the moment, and Rafael didn’t argue. Instead he pulled his phone from his pocket, reading emails that he missed while waiting for, and taking care of, Sonny.

Every now and then he’d sigh at something particularly stupid that a defense attorney had written or grumbled at a request for yet another meeting and Sonny smiled. It made for a perfect soundtrack as he layered wheat bread with turkey, cheese, lettuce, and tomato.

He was just finishing up when the door buzzer went off.

“I’ll get it,” Rafael offered, disappearing into the other room.

The messenger at the door looked miserable, bundled up and coated in melting snow. He handed Rafael the padded envelope in his hand before forcefully holding out a clipboard. Rafael scrawled his signature, knowing as soon as the man went back outside the ink that made up his name would bleed and warp just as the names above his had already.

“Have a nice day,” he said cordially as the man turned away. He only got a grunt in response. He didn’t know why but that entertained him and he chuckled as he closed the door. Recognizing his name and address in Carmen’s handwriting on the front he tore open the envelope.

There was a smaller, padded envelope inside, a post-it from Carmen on the front.

_ This was delivered to the office, but I thought you’d want it before Monday. Have a great weekend! -Carmen _

Rafael grinned when he recognized the logo on the envelope.

“Who was it?” Sonny asked, carrying two plates into the living room.

“Messenger,” Rafael held up the envelope. “Look what finally came.”

Sonny squinted to make out the logo from across the room, but then a smile spread across his face. “Grab your laptop, I’ll get our drinks.”

They settled on the couch, plates with their sandwiches and glasses of water on the coffee table, while Rafael inserted the flash drive that had been in the envelope into his laptop.

“Wait,” he said, something catching his eye.

“Raf,” Sonny complained. “We’ve been waiting weeks for this. Come on.”

“No.” Rafael leaned over the laptop, snagging the pickle spear off of his plate and putting it on Sonny’s. “Do we have to do this every time? If you want two pickles, just take two pickles. Now there is juice on my plate.”

“You eat them on Cuban sandwiches,” Sonny deflected. “I figure someday you’ll realize how great they are on their own.”

“I eat them on Cubanos so I’m not disowned.”

“Fine,” Sonny said like it was some great hardship. “I guess I’ll just eat yours then.”

Rafael stared at him a moment, almost as if he was contemplating their entire relationship, but Sonny nudged him playfully. “Come  _ on _ . I want to see them.”

“Okay, okay,” he rolled his eyes, but he was excited too as he clicked open one of the files on the flash drive.

There were hundreds of photos on the drive, all from their wedding day. They clicked through every single one, reliving the moments they’d been a part of and enjoying some that they hadn’t witnessed on the day.

There were the formal shots of everyone, the wedding party, their families. Sonny and Rafael surrounded by what seemed to be a hundred Carisis. Both of them with Lucia. They were great, but it was the candids that they really loved.

Rafael’s breath caught in his throat at a series of shots of Sonny getting ready, long fingers tying his bow tie—a skill he’d picked up just for that occasion—his reflection gorgeous in the full length mirror.

“I told you I’m hot, Raf,” Sonny joked when he saw the look on his husband’s face, but it warmed the blood in his veins to know that Rafael could still have that kind of reaction to him.

“And humble,” Rafael commented, clicking through the photos.

There were great shots of the ceremony, tears in both their eyes as they recited their vows, and the reception afterward. Rafael smiled at a shot of Sonny gently feeding him a piece of cake and remembered warning him beforehand, “You shove that in my face and I’m leaving.”

The farther in they got, the drunker everyone became, and the more entertaining the pictures. At some point apparently Fin had given Rollins a piggy back ride around the dance floor only for them both to end up on the ground.

He paused on a photo of he and Sonny dancing. His hand was in Sonny’s, his other arm wrapped lovingly around his back, but it was the look on his face that had him staring at the picture. He was looking up at Sonny like he was the only person in the entire world, a wide, open grin on his face.

No wonder Sonny knew that Rafael was putty in his hands if that’s how he was going around looking at him. He should be embarrassed at how sappy it was, but he couldn’t find it in him. Instead, he leaned over, kissing the corner of Sonny’s mouth. “I love you.”

Sonny smiled, turning so he could capture Barba’s lips with his fully this time. “I love you, too. This was a great day, huh?”

“It was,” Rafael agreed, thinking that every day with Sonny was pretty great, but he didn’t say it. He couldn’t go completely mushy.

“What’s this folder?” Sonny pointed to the only file they hadn’t opened when they’d gone through all the others. “Oh man! The photo booth,” he exclaimed excitedly when Rafael clicked it open. “I forgot that digital copies of every photo were included in the package we bought.”

It was a treasure trove, all of their friends and family members laughing playfully, holding silly props and striking ridiculous poses.

“Okay, now I know I was drunk if you got me into the photo booth,” Rafael said, stopping on one of he and Sonny standing side by side in front of the sparkling background, both of them wearing sunglasses. Rafael in his aviators and Sonny in his Ray Bans.

Sonny smirked at him. “You were barely buzzed and you loved it. I practically had to drag you out of there.”

Rafael ignored the accusation. “Why did we even have our sunglasses with us?”

Sonny shrugged. “Oh, this is a good one.”

In the next photo, the sunglasses were gone, and the two of them were kissing, profiles visible as Sonny placed a loving hand on the side of Rafael’s neck, his thumb caressing his cheek.

“ _ Kissing _ photo booth pictures? I was definitely drunk,” Rafael snarked, but he had to admit it was a great picture.

When they finally made it through them all they resisted the urge to start from the beginning again, and instead picked up their abandoned sandwiches.

“I’m sorry that—“ Sonny started then stopped, chewing and looking contemplative.

“Sorry for what?” Rafael asked.

Sonny took a deep breath. “I’m sorry if being married to me isn’t what you thought it would be. I know I used to be, like, this really upbeat person and lately, well, you know. And I just feel like it’s not what you signed up for.”

“See, that’s the thing,” Rafael said with a tilt of his head. “I signed up for all of it. All of you. Okay?”

Sonny nodded and it seemed like this time his words actually sank in. “Okay.”

* * *

The weekend passed by uneventfully, which was just what they needed. They read and went to lunch and after Sunday mass Sonny climbed back into bed and they did the crossword together. It was one of those perfect, relaxing weekends that was so rare, but eventually Monday came around and the real world came creeping back in.

Sonny met with Olivia first thing, assuring her that he was okay and promising to continue his counseling sessions. She’d smiled, proud of him for seeking help, and then filled him in on a case they’d caught on Friday.

At first Rollins and Fin treated him as if he might break any second, but as the day wore on they fell back into their old rhythms, which mainly consisted of the two of them busting his chops. He didn’t mind though, it was better than being handled with kid gloves.

A little after lunchtime, Rafael strolled into the squadroom, a rectangle gift box in his hand.

“Hey,” Sonny greeted him from behind his desk with a smile. “Didn’t expect you today.”

“I wanted to bring you this.” Rafael handed him the box.

“What is it?”

“Just open it,” Rafael instructed. “And you might find out.”

Sonny pulled the ribbon off the box and then removed the lid. A grin broke out across his face. Inside was a dark picture frame, displaying the photo from their wedding of the two of them dancing, Rafael gazing up at him with pure affection.

“For your desk,” Rafael explained unnecessarily. “I think it’s my favorite one. You can pick out your favorite and I’ll put it on my desk.”

“What if it’s the same one?” Sonny asked, moving items aside on his desk so the picture could have a prominent place.

“Well, then we’ll have a matching set.”

“Can you two chill over there? I just had lunch,” Fin complained from his desk.

Rafael gave Sonny an evil grin before turning to Fin. “You know, Sergeant, now that I know all of this vitriol stems from jealousy, it makes so much sense.”

Rollins guffawed and Fin narrowed his eyes at Sonny. “You told him about that? You know that’s not what I meant.”

“It’s okay, I totally get it.” Rafael winked at him. “I’m quite a catch.”

“Man,” Fin grumbled, turning back to his computer while the others laughed at his expense.

“What’d I miss?” Olivia asked, coming out of her office just as the laughter was dying off.

“Nothing,” Fin said forcefully before anyone else could answer.

“Okay…” Olivia knew sometimes it was better to just let things go. “Barba what brings you by?”

“You mean besides to be a pain in the ass?” Fin mumbled.

“Actually,” Rafael said, rising from his perch on the edge of Sonny’s desk, all business now. “I wanted to tell you all in person that I’m not moving forward with rape and murder charges on the Merlo case.”

“What?” Rollins demanded, all earlier sense of mirth gone.

“With the confession out, we don’t have enough,” he explained yet again. “However, the DA’s office will pursue attempted murder charges for both Sonny and Valeria Merlo as well as assaulting a police officer.

“And since I can’t prosecute my own husband’s assault case, I’ll be handing it over to ADA DiCarlo.”

“But we know he did it,” Rollins complained.

“If only you could prove it beyond a reasonable doubt,” Rafael shot back.

“It’s the right thing,” Sonny jumped in when he saw that Rollins wasn’t going to drop it.

She looked between Sonny and Barba, a united front. “I hope you’re right.”

Again, Sonny spoke before Rafael could, not a single shred of doubt in his voice. “He is.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone who read, gave kudos, or commented on this fic. It means the world that you've stuck this out with me and allowed me to indulge in the joy of writing married Barisi. It's truly been such a blast and it means so much that so many of you enjoyed this as much as I did. 
> 
> Special thank you to the Fight Garden for being with me every step of the way for this fic and stepping in with encouragement, ideas, and even writing passages when I couldn't find it in myself to do so. I'm so lucky to have you all in my life. <3
> 
> And for those of you who are sad to see this end, there may be more in store for our favorite married couple...

_ Three Months Later _

 

The day was warm and bright, and Sonny tilted his face up to the sun, letting it warm his face as he inhaled the scent of flowers and freshly cut grass and the unmistakable scent of the Hudson River, not usually a pleasant smell, but today he’d take it. It seemed as if winter had finally let go of its death grip on the city and he’d never been more grateful.

Winter in New York was always unpleasant, but this past one had been brutal—not that it had anything to do with the weather—and Sonny was happy to finally put it behind him.

He felt a squeeze against his hand and he looked over at Rafael, a smile on his face. “This was a great idea, Raf. It’s beautiful out today.”

“It’s really the only acceptable way of looking at New Jersey,” Rafael allowed, but he squeezed Sonny’s hand again and his smile mirrored his husband’s.

It had been a stressful week for all of them, but especially Sonny, as Dylan Connors stood trial for attempted murder and assault. He’d made a lot of progress these last few months, visiting his therapist regularly and being more open with Rafael when he was feeling overwhelmed. Rafael had been afraid that he’d regress, but so far he’d been steady, even through his own testimony.

And with closing arguments taking place on Friday afternoon, giving the jury only one hour of deliberations before the weekend, Rafael had been doing his best to keep Sonny’s mind off of it. Yesterday they’d taken the ferry to Brooklyn to participate in one of Sonny’s favorite pastimes: spending hours exploring every inch of Ikea. They’d come away with several bags and a delivery scheduled for the following week. It had been followed by dinner at Pappardella, an Italian restaurant just a block away from their apartment and one of Sonny’s favorites.

Today had begun with a stroll in Riverside Park. Rafael was planning to follow it up with lunch and then a trip to the Strand. He and Sonny loved getting lost in the stacks and stacks of books. They’d split up and find the aisles that held their individual interests, meeting at the end to show off their finds, usually with at least one or two volumes they’d picked out for the other.

Sonny knew what Rafael was doing, but he wasn’t going to object to doing his favorite things with his favorite person, so he went along with it happily.

It had been tough at first. When the began it had brought all of his guilt over not getting justice for Denia to the surface all over again, but as the week wore on he found himself coping better than he thought he would.

Despite his firm stance on Rafael’s side of the line with Rollins in the squad room all those months ago, it had taken him much longer to actually believe his words, but by the time closing arguments were over he had to admit that Rafael had been right all along. Danielle DiCarlo was a more than capable ADA—who had willingly put up with Rafael looking over her shoulder every step of the way—and it was better for Dylan to be brought to trial for  _ something _ . It wasn’t the perfect outcome, but he’d accepted it.  

He heard the unmistakable sound of an aluminum bat hitting a ball and turned his head toward the small cluster of baseball fields to their right. Colorful uniforms abounded as elementary school aged kids swung bats and fielded balls, their parents offering cheers of encouragement.

“Oh, man, that takes me back,” Sonny said, voice full of nostalgia, watching as a kid who was barely four feet tall hit a grounder and took off for first base.

Rafael cringed involuntarily at the sight, his brief stint as an outfielder coming to the forefront of his mind. “Me too,” he said, his tone much more dismal than Sonny’s. He had not been the star athlete that his husband had been growing up, not even close.

“Aw, Raf,” Sonny used his grip on Rafael’s hand to pull him close, kissing his temple. “What you lacked in skill you made up for by being completely adorable in your uniform.”

They’d only been dating for six months when Lucia had pulled out the photo albums, which included a staged shot of Rafael standing at home plate, holding a bat limp at his shoulder, wearing his navy t-shirt and pristine white pants, a decidedly miserable expression on his face.

“Oh my God!” Sonny had exclaimed gleefully. “You were so cute!”

To this day Rafael hadn’t forgiven his mother.

“Come on, let’s watch a while.” Sonny started to pull Rafael toward the bleachers, but Rafael resisted.

“Given our line of work, how do you not realize how completely creepy it would be for two childless old men to sit and watch a bunch of little kids play baseball?” Rafael asked him, his tone hushed. “If someone didn’t call the police I’d question their parenting.”

“I’m not old,” Sonny grumbled and Rafael rolled his eyes. Of course that was what Sonny would choose to comment on.

“Well, you’re no spring chicken either,” Rafael teased, reaching up to touch the gray at Sonny’s temples.

Sonny just huffed and started walking again, conceding both of Rafael’s points without a word.

Rafael delighted privately in his victory, deciding not to gloat outright as he kept pace with Sonny. He thought it showed a lot of growth on his part. Sonny’s therapist, Dr. Sawyer, had apparently told Sonny that he and Rafael shouldn’t compete with one another, even on a small scale. Rafael didn’t think a little fun competition ever hurt anyone, but Sonny had been much happier since beginning to see the doctor and he didn’t want to do anything to set him back.

“Didn’t Liv mention that Noah was starting to play tee ball or something?” he offered. “Maybe we could go to a game.” It sounded like absolute torture, but it was a sacrifice he’d make for Sonny.

Sonny’s face scrunched. “God, tee ball is so boring. Let’s wait until he moves up a division.”

Rafael laughed and it struck him, as it often did, just how completely in love with this man he was. “Oh, thank God.”

A similar feeling of affection was gripping at Sonny’s chest. The fact that Rafael was willing to put up with uncoordinated children whiffing at a ball on a tee for him meant a lot. It combined three of Rafael’s least favorite things: the outdoors, children, and sports. The trifecta. It made him feel like being generous. “I’m getting kind of hungry. Why don’t you pick our lunch spot?”

* * *

It came as absolutely no surprise to Sonny that as he approached the courthouse on Monday afternoon he found Rafael at the coffee cart out front. He looked handsome as always in his light gray suit, which held just the touch of a plaid pattern—Sonny couldn’t see the subtle criss cross of the slightly darker gray, but he knew it was there—smiling his thanks as he gratefully accepted the paper cup, the bright sunshine glinting off of the gold band on his finger.

Sonny loved these moments, getting to watch Rafael before he noticed Sonny. He loved nothing more than to catch a glimpse of him, bent over a case file, his brow furrowed as he muttered to himself—a habit he vehemently denied whenever Sonny mentioned it—or as he stood before his massive collection of suits and dress shirts of all patterns and ties in every shade, determining what fit together, his mind working in a way that Sonny would never understand.

He could observe him for hours and never grow tired of it, but today he didn’t have time. As much as he would have liked to slow his pace and watch as Rafael took his first grateful sips of coffee, he actually picked up speed, closing the distance between them on the sidewalk.

“They’re back?” he asked unnecessarily since Rafael was the one who had texted him to let him know that the jury had reached a verdict.

Rafael nodded, swallowing his sip of coffee and nodding toward the cart. “You want something?”

Considering the fact that he felt like he could throw up any moment, Sonny shook his head.

“What’s your gut telling you?” he asked as they began climbing the courthouse steps.

“We’d be in better shape if the judge hadn’t limited mention of Denia, but it was a straightforward case and if the jury doesn’t see it for what it was then they’re morons.”

“But you’re always saying that juries are filled with morons.”

“Yeah, well…”

By the time they’d reached the top of the stairs Rafael had finished his coffee—no easy feat considering he’d had to practically sprint to keep up with Sonny’s breakneck pace—and he tossed his cup in the trash before they made their way through the much shorter employees, attorneys, and cops security line.

“Whatever the outcome,” Sonny said, holstering his gun after he received it back from the guard, “I think you made the right decision.”

Sonny had done all he could in the weeks after Dylan had been arrested for attempted murder to try to prove he was responsible for Denia’s death, but he’d come up empty time and again. There was still little to no physical evidence and after the first incident, under advice from his attorney, Dylan sat stone faced during any subsequent interviews.

As time wore on they caught more and more cases and eventually those took priority, but it wasn’t rare for Sonny to pull out Denia’s file on an occasional lunch break, poring over it as he ate his turkey sandwich or sashimi. There was never anything new and he was starting to think there wouldn’t ever be.

Rafael just raised his eyebrows in an “I hope you’re right” gesture as he pressed the call button for the elevator.

They found seats in the second row of the gallery, behind Valeria and Edwin Merlo. Alvin had been absent from the proceedings and Sonny couldn’t blame him for wanting nothing to do with the justice system. The Merlos had been angry and frustrated at first that their daughter wouldn’t receive the justice she deserved, but, like Sonny, it seemed they’d come to terms with the fact that this was better than nothing.

Still, the disappointment in Valeria’s eyes every time she looked at him always put a knot in Sonny’s stomach.

As the jury was brought in and they waited for the judge, Rafael cracked his knuckles—something he did when he was nervous—and began shifting in his seat and tapping a finger rapidly on his knee once every knuckle had been seen to.

“Don’t make me cuff you,” Sonny threatened, amusement in his tone. Of the two of them, he couldn’t believe that he was the most calm.

“Don’t write checks your ass can’t, or won’t, cash, Detective,” Rafael warned, stopping his fussy movements and resting his hand near Sonny’s knee.

Sonny’s cheeks flushed, but he was spared having to respond as the bailiff was instructing them all to rise as the judge entered the room.

Rafael took his hand and Sonny zoned out, his blood rushing in his ears. He couldn’t hear anything that was being said. Rafael squeezed his hand, looking over at him with concern, but it was enough to bring him back.

“On the two counts of attempted murder in the second degree how do you find?” the judge was asking when the courtroom came back into focus.

“We find the defendant guilty,” the foreman answered solemnly.

Sonny felt relief flood through him and he gripped Rafael’s hand tighter.

“And on the charge of assault on a police officer in the second degree?”

“We find the defendant guilty.”

“Ladies and gentleman of the jury, thank you for your service. The defendant will remain in custody until sentencing,” the judge instructed, banging her gavel to signal the end of the proceedings.

Sonny watched as Dylan was led from the courtroom, his suit that was just a little too big making him look painfully young. He couldn’t help the bit of sympathy that he still felt for him, but Dr. Sawyer assured him that it was a good thing. It meant he wasn’t just a robot, carrying out orders of the state without regard to the consequences that his actions had on those he arrested. It was when he ceased to care that they’d have a real problem, they just had to get him to a place where he didn’t care so much that it was a detriment to his own health.

“So he’ll go to jail?” Valeria was standing, facing them now.

“Yes,” Rafael answered when he saw that Sonny was having a moment. “Not for as long as we’d like, but…” He let it hang, knowing that they all knew what the situation was.

“Thank you, Detective.” She leaned forward, placing a gentle hand on Sonny’s shoulder. “I know you did everything that you could.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t more,” Sonny responded honestly and the hand on his shoulder squeezed.

“I think my Denia will rest peacefully. That’s all we can ask for.” Her voice wavered then and she removed her hand, linking her finger’s with Edwin’s. With one final nod, they made their way out of the courtroom.

Sonny stayed seated, elbows on his knees, but Rafael stood, catching ADA DiCarlo as she walked by. “Great job, Counselor,” he commended, reaching out to shake her hand.

She returned his handshake with a smile. “Thanks, Mr. Barba. Your input was invaluable.”

Rafael smiled at her diplomatic wording, knowing that he’d driven her crazy these past few months. She really was a great lawyer.

He returned to his seat next to Sonny once she’d gone, looking over at him warily. He’d expected this kind of reaction if they’d lost, but not with a victory. He placed a hand on his back, thankful they had the courtroom to themselves by this point. “Are you okay?”

He leaned back then, a breath rushing out of his lungs as he did so. “Yeah. It’s just...weird that it’s over.” He looked over at Rafael. “I mean, what do we do now?”

Rafael took his hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing his wedding band. “We go home.”

* * *

It was going on midnight and instead of lying in bed, Sonny’s arms curled around him as they both came down from mind-blowing orgasms, Rafael was unloading the dishwasher. 

His work, open law volumes and case files and his ever present legal pad, was spread out on the island, long ago abandoned due to restlessness instead of completion. He’d been trying to focus, but it had proved useless and he’d decided on the brainless task of putting dishes away instead.

It was the fourth night that week that Sonny was sitting in a unmarked Interceptor, somewhere on the streets of Soho, Fin beside him in the driver’s seat, while Rollins looped the block, walking Frannie every thirty five minutes or so before entering the building where her decoy apartment was.

For the last few weeks a serial rapist had been attacking blondes on the streets of the downtown neighborhood and, after the third one, when SVU had established that it was a pattern, the brass at 1PP had found it in the budget to set up the operation with Rollins as bait. They were less than pleased that they’d yet to be successful.

The whole squad was exhausted and running on fumes, and once again Rafael found himself watching Sonny for any signs that he might break again. He wondered if there’d ever come a time when he wasn’t on pins and needles, waiting for the case that would cause the barely mended cracks to come bursting open again.

The last plate placed in its cabinet, he moved into the living room, lining up the remotes in a neat line and stacking Sonny’s study materials neatly on the coffee table. Sonny’s study materials. Rafael stared at the cover of the Sergeant’s exam study packet. Sonny had made a decision about his future, at least his immediate future. It wasn’t the outcome that Rafael would have chosen—who would want a lifetime of wondering each day if that was the day the love of their life wouldn’t come home—but he was doing his best to be okay with it.   

He had just folded the blanket that he’d used when he’d fallen asleep in front of the TV the night before, placing it over the back of the couch, when the sound of Sonny turning his key in the lock filled the apartment.

“Hey,” Sonny said, surprised to see Rafael up.

“You’re early tonight,” Rafael commented, glancing at his watch. “Did you get him?”

Sonny’s brow furrowed as he peeled off his suit jacket. “No, actually—”

“Is that blood?” Rafael was across the room in half a second, gripping his arm and holding it up to the light. It was definitely blood that stained the cuff of Sonny’s light blue shirt. “Rollins?”

Sonny had been against using Rollins as bait as soon as the idea had been brought up; it was too dangerous. But he’d quickly been shut down from a few sharp words from Rollins herself. Rafael felt his heart hammer as he thought that maybe Sonny had been right.

“No.” Sonny pulled his arm from Rafael’s grasp and began unbuttoning his shirt, wanting to get it off, not caring that he was still standing barely inside the door. “He got another victim. We were sitting two fucking blocks away while she was being attacked. Neighbors called it in on account she was screaming so loud. He got this one good.”

Rafael shooed Sonny’s hands away, pulling the bottom of his shirt free from his slacks and going to work on the buttons himself, more out of wanting to be useful than anything. “Stabbed?” Their serial was escalating. He’d brandished a knife in all the other attacks to intimidate, but hadn’t ever used it. At least not until tonight.

Sonny nodded, closing his eyes briefly as Rafael pushed his shirt off of his shoulders. “When we got there he was gone, we missed him by maybe two minutes. She died on the way to the hospital.”  

Rafael held Sonny’s shirt in one hand and placed the other on his bicep, squeezing lightly. “I’m sorry, Sonny.” He looked up, his green eyes searching Sonny’s blue for any sign of trouble. “Are you okay?” The question was heavy and Sonny felt it to his core.

“I’m fine, Raf. I swear.” He ran a hand over the back of his neck. “It sucks. It really fucking sucks and we gotta catch this guy, but I know that it’s not all on me. It’s not gonna be like before, not ever again.”

Rafael slid his hand from Sonny’s arm to rest on the side of his neck, his thumb brushing over his cheek. “But if it ever is, you’ll tell me?”

Sonny nodded. “I promise.”

“Good.” Rafael kissed him softly. “I think this shirt is a goner.”

“Yeah, I don’t really want it anymore anyway.”

Rafael nodded, balling the shirt up with every intention of tossing it in the trash the second he was able. “You hungry? I ordered from Indigo. There’s some left.”

“Nah, I’m good. Can we just go to bed? I’m exhausted.”

“Sure.” Rafael kissed him again. “You’ll get this guy. I know it. You’re all great cops, especially you.”

Sonny smiled, leaning in and capturing Rafael’s lips once more. “You’re biased.”

“Maybe,” Rafael shrugged, the corner of his mouth ticking up, “but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”

“Are you ever wrong?” Sonny asked, taking his hand and starting to pull him toward the bedroom.

“You know the answer to that,” Rafael laughed, tossing Sonny’s shirt in the garbage can on their way by, happy that Sonny was able to joke around after the night he’d had.

Once they were in bed, Sonny pulled him close, kissing his cheek and nuzzling into his neck. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Rafael breathed out, feeling the full weight of it, but he wasn’t sure that Sonny had. He was already snoring softly, his breath warm on Rafael’s neck.

And he stayed that way, sleeping peacefully straight through until morning.


End file.
